Thoughts For Today and Tomorrow

[shadow1000001]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said "Implants?". She hit me.

5. I live in my own little world but that's ok. They know me here.

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and shitheads.

8. I am nobody, and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.

9. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

11. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[BadAttitude]

Hi, Shadow I enjoyed your thoughts for the day so I thought that I would share a few with you or as I call them pearls of wisdom. 8)
~Autumn~

1. One can reason with ignorance, but it is futile to argue with studpidy.

2. Be careful what you wish for you might get it.

3. Madness takes it toll plese have exact change.

4. Life is like being on top of the world when it topples over.

5. Life is like stoping to smell a rose and inhaling a bee.

6. I maybe delusional but it's a h@ll a lot more fun then your reality.

7. Anyone can count the seeds in an apple. But no one can count the apples in a seed.

8. I may crack but I will never shatter.

9. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

10. Reality is simply a crutch for those who can not deal with demenita.

11. Some people are like fine wine and others just turn into vinegar. (Thomas Sowell)

12. Life is like an onion, you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

[shadow1000001]

Hi Badattitude, those were really good :D I have a few more "Grains of Salt" to share :wink:

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is sweeping the room with a glance.

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

11. Men are from earth, women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. No man has ever been shot while doing dishes.

13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

15. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

Hope this makes you smile...
EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap”.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost”.
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down”.
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating”.
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body”.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only”.
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use”.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts”.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[Rob The Badger]

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. ~ Oscar Wilde

[Lauren]

Oh well if we're doing Oscar Wilde -

-I can resist anything except temptation

-Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes

-There is only one thing worse in the world than being talked about and that is not being talked about

-Whenever i feel like exercise i always lie down until the feeling passes

-To get back my youth i would do anything in the world except take exercise, get up early or be respectable

:D

[Kitty Kat]

. My Face

As a beauty I'm not a great star,
There are others more handsome, by far,
But my face--I don't mind it
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front get the jar!

[Keep Rocking]

There are only two things, which are infinite: the Universe and human stupidity.
But I'm not quite sure about the Universe (Albert Einstein)

(I hope that I have translated it right :? )

[Lauren]

if evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

every time i'm about to make ends meet, somebody moves the ends

[Kitty Kat]

People will not always remember what you said. People will not
always remember what you did. But people will always remember how you made them feel. :D :D

[BadAttitude]

Ok, her's a few more pearls of wisdom:

1. A moment of madness, Leads to a lifetime of sadness!

2. One can reason with ignorance, but it is futile to argue with stupidity.

3. It's a Cat's World, Dogs drool and cat's rule!

4. Life is a journey not a destination.

5. The righeous are greater after their death then in there lifetime.

6. Life is like a bicycle, You don't fall off till you quit peddling.

7. The one's that you should fear the most, maybe the one's that you fear the least.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

[BadAttitude]

Ok, here's a few more pearls of wisdom:

1. A moment of madness, Leads to a lifetime of sadness!

2. One can reason with ignorance, but it is futile to argue with stupidity.

3. It's a Cat's World, Dogs drool and cat's rule!

4. Life is a journey not a destination.

5. The righeous are greater after their death then in there lifetime.

6. Life is like a bicycle, You don't fall off till you quit peddling.

7. The one's that you should fear the most, maybe the one's that you fear the least.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

[Kitty Kat]

Here are another couple

1. Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.

2. Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

[heat]

A moment of madness, Leads to a lifetime of sadness!

I know!!!! I'm married to sadness.....

[Keep Rocking]

- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts

- why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

[Ageing Bat]

I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

[Gez]

:cry: :cry: Ageing Bat :cry:

[Keep Rocking]

At days like these, snowy, me at work, nose drilling, looking out of the window and eyes half closed, a lot of thoughts come to my mind and I ask myself:


- How get the „keep of the gras“-signs right in the middle of the lawn?

- the man who discovers that cows do give milk, what was he doing at that moment?!
- When Chinese throw rice at a wedding, do Mexicans throw cactuss?
- If a word is written the wrong way in a dictionary, do we ever get to know that?
- Why is „abbreviation“ such a long word?
- How do you know, that the invisible ink is empty?
- bread and butter always lands on the butter-side. A cat always lands on her paws. What happens, if you put butter on a cat’s back?
- Do the employees of Lipton also get a „coffee-break“?
- Why has the lid of a coffin to be nailed on?
- What does sheep count, if they cannot sleep?
- If you drive a car with speed of light, what happends if you switch on the headlight?
- Does a fire victim get a reduction at the crematorium?
- And last: how does a blind man know, that he has finished cleaning his backside?

[Caz]

My two pence worth -

Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today

[RSG]

Here is some advice, I used a lot.

Don't understand what one is saying?
Nod, respond with any yes answer.
They ask you a question where you can't answer YES or NO, take a bathroom break. RUN!!!

Can't eat what is on your plate?
Have those napkins out, and be sure to wipe your nose, but really your spitting that food out into a napkin, and placing it in your pocket.
"MMM, I love meatloaf you made mom"

here's advice I got from Meat Loaf to stay fit (saw it on ROL)
He says something like,

I be sure to stay fit. I get up at 4AM, goto the gym. I see that its still there, and go back to bed. :lol:

You didn't get your homework done?

Ask to go get it in your locker. Do it there! If you get back late, you just do advice #1 at the top :P

[Rob The Badger]

My two pence worth -

Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today

Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow?

or taking it one step further:

Why put off today something you can put off tomorrow?