Time for a GREAT review...

[PanicLord]

After the mediocrity (to be gushingly over the top) of the review below,

http://tvnz.co.nz/entertainment-news/future-music-meat-loaf-3402836,

I thought I'd post a review of Total Eclipse Of The Heart that I think is one of the best reviews I've ever read, even though the writer obviously doesn't like the song.

It's from Jim Steinman's blog, and I include his intro and outro. No copyright infringement intended - just a damn good read :lol:





From a gr8 book, THE 100 MOST DEPRESSING SONGS EVER WRITTEN! I Came in at #2!!!! YAY!!!!!!! *depression!* YAY! Ill do it here verbatim:

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

Performed by Bonnie Tyler
Released 1983 (No 1 in the UK and US)
Written by Jim Steinman


Every now and then I get a little bit cranky 'bout a song that hangs with me like a malignant boil. Every now and then I get a little bit down when I have to listen to it 20 times in an hour. Every now and then I get a little bit tempted to throw myself in front of a bus. Every now and then I get a little bit injured when the bus grinds me into the pavement …

Don't worry, I haven't lost my mind. I'm simply rephrasing the numbskull lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's depressing 1984 hit 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' to voice my dread at having to revisit this monstrous gestalt song. After 20 years, it still vanquishes the will of all those who dare turn around to gaze into its bright eyes. Though not the most depressing song ever written, 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' is, hands down, the most demented and we can thank Jim Steinman for unleashing it upon us.

Even if no one gets offed in the lyrics, there's still more than enough death in 'Total Eclipse' to make it a Perfect Storm, if only because it seems to have killed Bonnie Tyler's career. The Welsh singer was pretty big a few decades back, starting with her first hit single 'It's A Heartache' in 1977. Her trademark was a raspy singing voice that sounded like she gargled with Ajax. After the success of 'It's A Heartache', though, Tyler's follow-up singles didn't chart well and she went in search of a new collaborator to prepare her for the 1980s. She wound up partnering with Jim Steinman, the songwriter behind Meat Loaf's infamous Bat Out Of Hell album which has to date sold 30 million copies worldwide. His reputation as a composer of twisted pop anthems outfitted with hari kari lyrics somehow appealed to Tyler and she was eager to work with him. The result was the schizoid transatlantic chart topper 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart'. If you cross Brian Wilson with Bram Stoker and add more voices in the head, you'd have this song.

The Song

The opening piano of 'Total Eclipse' sounds the clarion call for all of Steinman's winged succubi to assemble. Bonnie Tyler, swathed in druid clothing while sandpapering her larynx, awaits the master's cue. He is hunched over a Steinway inside the darkened ballroom of a crumbling antebellum mansion (they're always antebellum), playing his Lizzie-Borden-at-rest intro while a raven perches on his shoulder. 'Turn arrouuuuund', a boy soprano with shrivelled genitalia sings with ethereal ease. This is Bonnie's cue: 'Every now and then I get a little bit lonely …'. As the music creeps along like a ghost with a hangover, we find out that 'every now and then' Bonnie Tyler gets a little bit 'lonely' , a little bit 'tired', a little bit 'nervous' and a little bit 'terrified'. And let's not forget a little bit 'restless', 'helpless' and 'angry'. Basically, she's a little bit nuts. She's everything a guy would want in a woman. (Did you know she listens to the sound of her tears?)

This leads her to fall apart 'every now and then', although I suspect it's more often than that. And why shouldn't she? She's been handed so many neurotic verses, she sounds like she's quoting the collected works of Sybil. The constant repetition of 'every now and then I get a little bit …' goes beyond maddening and you wonder if Steinman's neurons were misfiring when he wrote the lyrics.

Eventually, someone bribes Steinman to get on with it and bring in a chorus. Bonnie Tyler ups her rasp, declaring 'I need you now to-night! And I need you more than ever! …'. That may be, but after hearing how angry, nervous and terrified she gets 'every now and then', the guy probably bolted like a gazelle. The more the song goes on, the more frenzied it gets. Tyler literally screams how 'we're living in a powder keg' that's about to be ignited, howling with such conviction I suspect Steinman was dangling a live rat in front of her. When the histrionics subside, Tyler laments how there used to be light in her life, 'but now there's only love in the dark'. It is, she sings with consummate weirdness, 'a total eclipse of the heart'.

