View Full Version : Alternative story thread...
Hypnobabe
25 Apr 2006, 20:35
Okay... here's another idea...
Rather than use lyrics or song titles or anything else, how about we just write a story? Follow on from where the person before you left off, write a whole sentance, or just a bit of one and stop where you like... and let's see what happens...
Once upon a time, there was a little
brown poo, swimming around
Hypnobabe
25 Apr 2006, 20:39
happily minding it's own business, when along came a
dwarf, and upon noticing the poo
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 10:36
.... decided to reach
for his chainsaw, because one too many people had....
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 10:41
ticked him off this week
And he decided that revenge was the name of the game. First on his hit list was....
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 10:46
an extremely ugly bloke called ...
large ears with hair coming out of them
and a glass eye. The dwarf was upset with Brian because...
he'd stolen the box that held the dwarf's collection of bar codes
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 11:09
carefully removed from
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 11:11
... and even less
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 11:14
But then you would expect that from
Brian. Next on the hit list was...
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 11:16
a half-witted twerp by the name of
Barry, Whose stupidity was so extreme that
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 12:30
a frontal lobotomy was his only
claim to fame, but to be honest he'd have rather had a bottle in front of him.
Barry realised his only form of defence against the dwarf was
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 14:43
to call in the services of Shane Warne to
bowl some barcode covered cricket balls underarm towards the dwarf.
Rockette
26 Apr 2006, 14:55
Thus he would
Hypnobabe
26 Apr 2006, 17:00
be distracted, enabling a quick escape. However, the plan came unstuck when
he tripprd over on an unwanted bananaskin on the floor
and fell awkwardly, twisting his
little finger all the way round
Hypnobabe
26 Apr 2006, 18:32
an inconveniently placed lamp post. The banana skin flew up into the air, landing on
the head of an important male who looked like
Hypnobabe
26 Apr 2006, 18:56
he could use a
Hypnobabe
26 Apr 2006, 23:01
and a passing
Sapphire Lady
26 Apr 2006, 23:35
witch on a broomstick
did just that, all be it using a magic spell. The witch was actually
Rockette
27 Apr 2006, 04:59
Margaret Thatcher's ...
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 11:44
her name was
Zelda Marcos, and she had lost her red shoes, and couldn't get home.
Her solution to that was to...
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 12:19
employ someone to
Move her home and her shoe collection to her current location, thereby negating the problem she had encountered when she lost her red shoes.
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 12:34
Things were going very well, the vans were all loaded, the shoes neatly boxed and labelled, when suddenly,
from out of nowhere, as if by magic
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 12:49
singing "Always look on the bright side of life!" Zelda was
astounded at the sight of Brian, dressed as he was in ...
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 12:59
fuschia pink fluffy
and holding in his hand, the neglected poo. Which was very
disconcerting as it was wrapped
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 13:45
in extremely prickly
tissue paper, which had been purchased from
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 14:02
a leading Yorkshire newsagent, who goes by the unlikely name of
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 16:25
whose hobbies included
and worrying small fluffy
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 16:37
slippers by
hiding them inside rolled up copies of The Beano
Hypnobabe
27 Apr 2006, 16:44
On a certain weblog, Michelle describes herself as
gorgeous in black fish nets
and as having a wicked sense of
smell, which would have helped her to locate the tissue paper wrapped parcel. However,
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 12:03
on the day in question, Michelle had developed a rather nasty cold, resulting in copious amounts of green gunge dripping from her nose, and staining her
upper lip, which she hadn't waxed in about 4 weeks.
Her now green moustache was a perfect match with her eyes.
Which she kept stored in a jam jar on a shelf next to her colections of
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 12:58
toenail clippings, which numbered into the hundreds, as she'd kept every clipping since the age of twelve. Some people thought Michelle was a bit weird, whilst others
were just plain scared of her. A common belief was that Michelle would
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:03
spontaneously combust at the slightest provocation, resulting in devastating
noises and the non-delivery of newspapers all over the Cleckhuddersfax region of Yorkshire
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:14
There was only one known method of preventing this, and it involved
three packets of smarties a small spanner and some duck tape
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:20
carefully applied to
the nose in question. At this point, a strange calm decended on
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:29
Yorkshire
which was nothing compared to the strange camel which decended on Berkshire.
