A guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger and a hotdog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, "Where's the burger?"
Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, "I was keeping it warm."

Disgusted, he says "Please cancel my hotdog..."


...Or I think I should have a go at another joke next time... :roll:

I cant think of any fu..ing jokes that dont involve any bloody swearing. They will just get p.....g modified to complete and total b......y!

F..k it!

It would seem I've found a few rude words!

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground Beef!

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!!

============================

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?

A currant

============================

Two flies were playing football ina saucer. One said to the other, "We'll have to improve by next week. We're gonna be playing in the cup!!"

============================

Two cows were standing in field. One said "Baaa" the other said "What do you mena Baa, Cows say Moo."

The first one said "I'm learning a foreign language!!"

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked fora-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


(With apologies to Mr Peter Kay!!)

Exactly. :))

http://www.mlukfc.com/funstuff/moo.jpg

:lmao: :lmao: :mrgreen:
I love this thread!

tis a good thread!! :D

A man walked into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.

The barman said "You can't bring that in here". "Why not"? the man asked. "Because it might bite someone" said the barman.

"Well" said the man, "I'll show you how gentle he is".

With that, he opened the crocodile's mouth, put his head in its mouth and clamped the jaws together. He unclamped the jaws and his head emerged uninjured.

Still not convinced, the barman said he needed more proof, so the man unzipped his trousers, opened the crocodile's mouth and put his penis in and clamped the jaws shut. He then pulled the jaws apart, and his penis was like his head, uninjured.

Looking round the bar, he asked "Does anyone else want a go"?

A little old lady stepped forward and said "I do - but please Mister, don't clamp my jaws together like you did to that crocodile"!

Heather.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

What do you call a group of women in a field of vibrators???







Squatters........

Squatters........[/quote] Oh Heat I love it :oops: :lol:

After a woman gave birth to her baby, a doctor stood solemly beside her bed.

'There is something i must tell you about your baby' he said.

'What's wrong?' the alarmed mother asked.

The doctor replied, 'Your baby is a hermaphrodite'

'What's that?' said the worried mother

'It means your baby has both male and female parts' said the doctor

'Oh my god...thats WONDERFULL!!!!' said the mother 'You mean the baby has both a penis AND a brain???'

Love it heat!!!!!!!

:lmao: hehe good one

Imagine, if all the major retailers started making thier own brand of condoms, Whilst still retaining thier normal taglines...


Sainsbury's condoms - Making life taste better

Tesco's condoms - Every little helps

Nike condoms - Just do it!!

Peugeot condoms - For the ride of your life

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC condoms - Finger licking good

M & M's condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Safeway's condoms - Lightening the load

Co-op condoms - We go further, so you don't have to

Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough

Grolsh Condoms - We only let you drink it when it's ready

Worthington's condoms - It's a man thing

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing

Ever Ready Battery condoms - Keeps going and going

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it cost's less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King condoms - Home of the whopper / Have you got the urge?

Goodyear Tyres condoms - For a longer ride, go wide

Muller Light condoms - So much pleasure, where's the pain?

Flash condoms - We do all the hard work, so you don't have to

Halfords condoms - We go that extra mile

Royal Mail condom - I saw this and thought of you

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong, and very very long

Renault condoms - Because size does matter

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Domestos condoms - Get's right under the rim

Heinekin condoms - Refreshes the parts other condoms just cant reach

Carlsburg condoms - Probably the best condom in the world

Mars condoms - A mars a day helps you work, rest and play

AA condoms - The 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal

Polo Mint condoms - The condom with the hole

HaHaHa! :lmao:

Very funny,very original Heat!

Heat2 (Heather)

Oh Heat Vundabar! :lol: :lol:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
I can just see it now...
Oh Heat u are wonderful

These are the top 15 things that irritate dogs about humans...

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny....

3. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGING DOG, YOU IDIOT!!!

4. How you nievely believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone....ever noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt???

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyways?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it!!!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet???

8. Getting upset when i sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry i haven't mastered the art of the handshake yet.......idiot....

9. How you act disgusted when i lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Haven't you noticed the fur???

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we eat your things while you're out.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Have you any idea how off schedule that puts me???

13. Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip' then acting surprised when i freak out every time i go back.

14. The slieght of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you tard.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us???

hmmm maybe i should stop doin tricks with my dog :? she might turn on me :lol:

I am never going to do a fake stick throw with my dog again.
I feel very ashamed :oops: :(

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and
health teachers by junior high, high school, and college
students around the world.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and
u."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill
effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artificial perspiration.""For fainting: Rub the person's
chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put
the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Heather.

:lmao: hehe thats made my day readin that! :lmao:

this is from the back of my sweet packet.

what lies under the sea and shivers?






a nervous wreck 8O shockin!!