Right when you think this song is over, the Rasputin Effect comes into play and resurrects it. An overblown instrumental passage that sounds like Steinman's scoring an oil tanker disaster pounds forth until Tyler begins reciting even more 'every now and then …' mantras. Finally, she turns her voice into Angus Young's amplifier and shreds her way through the chorus again. A choir of voices (human optional) back her up as she makes her final futile wail about how 'forever's gonna start tonight …!' The volcano crescendo ends after half the session musicians drop dead and Steinman's deranged piano carries the bodies away. 'Total Eclipse' doesn't really end as much as become extinct. The fade alone lasts 45 seconds, pushing the song's running time past the seven-minute mark.

Why It's Depressing

There are few songs, depressing and otherwise, as exhausting as 'Total Eclipse'. Listening to it is like an opera company bludgeoning you with copies of Anne Rice novels. The song is Steinman's 'Ring Cycle' without the funny hats, a perverse attempt at neo-Romantic gothic bombast being sung by a woman trying out out-growl Kim Carnes. 'Total Eclipse' begins creepy, turns disturbing and ends up totally psychotic. You're completely drained when it's over and desperately in need of a shower so you can rinse off the raven droppings.

Bonnie Tyler never repeated the success of 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' ('Holding Out For A Hero' doesn't count) and her album sales languished. It's as if she sold her soul for a chance to live in the mad world of Jim Steinman just to see what it was like. Though she climbed a mountain with 'Total Eclipse', it cursed her with a song that today is all but banned from Adult Contemporary radio. You're more likely to hear that The Beatles are reuniting than a station play 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart'. Turn around, bright eyes. And look at the mess you left.


How can I not love "like an opera compoany bludgeoning you with copies of Anne Rice novels. The RING CYCLE without the funny hats"




Now that's how to write a review of something you don't like!

[Asenath83]

What a gem! I was laughing so hard I nearly forgot to disagree with the author. Thanks so much for sharing!

[Fire Ball]

that wasn't a review of the record that was a review of the hotel and a pissed off reporter because she wasn't important enough to get an interview. the record co. makes the choice not me . it was at best a 3 star hotel. she needs to get out more.
M

[Deeko]

that wasn't a review of the record that was a review of the hotel and a pissed off reporter because she wasn't important enough to get an interview. the record co. makes the choice not me . it was at best a 3 star hotel. she needs to get out more.
M

Absolutely Meat, couldn't agree more :lol:

[nikox1]

that wasn't a review of the record that was a review of the hotel and a pissed off reporter because she wasn't important enough to get an interview. the record co. makes the choice not me . it was at best a 3 star hotel. she needs to get out more.
M

i didnt think you would slum it in a 3 star hotel meat? :lol:

[daveake]

Realistically, how many people sit down, removed from all outside distractions, to listen to a record in full?

Music is the soundtrack to life - and most people's lives are busy.

Well, if she doesn't "sit down removed from outside distractions to listen to a record in full", what on earth is she doing pretending to me a music reporter? Surely this is exactly what anyone should do if they want to get the most from a record?

She seems to think that music is just musak.

Dave

[nikox1]

she sounds like she doesnt get much attention?

[AndrewG]

Well, if she doesn't "sit down removed from outside distractions to listen to a record in full", what on earth is she doing pretending to me a music reporter? Surely this is exactly what anyone should do if they want to get the most from a record?

She seems to think that music is just musak.

Dave

That's what my thoughts were too. Seems really strange that for someone who is reviewing music she is making it blatantly clear that music does not matter that much to her and indeed is more a muzak-like experience. Then the question is if you believe that: what is the point in reviewing? :roll:
I hope she pays more attention when driving or handling heavy machinery.

On second thoughts: She is actually completely undermining the industry she is reviewing in. By saying that digital downloads are the future and moaning for being in a hotel at 10am in the morning you are in fact making out that there is probably no or no longer any enjoyment in listening to albums/cds regardless of its quality. Talk about beating a dead horse....