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:43
The camel, whose name was Humphrey, unsurprisingly, was covered in
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:50
which made him a bit of a wasp magnet. Poor Humphrey didn't like wasps, which was the reason for his visit to Berkshire, as he'd heard
that Reading was a place that didn't have any wasps. Sadly,
he was mistaken a giant wasp turned up in a 4 x 4 with bat out of hell blasting out of his stereo
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 13:58
and asked for directions to Michelle's place, in order to
get some lunch and use the toilet as it had been a long journey
made even longer by the diversion from Berkshire to cleckhuddersfax for a loo break. Meanwhile Brian was
dancing around the cherry tree at the side of the road like a man possesed
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 14:06
of limited intelligence - all in all, Brian was fairly normal... Upon spotting Humphrey the camel talking to the giant wasp, Brian
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 14:11
and concluded that the safest course of action was
to strip down to his bra and knickers and climb up the cherry tree
He realised that he wasn't wearing any underwear, unfortunately by this time he was halfway up the tree and the camel had eaten his clothes.
he begun to sweat and worry about what e was going to do,
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 14:26
and the sweat made the cherry tree extremely slippery, and poor Brian fell out, straight into
last Tuesday, which confused his milkman no end,
Hypnobabe
28 Apr 2006, 14:38
as Brian had told her he was going away for the week, and wouldn't be available for any nookie. The milkman (who was trying to think up a new job title, and the best she had come up with so far was bovine dairy delivery operative) had been even more confused by this as Brian was so extremely ugly that the mere thought of nookie with him was enough to make anyone vomit, and so she had responded by
by saying not tonight Josephine
pretending to be a dog sniffing the milk bottles on the doorstep and then bolted after a neighbours cat. It worked and Brian felt,
He then took it upon himself to...
remove his fingers from the milk bottles
which by this time had turned
he then prized the lid off with his teeth, when all of a sudden...
Rockette
29 Apr 2006, 11:47
the cream splodged all over his
Hypnobabe
29 Apr 2006, 12:27
doorstep, which made it all soggy, being filled with cheese and tomatoes as it was...
As he was lamenting over the soggy sandwich, a sudden noise caught his attention, and he turned to see
a large fish walking towards him. The fish
came towards Brian at such velocity that..
instead of swimming he was fin walking
meaning poor Brian had no defence against this merciless creature. Suddenly the fish
spoke and uttered the immortal words "Did I do that"?
as it transmogrified into a purple iguana.
expelling its tongue in and out rapidly
which made Brians left ear very slobbery indeed...
causing temporary deafness to Brian. So he never heard the fish say
Rockette
30 Apr 2006, 14:07
"Watch your back, Brian! You son of a ..."
mad man, youve been driving me crazy for .......
all of these years, with your good vibrations......
causing severe nausea, resulting in my lack of
Rockette
01 May 2006, 04:50
enthusiasm for your glass eye, however ...
I can't lie, I HAVE to tell you that....
Rockette
01 May 2006, 12:59
your morning breath cuts my
Hypnobabe
01 May 2006, 19:34
..." as Brian's morning breath cut his attention span, meaning the purple iguana suddenly trailed off in mid-sentance. The iguana wandered off across the road, and curious, Brian followed it to a
restaurant called "Night of the Iguana", with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor as owners..........
The iguana sat at a table and ordered his favorite dish, which was
Rockette
02 May 2006, 07:48
Brian's fried balls smothered in
a damp copy of the Financial Times.
Brian was not at all pleased with this plot development, as it came to him as a surprise that his balls were now
bearing the imprint of an article about the bolivian coffee bean market and it's impact on the worlds economy.
plus tomorrows weather wich didn't bode well, considering he was hoping to do a spot of sun bathing
howvere the threat of wind, rain, sleet snow and jam, really didn't look good for his plans.
