A Yorkshire man wins the lottery,he gets all the usual big house,fast car stuff,he decides to get a gold statue made of his beloved dog,off he goes to the goldsmiths
"i'd like a gold statue o mi dog"
"18 carat,sir?"
"no, chewin' a bone ya daft sod"

what do you call a potato with a large penis?
A Dictator

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

A Welshman is admiring his Kiwi friend's sheep.

'Got him well trained', says the Kiwi proudly, 'watch this'. He goes up to the sheep, smacks it on the head and the sheep promptly gives him a blowjob. 'And to stop', said the Kiwi, 'I just smack him on the head again'.

'That's fantastic' said the Welshman.

The Kiwi winked and said 'Here, why don't you have a go'?

'Brilliant' said the Welshman, 'just don't hit me too hard on the head'

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I Tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, saying "we need to talk" I tried to get him to engage with me but he just switched on the TV,and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know where I stand and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.






HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

England lost in the football.
Got a shag though.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

2 cannibals eating a clown for tea
one turns to the other and says...

does this taste funny to you??

Two men walked past Beethoven's grave and heard some music coming from his grave and so they stopped and listened and heard the 9th Symphony played backwards, then the 8th, the first man asked the second, 'What's that ?' and the second man replied; 'That's Beethoven decomposing!'

What Else To Do In Space?
 

Lol that is hilarious.

oh i can see that getting some interesting responses.

Yep...he is definitely going to hell for THAT...

I'm going there anyway, might as well have some fun till then ...

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell
hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do
his job and walk on to the next one.


Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result.


The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

The last 10p


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face ... The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ... The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it..

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

The mother of Caster Semenya, women's 800m world champion, has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.

She said 'This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

:lmao:

Did you know that "Caster Semenya" is an anagram of "Yes, A Secret Man"? :lol:

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are Freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to ~~~~ the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of ~~~~ing one?

A lion, a bear and a pig are in a bar, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."

there's 2 fish in a tank
one fish says to the other...

do you know how to drive this? :lawl:

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought!

Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.

Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tyre?

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?'

The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.

With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.

As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'

and my personal favorite;

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!
He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

That was VERY funny, Andy...

The 90 year old golfer
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

No jokes any more?

BI RTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.



Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

:lmao:

My doctor told me the other day that I had to lose some weight. He suggested I walk or jog 10 miles a day. Two days later he called me and asked me how I was doing and I said fine but I am 20 miles from home. :lol:

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.



It's called the iRon.

The Supermarket
 

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

:twisted: Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are
comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the
cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that
My husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
Somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I
ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both
still be alive :facepalm: .

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

What does a person with Diarrhoea & an Australian BatsMAN (Emphasis on the Man) have in common?

Neither know when their next runs are coming.

Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero

Iron Woman is simply an instruction!

A man walks up to a red pony and asks:
"Do u have a sore throat?"
The red pony replies:
"No i’m just a little horse"

Sex Insurance
 

Who should you consult for sex insurance?

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer - Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.

Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.

Sex with a she-male - Confused.com

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.



In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

i like this one great...lol :lol:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.


The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. However he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.






She administered her tender touch for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

"Feels great", he replied "....but I still think my thumb's broken!"

Subject: FW: I LOVE NJ

August 15 - Moved to our new home in Jersey . It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here!

October 14 - Jersey is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!

November 10 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season.
Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the ~~~~? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again.
What a beautiful place. I Love Jersey !

December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway. Can't get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. ~~~~ing snowplow.

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole.

December 25 - Merry ~~~~ing Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the ~~~~~~~. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ~~~~ing ice.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. ~~~~ing gloves got wet and then froze on my hands.

Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 - The ~~~~ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer.

The plow got stuck up the road and the ~~~~~~~ came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his ~~~~ing head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. ~~~~ing beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the ~~~~ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Sarasota Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of New Jersey .

Didn't even mention taxes!

I have read that one b4 Duke. It always makes me laugh. Only the versions I have seen use my wonderful home state of Massachusetts or some other New Enlgand state instead of New Jersey.
From Maine to Pennsylvania we all have to deal with pretty much the same crappy winter weather. At times, I have thought of moving to Florida or somewhere warmer.
Then I think about having to deal with a hurricane. It's always something

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant
said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The
Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are.'

Meet the wife .....
 

A Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife. "This is Three Horses" he said.

"Thats a beautiful name," I said "what does it mean?"

He replied "Nag, Nag, Nag."

:lol:

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple
who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the
car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

What do we want,
A cure for Tourettes,
When do we want it,
F**K Off.

just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the mediterranean.

last weeks was a rollover

Watching the news about the stricken cruise liner and the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with with a gash the size of a tennis court".......I just happened to glance at the missus and now its all kicked off!!

:twisted: Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel


10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the mother~~~~in' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy mother~~~~er.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother~~~~in' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the ~~~~ we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Mother~~~~er.

5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to ~~~~ him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Ass Mother ~~~~er.'

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions, should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a scarf hat & gloves), 24 hour supply of food & drink, de-icer,rock salt, torch ( with batteries ), safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, 1st aid kit and jump leads.

I looked a right bloody idiot on the bus this morning.......................

Gary Glitter has applied to be the next England manager as he's heard that some of the players are Young and Bent.


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Thread continued here :up:
F.M.
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