[PanicLord]

that wasn't a review of the record that was a review of the hotel and a pissed off reporter because she wasn't important enough to get an interview. the record co. makes the choice not me . it was at best a 3 star hotel. she needs to get out more.
M

Lol - absolutely agree! BTW, when I said the review was mediocre I meant the way it was written and its content, not the actual views of the reviewer of the album.

[Asenath83]

That (linked) review was completely pointless, partly because the girl couldn't be bothered to even TRY to include a half-assed review of the "shrill cacophony of noise" she was exposed to (poor thing!) and partly because it sounds like she didn't even do any research before she went there in the first place ("yes, he of the mullet and Rocky Horror Picture Show"?!).
The fact that TVNZ put it on their page that way gives you a general idea of their "quality control", which is unfortunately something you can observe in many online magazines/newspapers, even worse than in actual print media.

And yeah, I don't think she does music reviews often (or alternatively nobody told her that this is not how it's done), otherwise she wouldn't be "too busy" to sit down and actively listen to whatever she is supposed to form an opinion on.

[Fire Ball]

Good call Andrew, That is what she is doing , when she said downloads are the future, I just rolled my eyes . I thought ,I glad I did not talk to her . It would have been heated.
M
That's what my thoughts were too. Seems really strange that for someone who is reviewing music she is making it blatantly clear that music does not matter that much to her and indeed is more a muzak-like experience. Then the question is if you believe that: what is the point in reviewing? :roll:
I hope she pays more attention when driving or handling heavy machinery.

On second thoughts: She is actually completely undermining the industry she is reviewing in. By saying that digital downloads are the future and moaning for being in a hotel at 10am in the morning you are in fact making out that there is probably no or no longer any enjoyment in listening to albums/cds regardless of its quality. Talk about beating a dead horse....

[Asenath83]

I don't think that woman is worth a second thought. She spends an entire article arguing that the Oscar curse is a hoax (http://tvnz.co.nz/entertainment-news/oscars-curse-schmurse-3430486) and another one praising Lady Gaga as a musical and marketing genius (http://tvnz.co.nz/entertainment-news/gaga-genius-3419831).
In the first one she clearly feels superior because she managed to "debunk" some brain-dead myth.
In the second one she makes a shallow attempt at justifying why she joined the Gaga bandwagon. If that woman is a musical genius OUTSIDE of the stuff we know, where are the examples?
It's the same mistake she did in the "review" for Meat, where she hazily remembered that "some of the tunes are catchy" but completely failed to tell the reader which tracks she liked or didn't like (and why).

So what if she wrote for the "New Zealand Herald" for five years and "interviewed a host of A-listers"? An interview alone doesn't make a good article, especially if you go in there as unprepared as she appears to be whenever she writes an article.

[Megan]

it was annoying to read her rubbish...i think she should find another line of work... it seems music is not her strong point.... maybe weather or hotels?

[suzieq]

For what it's worth. I sent feedback to this site around noon my time (which was 7 hours ago) and have a read at what I wrote. I was a bit harsh but I think I made my point.

"My comment is for the Entertainment column writer Joanna Hunkin for the
article "Future Music with Meat Loaf". I found your report lax and
lazy. It seemed you weren't in the right frame of mind to accept your
job as a journalist and listen with intent. I found you rather
distracted and would rather have been somewhere else. Unfortunately
there were no details of any song with the exception of a catchy tune
which this review did nothing for me as a consumer. I bet you were the
one in the back twirling their hair and chewing bubble gum waiting for
"class" to be over. Thank you for nothing. How would your bosses feel
that you discover your reviews of new music while multitasking on
personal matters in your "busy" life. Just awful, awful unprofessional
junk. What you should have done was review this record on it's content
as a professional music reviewer and give the consumer a taste of this
work musically...not as the lay person going about their day to day
lives. You missed t
he mark on your report. Too bad you were held captive....I would have
jumped at the opportunity to hear such a compilation from this true rock
legend. Ungratefully yours, Suzanne"

They responded:

"Hi there

We were very interested to read your comments about this. Thanks for
giving us this feedback. I have passed on your comments to the
producers.