Hypnobabe
02 May 2006, 16:14
Undaunted, Brian decided to check out the latest fashions to ensure he was suitably dressed for his sunbathing the next day. Upon connecting to the internet, using the latest WiFi technology, Brian stumbled across a website which he thought would show him exactly what he was looking for, as it was called
Rockette
03 May 2006, 14:25
http://www.zodee.com.au/Womens/Swimwear/
which of course was right up his alley. He surfed the site extensively until
his mother caught him and decided it for totally innaproprate because
Rockette
03 May 2006, 15:18
she had previously banned him surfing following the incident with the sharks. Brian's mother was awfully funny like that. He often pleaded and begged her to
Hypnobabe
03 May 2006, 19:43
undo the handcuffs and allow him to live his own life, but she insisted on following him around every day, frightening the women of Brian's home town, because if you thought Brian was ugly, Boy! He was nothing compared to his mother! On his brief foray into the website, Brian had seen an item of swimwear that he thought might be suitable, it was a
sheep. Brian's Mother had once been attacked by a sheep, leaving her with a life long fear of them. However Brian
Rockette
04 May 2006, 13:27
proceeded to order one. He pulled out his Visa card from his rather tatty wallet and typed in the numbers. He hit the submit button and watched in awe as the receipt was
printed on the back of an Aardvark.
Rockette
04 May 2006, 13:36
This aardvark just happened to have got himself caught in Brian's rather ancient printer by the
Hypnobabe
04 May 2006, 15:16
skin of his
sausages, which he'd saved for lunch
Hypnobabe
04 May 2006, 15:23
and was now chewing very enthusiastically. Unfortunately, the aardvark had dentures which were not fixed very securely in his mouth, and with the energetic chewing, they flew out and across to Brian, striking him soundly on the
back of the knee, knocking his toupee into
Hypnobabe
04 May 2006, 15:28
a large squishy bowl of
tadpoles, which swam round and round the hairy thing that had landed int he middle of them. Brian turned, disparingly
Hypnobabe
04 May 2006, 15:34
to
see the aardvark disappearing in the general direction of away, this came as no surprise to Brian, because
Hypnobabe
04 May 2006, 15:57
his luck was pants. Unfortunately, as the receipt for the swimwear was printed on the aardvark's back, he had to sprint after it, and Brian in flight rather resembled a
slightly disoriented octopus on a record turntable set to 78 rpm.
with Mario Lanza singing his heart out...........
However Mario Lanza was Brians 4th favorite artist, so all was not lost.
All in fact knew exactly where he was as he'd been carrying a GPS system with him all day, even though he hadn't left his house.
Hypnobabe
05 May 2006, 12:21
All had not left the house for years, in fact, as he had a really stupid name which caused lots of problems for him. All did all of his shopping via the internet, although delivery was a bit of a problem because he lived
in a dark and damp and dangerous and deadly (and lots of other words beginning with D) place, called
Hypnobabe
05 May 2006, 12:28
Luton
. But anyway, we digress enough about All, who is inconsequential to this story because of his
Hypnobabe
05 May 2006, 12:44
immense dislike for swimwear.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, our anti-hero Brian was
Hypnobabe
05 May 2006, 12:52
leaning rather breathlessly up against a wall, having gotten out of breath with his running, and as he leaned there, trying to get his breath back, a motorcycle courier wandered up beside him, and handed him a large parcel, containing his rubber sheep, which he promptly
unwrapped and inflated, before asking the motorcycle courier why he'd wandered up to him and not ridden, since he was indeed a motorcycle courier and not a walking courier. The courier was baffled by this line of questioning, until he realised someone had stolen his
Hypnobabe
05 May 2006, 13:03
scooter, and he'd had to resort to roller skates which gave him blisters, hence the wandering rather than a brisk purposeful walk. Having sorted out the mystery, Brian dressed himself in the sheep, inserting his
Hypnobabe
05 May 2006, 13:15
delicately into the
which shocked him all over his
Skeleton
05 May 2006, 16:11
All the people was thinking
"When will Brian meet the woman of his dreams, the toad-figured, muppet-headed Julie?"...