A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. the woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. Tha man went back to reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you alright?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you" the woman replied. "I have a rare condition, when I sneeze I have an orgasm".
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said "Pepper". :lmao:

HaHaHa! :lmao:

Nice one Dottie!

Heather.

:lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao:

Joke Of The Day



At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives
complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines
him and asks him"What the hell did you do to your
back?"


The patient replies "You know that I work for a
local night club?
Today morning I got home to my apartment early and
heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew
someone had been with my wife and
the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony
door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from
the balcony I saw a man running out and he
was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw
it at him,That's how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in
a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous looked bad,
but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed
for a while now .Today was the first day at my new
job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I
was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it
but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than
the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I
was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the
3rd floor.

A little boy begged his parents for months to be allowed a telly in his room. Eventually they gave in and got him his own TV.

One day he went to his dad and said "Daddy, What's love juice?"

Well, the father sat him down and explained all the ins and outs of the birds and the bees and all about sex. He finally said "Now, tell me son, what filth were you watchign to hear abotu love juice?"

The little boy replied "Wimbledon!"

Chris, have you been reading FHM? :wink:

Me?? Read FHM??? Never

Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!

Guys, what IS "FHM"?? :oops:

It's a Men's Magazine, Honey :roll:

Thanks Heat, I HAD thought it was... :wink: Just wasn't sure...

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

That was very cute :mrgreen: Now I have one!!


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a grip on it.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves and her head strikes the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....................................
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse :twisted:



Maria

heres a silly one. What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone. :lol: :lol: :lmao:

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There is only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. The Scouser then calls out : "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table. Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!" Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"
:)) :)) :))

I have a cute poem for all those out there who are not morning people like me!!

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun. It seemed hes very trilling, brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed, then gently shut the window and crushed his f*****g head.
I am not a morning person :twisted:

Maria

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "what are you doing?"

The child answered, "smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."

:lol: hehe good ones :D

i got one, dont know if its good or not but hey..

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

good one Testify i liked it

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

MoHe opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

hehe like that one :D

well here goes another...

...Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

not very good but hey :P

good one testify
how about this


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have
someone for you to meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"


He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Cute one Chris!!

...Quote for the Day...

A good friend will come bail you out of jail.....but a true friend will be sitting beside you saying " Damn... We F****D up" :twisted:

:lol: very good! hehe

this one isnt very good.

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

:P

Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with the queen, when he turns round and says..

'As i'm the PM, i'm thinking of changeing what the country is, so i'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom'

To which the Queen replied,

'I'm sorry Mr. Blair, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge, and you are NOT a King'

Blair thought for a while and then said,

'How about a Principality then?'

To which the Queen replied,

'Sorry, Mr. Blair, but to be a principality, you have to be a Prince, And you are NOT a Prince.'

Again Blair thought long and hard, and finally said,

'How about an Empire then?'

The Queen, getting a little pissed-off by now, replied,

'Sorry again, Mr. Blair, but to be an Empire you must be an Emporer, and you are NOT an Emporer'

Before Blair could utter another word, the Queen proclaimed,

'Anyway, Mr. Blair, I think we are doing quite nicely as a Country..'

One day this woman says to her husband "You don't go to church enough. This week you're going!!"

So, come sunday morning, she sneds him off to church in his nice clean suit. later that morning, he staggers home, covered in blood witha big black eye

"What the chuff's happened to you?" asked his wife

"Well" said the chap "I was in church when we all knelt down to pray. And I notiecd that the women in fornt of me had got her skirt caught between her butt cheeks. So i leaned forward and gently pulled it out. Well, she mustn't have liked it so she turned round and punched me"

The following week, the wife put the man in his suit adn sent him off to church again. Sure enough, he returned covered in blood.

"What happened this week?" she asked

"Well, we were all knelt down again and the woman's skirt was stuck up her bum again. Now, I didn't do anything, but the chap next to me leaned forward and pulled it out. Now I remembered that last week, she didn't like that. And i didn't want the chap to get slapped like I did.

So I leaned forward and and pushed it back up....."

The proud parents were looking fondly down at thier newborn son.

Suddenly the father exclaimed 'Wow - doesn't he have a big penis?? It's massive!!!'

'Never mind love,' said the mother, 'At least he has your eyes'....

Cute one Heat :!:

Here are some of life's truths:

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. If you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away with their shoes.
6. If at first you don't suceed, skydiving is not for you.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
8. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
9. We are born naked, wet and hungry, then things get worse.
10. NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
11. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness" :twisted:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly l00 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago when realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong" She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "and if the dammed ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today". :lol:

Two for you:

An elderly couple were walking along reminscing about their first date almost 60 years before. They spotted a fence and the woman nudged her hubby and said: "Look, do you remember what we did against that fence 60 years ago?"