Kind regards



Christine Wilton
Communications"

And again with:

"Hi Suzanne
Thanks for your feedback.
I have forwarded your email on to Joanna's boss and suggested he discuss
your comments with her.
You may know Joanna is very new to television and so we will handle this
quite gently but rest assured your comments will be passed on
Thanks again for taking the time to contact us
Andi"

I've responded back to Andi and we'll see what becomes.

Suzieq

[Megan]

Awesome Suzieq!!! I wonder if they will do anything to improve her skills.

[suzieq]

@Megan, you see it's jacka$$es like this that take a position, put a half hearted attempt at showing up for something, then try to cover their own ass by writing the proper amount of agate for their write up. So it turns into a hotel review and how the cookies were. (I used to cover and write sports articles for my major newspaper here The Palm Beach Post and I always researched the local athletes).

So, what she writes a few words and someone will connect with the article she wrote and go "Oh I don't think I'll get that CD because Ms. Joanna says it shrieked." Meanwhile, maybe journalism reviews isn't this chick's bag and moves on to file clerk somewhere. No harm done to Ms. Joanna but possibly major problems for the artist she wrote about halfheartedly.

I'm all about learning a new craft, but a little training would be nice.

Suzieq

[stretch37]

@Megan, you see it's jacka$$es like this that take a position, put a half hearted attempt at showing up for something, then try to cover their own ass by writing the proper amount of agate for their write up. So it turns into a hotel review and how the cookies were. (I used to cover and write sports articles for my major newspaper here The Palm Beach Post and I always researched the local athletes).

So, what she writes a few words and someone will connect with the article she wrote and go "Oh I don't think I'll get that CD because Ms. Joanna says it shrieked." Meanwhile, maybe journalism reviews isn't this chick's bag and moves on to file clerk somewhere. No harm done to Ms. Joanna but possibly major problems for the artist she wrote about halfheartedly.

I'm all about learning a new craft, but a little training would be nice.

Suzieq

Exactly.

The article should have never been published. Its like when Patrick Swayze was sick with Cancer, tabloids were reporting negativity when he was trying and succeeding at fighting his personal battle. Articles like this suck the positive energy out of something that is good....by saying very little but maintaining an obviously negative air about the subject of the article.

Its ridiculous and I am glad that I am not the only one that feels that her article deserves a discussion and a fair dispute. Hopefully when random people read this article they will also read the comments and it will cause them to think.

[suzieq]

Its ridiculous and I am glad that I am not the only one that feels that her article deserves a discussion and a fair dispute. Hopefully when random people read this article they will also read the comments and it will cause them to think.

I was surprised that the website/blog actually had a working email to send feedback. The only thing I was searching for was an actual "comment" section below the article. Unfortunately, I don't think the people that read that article will be cross referencing to our comments here. For that I'm sorry because our comments would've been more effective coming right after the article. I'm not sure how much web traffic that site has, but I suppose it was enough to have the record company send out the invitation for the private listen. It is unfortunate that the editors didn't pull the write up before it even went live. Now just minor damage control (let's not give them that much credit).

Suzieq

[Asenath83]

Well done, Suzieq! I woke up his morning thinking that I SHOULD voice my disappointment in the quality of this article (I was also looking for a comment section earlier). So I'll do that just now:

Dear TVNZ team,

I came across Joanna Hunkin's article "Future music with Meat Loaf" and have to admit I couldn't be more shocked or disappointed in the lack of enthusiasm for her work this lady displays in every single sentence of this "article".

She makes it perfectly clear that she didn't want to be at the venue in the first place and that, under normal circumstances, she cannot be bothered to focus on whatever she is supposed to be reviewing either.

What puzzles me most though is the lack of quality control. How a music review that contains maybe ONE sentence that actually refers to what the author thinks of the album in question makes it past the editor-in-chief is beyond me.

Is this the future of journalism in New Zealand? I really hope not and that you'll eventually find someone who shows a little more interest for the subject and professionalism to write for you. I am sure there are plenty of people who would jump at the opportunity.

Regards,

N.

[PanicLord]

:shens:

Oooh, ouch everybody :lol: Read the great review at the top and make nice - there is a thread already discussing the other review - this is supposed to be a happy thread ;)

PS - agree with all that's been said, and good feedback to them and from them also I thought.

But anyway, back on topic!!!