"Ahhhh Julie......" Brian often dreamily said under his breath, if only he could persuede her to go on a date with him, the last time he asked her she said a rather abrupt "No" due to.....
him asking her "Why is the Rum gone?". Now,
unfortunetly Julie did not share Brian's passion for Sheep which meant
Rockette
06 May 2006, 13:16
she was possibly Little Bo Peep in another of her many lifetimes. Anyway, Julie resembled a monkey's
favourite banana, although she had a hard time accepting this, she
did her best to stay out of the way of any hunrgy monkeys. But it just sop happened that on this fatefull day
Rockette
07 May 2006, 04:43
a thundering great big ape, resembling Brian, emerged from a quiet laneway. For the next few hours
he upturned cars and destroyed the flower bed that Julie had spent so long last summer making. He then turned his attention to...
to Julie's banana like appearance. The ape chased Julie all the way to the
car wash garage, there was no other way out. Julie had to go through the car wash and then the troubles began....
Hypnobabe
07 May 2006, 15:08
Due to the large amount of soap in her eyes from running through the car wash, Julie's vision was upset, and she actually began to think Brian was attractive. In fact, she was so attracted to Brian that she
gave him her shield soap to use - well he did hum a little......
and then she saw this bright light gently comming towards her.
and a voice called out "go into the light, do not be afraid"
but she was afraid, very very very afraid.
of the wolf type thingy that beckoned from the other side,the wind howled and screamed around the bedroom
causing her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles duvet cover to
Rockette
08 May 2006, 13:10
fly off the bed and throw itself into the already open dishwasher, believing it was the washing machine that had just been delivered last week. Then, just to add more drama to it's plight, Brian
stopped to make a sandwich.
Rockette
08 May 2006, 13:13
He used the sharpest knife in the kitchen and, after he had used it, he threw it into the dishwasher. The duvet trembled as the knife
landed gently on top of it, depositing traces of jam on top of the print of Leonardo,
Rockette
08 May 2006, 13:19
which resembled ...
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 14:56
a beard and long hair, giving the duvet the jammy effect of the Shroud of Turin, which in turn gave rise to lots of rubbish books explaining that this, in fact, was scientific proof of how the Shroud had originally been created.
Rockette
08 May 2006, 15:02
The following day, Brian, being the eternal attention-seeker that he is, contacted the media. He claimed to have solid
proof that the turin shroud was indeed real. Brian hoped to
cash in on this concept Like Dan Brown had with his fifth novel, entitled Turtles and Jam: The Ninja Code.
Rockette
08 May 2006, 15:04
However, the book never really got into the top
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 15:05
shelves of the newsagents run by Michelle, as there really wasn't enough nudity in it to satisfy her.
Rockette
08 May 2006, 15:06
She had some rather unsavoury ideas about what should and should not appear in books anyway. Nobody really took her all that
seriously. This deeply upset Michelle causing her to
Rockette
08 May 2006, 15:07
call off the hounds for another day
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 15:09
and instead
Rockette
08 May 2006, 15:10
she ran amok on a forum and posted illegibly until
no one could take anymore. The forum users called on Brian to sort out the problem once and for all by
waving his magic cauliflower
which of course no one had any idea that he had
because it was hidden in the same pocket that he had filled with his rubber sheep.
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 16:01
Unfortunately, the magic cauliflower had caused the rubber sheep to come to life, and it had promptly eaten the cauliflower, so Brian had to wait for nature to take it's course to see if the cauliflower's magic properties had survived the mystery of the sheep's internal digestive system. They hadn't. Brian
was gutted ... and when he tried to exact his revenge on the sheep by submitting it to the same fate (ie ensuring that it was gutted) the sheep uttered it's first, and last, sound "Pffttttttttttttttppppppppppppp" and disappeared over the horizon. Non one had warned Brian about the consequences of his actions involving inflatable sheep which had come to life, but were intrinsically still full of air, and sharp knives. Brian
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 16:40
turned to see a
Rockette
08 May 2006, 16:53
looking female, who appeared to be Julie searching for her duvet cover. She had no idea that
it was now a world famous jam covered relic, worshipped by hordes of
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 16:55
wasps, everywhere except Berkshire.