"Of course I do" he replied "How could I ever forget our first time. How do fancy giving it another try now?"

Well, they went up against the fence and starting to get down to it when all of a sudden the chap starting going at it like a duracell bunny adn the woman is screaming with orgasm after orgasm. Finally they collapse on the floor in a heap.

"You didn't go like that 60 years ago" said the woman

"The bloody fence wasn't electricfied 60 years ago" replied the chap

:D :D

A sunday school teacher was talking to her class and asked

"Does anyone know where jesus is?"

A little girl put her hand up and said
"Please Miss, he's in Heaven"
"Correct" said the teacher "Anyone else?"
"Please miss, He's in our hearts" said a little boy
"Correct she replied "anyone else?"
"Please Miss, He's in my wardrobe"
"O, Johnny, i'm not sure about that. Why do you think he's in the wardrobe?" asked the teacher
"Well Miss, every day when my dad comes home for lunch, I can hear my mum shout "Jesus Christ my husband's home, quick, get in the wardrobe!!!!!!!"

:D :D :D :D :D

The Irish and their optimism - (I'm half irish-so no offence to any others out there)

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers.
Unfortunately they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his head and says, "I hate Indians. Last week the b*stards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars".

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine.Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine whre Paddy starts sawing the Indians head off.

Suddenly Mick says, "Paddy look at this....." Paddy says "in a minute".
"No look at this ...."says Mick.

"No, can't ya see I'm fookin busy....."

MIck grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "We're gonna be millionaires"

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die. I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him, with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out inhis coffin, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said ""Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she cameover with the box and placed it in the coffin next to the body. Then the undertakers locked the coffin lid down and carried it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the coffin". she said, "Yes I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can''t lie.. I promised him that I wasgooing to put that money in the coffin and I did".
"You mean to tell me you put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did", said the wife. "I got it altogether, put it into my bank account and wrote him a cheque.

Right On!! :lol:

Might only be the Brits/Germans who get this!!!!

A German visiting London asked a hooker for a shag. She told him that it
was twenty quid. "Fine" he said, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agreed that
this was OK as long as he didn’t do anything violent. They got back to her
flat and he got out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you
to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he said. The
hooker, although worried that she was getting into something a bit heavy,
went along with his request. Then she was told to get down on all fours,
naked, in front of him. She did so grudgingly. Then, asking her to start
bouncing up and down on the springs, he took a duck decoy whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he told her. So then he
ground away while she bounced up and down on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly and surprisingly, she started to enjoy it, so much so that she experienced the most fantastic orgasm she'd ever had. After they'd finished she said... "Wow that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," he replied, smiling......

"Four Sprung Duck Technique".

:lmao: Brilliant!

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put
a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates.
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Hope you like this one...

I created the mule, and told him 'You will be mule, working constantly from dusk till dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years,'
The mule answered 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then i created the dog, and told him 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion, and you shall eat the scraps of his table, and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded 'Lord, to live like this for 25 years is too much, Please no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
I then created the monkey, and told him 'You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much, please Lord, give me no more than 10.' And it was so.
Finally, i made Man, and told him 'You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creaturs of the world. You will dominate and live for 20 years.'
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 30 years that the mule didn't want, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey didn't want.' And it was so.
And so, i made man to live for 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years as a mule,working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live for 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the scraps the children leave behind. Then in his old age, he is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

Two women walked into a bar. You would have thought one of the silly lasses would have seen it!!!

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh not nice but still funny!! :lol:

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his neweletric train in thel iving room. She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of your b......s who want off get the hell off now, 'caus this is the last stop! And all of you b......s who are getting on get your a..e in the train. Cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room andstay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the nedroom andresumed playing with his train, soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say
"All passengers who aredisembarking the train, please remember to ake all of yourbelongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. " She hears the little boy continue, "For thos of you boarding we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added.

"FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE PISSED OFF ABOUT THE TWO HOUR DELAY, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR COMPLAINTS TO THE FAT BITCH IN THE KITCHEN" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lmao: :lmao: brightened my day....heehee

Aoccdring to a rscheerarch at Cmarbgide Uinerivsty, it deons't mettar in waht odrer the lttres in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt thing is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are at the rghit palecs.

The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can siltl raed it wouitht porlbem.

Tihs is bcaesue the hmaun mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wolhe.


Fcuknig azmanig, eh?

:lol: yup

Two policemen saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they see she's had too much to drink and they decide to drive her home. They put her into the police car and one of them gets in the back with her. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say is "Your Passionate" as she stroked his arm. They drove a while longer and asked over and over again, where she lived, each time with the same response "Your Passionate"she said stroking his arm. The policemen were getting more than a little fed up so they stopped the car and said to the woman, look we have driven you around this City for more than three hours and you still haven't told us where you live. To this she replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

jokes
 

Just read all the jokes and am still laughing...........I'll have to think of some, maybe clean them up a bit first though. :lmao: :lmao: :devil: :devil:

lol *rolls round on the floor* :lol: :D :lol:

Please, do not flame me for being racist!! I ahve just been told this by an asian shopkeeper friend of mine:

Why has Pakistan never won the world cup?