[carole]

that wasn't a review of the record that was a review of the hotel and a pissed off reporter because she wasn't important enough to get an interview. the record co. makes the choice not me . it was at best a 3 star hotel. she needs to get out more.
M

It was an appalling review Meat, not to mention unprofessional. The album hardly even got a mention. It's obvious she would have rathered be somewhere else. And what's this 'former' rock icon, you are still and always well be a rock icon.

Carole

[carole]

I was surprised that the website/blog actually had a working email to send feedback. The only thing I was searching for was an actual "comment" section below the article. Unfortunately, I don't think the people that read that article will be cross referencing to our comments here. For that I'm sorry because our comments would've been more effective coming right after the article. I'm not sure how much web traffic that site has, but I suppose it was enough to have the record company send out the invitation for the private listen. It is unfortunate that the editors didn't pull the write up before it even went live. Now just minor damage control (let's not give them that much credit).

Suzieq

Good on you Suzie, well said. I also looked for somewhere to leave a comment, but like you say there wasn't any.

Carole

[CarylB]

:shens:

Oooh, ouch everybody :lol: Read the great review at the top and make nice - there is a thread already discussing the other review - this is supposed to be a happy thread ;)

PS - agree with all that's been said, and good feedback to them and from them also I thought.

But anyway, back on topic!!!

I think you shot your own thread in the foot by putting "GREAT review" in the title, and starting with a link to Ms Hunkin's review ;) .. Meat looks at both and comments .. the rest is history. People reply, as did you :-)

Caryl

[Asenath83]

:shens:

Oooh, ouch everybody :lol: Read the great review at the top and make nice - there is a thread already discussing the other review - this is supposed to be a happy thread ;)

PS - agree with all that's been said, and good feedback to them and from them also I thought.

But anyway, back on topic!!!
Oops, sorry! Mind if i go just slightly off topic just to get back on topic and make it a happy thread again? You'll see where I am going with this in a sec, I promise!

I didn't only comment the "Total Eclipse" review, I also forwarded it to a few people who I thought might get a chuckle out of it as well.
One of these people needed a quick refresh since she hadn't heard the song in a while and turned to YouTube for that purpose.

Well, what she found wasn't quite what she was looking for: Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA) That's an interesting way to "review/describe" a music video, and quite well-done, I think.

So I went to see what else they had done... and found this... I seriously had to debate with myself whether to be brave and click the link: Anything for Love: Literal Video Version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTPko-aXvJM)
Now I am stuck with some disturbingly catchy "alternative lyrics" snippets (though I do like their "Total Eclipse" better). Help!

.. ta-da, back on topic... sort of.

I think I should consider ducking before people start throwing sharp objects in my general direction.

[suzieq]

:shens:

Oooh, ouch everybody :lol: Read the great review at the top and make nice - there is a thread already discussing the other review - this is supposed to be a happy thread ;)

PS - agree with all that's been said, and good feedback to them and from them also I thought.

But anyway, back on topic!!!

Oops sorry PanicLord! I had a miscue and plopped my posts here on your new thread. Again, sorry.

[PanicLord]

Lol - no worries all. Don't really mind - as CarylB said it was probably my fault anyway :lol:

And those videos are truly awesome - when I watched AFL, I got an ad pop up for HCTB!!!

[Julie in the rv mirror]

Back to the TEOTH review-

At least in that one, it's clear that the writer is familiar with the song in question. I wouldn't even call that HCTB piece a "review".

I thought I read Jim say somewhere that he loves the really bad reviews because they are so passionate in their hate, or something to that effect. I can just picture him chuckling over this one.
I like how he said he kept the little slip of paper that Clive Davis gave him with a diagram of how to write a song. :lol:

[Julie in the rv mirror]

Well, what she found wasn't quite what she was looking for: Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA) That's an interesting way to "review/describe" a music video, and quite well-done, I think.


Now THAT was hilarious! :lol:

[Asenath83]

Now THAT was hilarious! :lol:
Definitely my favourite of the lot!
Let's admit it, trying to poke fun at an 80s music video is like shooting fish in a barrel. This however is a work of ART.
The AFL one is not nearly as good as this one, but it does have it's moments. Herbal Essences, anyone?