Rockette
08 May 2006, 16:57
They were a fussy lot in that town.
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 18:02
"Hello Brian," said Julie, smiling forlornly. "Have you seen my duvet cover?" Brian replied
"Yes", she said sternly. "Someone had put it in the dishwasher and it was all covered in jam". It was clear that Julie was well and truly
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 18:10
fed up with washing other people's ancient relics, and she wasn't taking any more of it. She had initiated a covert action to ensure that the situation didn't happen again, and it involved
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 18:17
a large notice to the door of the dishwasher, saying
"Don't put items of bedding in here!
Please"
She hoped it would work ... but secretly, deep inside her heart she knew that
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 18:26
Brian couldn't actually read, so it didn't matter what she wrote, or how big she wrote it, he just wouldn't stop, until she felt so overwhelmed that the only answer was to
Hypnobabe
08 May 2006, 18:53
fingers to his
table just like Rik Mayall in Bottom:lol: then eddie tried to free him by..
usind a staple remover. However, instead of removing the staples eddie clumsily ended up removing one of Brians fingers. Brian
Rockette
09 May 2006, 07:34
squealed in pain. Then, with every ounce of energy he had left, he wondered out loud "could the cover have jumped in there by itself?" After all, there were only the two of them in the house, this was a logical conclusion to jump to. So he decided to
have a cup of tea and think about it,
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 12:37
but unfortunately, due to the missing finger, he dropped the kettle and spilt boiling
water all over the duvet. This resulted in the jam being washed off the duvet, tehereby solving the problem previously encountered.
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 16:15
Just at that moment, there was a furious banging at the door, and Brian looked through the window to see hordes of paparazzi, waiting to interview him and pay lots of money for the true Shroud story. Brian panicked, reasoning that no jam meant no money, and unfortunately, all the jam in the house had already been spilt on the duvet, so there was no more left to replace the image. He decided to
quickly make some jam, digging out his long deceased favourite Aunts cookbook (that's the favourite aunt that was long deceased not the cookbook, before someone takes this story down a dead end track) he flipped to the jam pages and there in fron of him was the recipe.
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 16:20
"First take two pounds of
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 16:26
chop them into really really small pieces using the largest carving knife you can find. Put them and all the discarded pieces of finger into a large bowl, and add
sugar, lots and lots of sugar.
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 16:43
Mix well, using a large
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 17:47
or if you can't find one, use your hands (washing first is not strictly necessary)." As you may be able to tell, Brian's favourite deceased Aunty was not really much of a cook. The next instruction in the recipe book called for Brian to
something like Strawberry Fields Forever
or Tulips from Hamster Jam
or even I got chocolate babe.......
He decided on Strawberry Fields Forever, even though he didn't really like the Beatles.
and preferred you've got hands by max bygraves, as he felt that was more relevant as he had already lost one finger...
anyway, he'd made his choice and was sticking to it, in much the same way he was now sticking to the floor - as he'd mistakenly spilt some of the jam and sugar mixture and was now standing in the puddle.
Hypnobabe
09 May 2006, 18:41
Just as Brian realised he was stuck to the floor, Julie walked in and noticed the mess in the kitchen. "Oh Brian!!!" she screamed, and promptly
fainted, collapsing face first at his feet. An untidy kitchen never diud Julie any good at the best of times, but the sight of Brian standing in a pool of Jam, with one finger missing with a duvet poking out of the diswasher was enough to push her over the edge. It'd been a long day for Julie,
Rockette
09 May 2006, 18:54
made all the more arduous by the
incident with the duvet. Outside the birds twittered and the breeze gently swayed the corn in the meadow. Brian tried his best to revive Julie, but all he managed to do was cover her in a fine layer of the jam mixture, things were going from bad to worse;
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