Because every time they win a corner, they stop to build a shop on it!!!

CHRIS!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

This was supposedly reported in a Florida Newspaper although I am not sure which one!!! It happened in the town of Crestview.

A man and his wife reached the supermarket just as their car broke down. the husband told his wife to go into the shop and buy the groceries and he would get the car sorted.

Upon leaving the store, the lady noticed a crowd had gathered around the car so she went over to see why. Sticking out form under the jacked-up vehicle was a pair of male legs. The gentleman in question was wearing shorts but no underwear so his private parts were of full public view!!

The wife, unable to bear the humiliation, knelt down, put her hand up the shorts and adjusted everything abck to its proper position.

She stood up to find herself face to face with her husband.

The mechanic removed himself from under the vehicle wearing a large smile!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dreamer of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, and will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, Sweet as a rose,
She'll kis you one miniute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, then milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengefull, and merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.









THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

:twisted: uumm I like that one Heat :lol:

A man went to court to ask for a divorce.

After reviewing the papers, the judge asked "Why should I grant you this divorce?"

"Well your honour" replied the man "the problem is that I live in a two story house"

"What the heck does the height of your house have to do with anything?" Asked the Judge

The man replied "No, no, it's a two story house. teh first story is I ahve a headache, and the second sotry isd that time of the month!!!"

:D :D :D

Frank gets up one morning and tells the wife to put her good clothes on because he was taking her out for the day

But I've got loads of stuff to do today she protested

Your too miserable he sadi, I'm taking you to the zoo for a day out

So they went off to the zoo and aas they wandered around they went past the gorilla cage

"He fancies you" said frank to his wife

"Does he heck " she replid

He does frank said, go on , flash a bit of leg at him
So she did and the gorilla got more excited. Feeling braver she flashed a bit of cleavage at him adn the gorilla started jumping up and down with joy.

All of a sudden Frank grabbed his wife, shoved her in the gorilla cage adn locked the door.

"Frank" she screamed through the bars "why???"

Frank turned and replied "Now tell HIM you've got a headache!!!"

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like
to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse,
a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

The very first ever Blond GUY Joke... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito

and jumped too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.



At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.




are you ready for it....................

it's worth the wait




here it comes..............................


"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

A woman went into a pharmacy adn asked to buy some cyanide. the pharmacist said "What do you want that for? It's very dangerous!!"

I want to kill my husband replied the woman.

Well i'm sorry said the pharmacist, i can't sell you any to commit murder with. Why do you wnat to kill him anyway?

The woman didn't speak adn instead pulled a photo out of her husband with the pharmacists wife

"Ah right" said the pharmacist "Why didn't you say you had a prescription!!!"

A housebraker is climbing into the dark kitchen but in the window he hears the next:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He's affraid but climbing away. When his legs in the kitchen he hears again:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He fears, the ice running on his back, trembling but he reaches out for the switch but he hears again:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He's switching on the light and see a parrott in a cage on the table. He goes there and ask:
- Did you say that "Jesus listen you!"?
- Yes. - say the parrott.
- And are you Jesus?
- No. My name is Clerence.
- Clerence? What a stupid man gives such a name for a parrott?
- Who gives the Jesus name for the pittbull...

A man takes off his trousers at the doctor and show his naked ass!
- Mister! Do you know what are you doing? I am an eye-specialist!
- Yes, I know, I know! But do you see a hairs on my ass?
- Yes.
- And do you see the little knots at the ending on a hairs?
- Yes!
- Well, when I'm scratcing off them my eyes always fill with tears...

A man got up one morning \and went to the kitchen. His wife was in a foul mood!

"And just who is Linda?" she snapped

"Linda??" he asked nervously

"Yes linda, you were shouting her name all night"

"Ah well dear" he said "She is a horse "lucky Linda" that someone gave me a tip on and i was just excited about it because it was such a good tip!"

His wife seemed to accept this so they both went about their days. When the chap got home from work his wife was in an even worse mood. He walked in and she punched hm one

"What the hecks wrong with you?" he asked

Se looked at him before replying "Your horse telephoned!!!"

Rumored Corporate Mergers

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Failed merger: Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive organs.

Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da

Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags

A selection of metaphors!!!!


Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: .

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

"A naked woman."

He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: ,Chris your crazy :lol: , but funny. :wink:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

:lmao: OMG I really need that what a long laugh I've just had!

Thigs you shouldn't say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

:twisted: A man was walking down the street when he saw a small boy on the oposite side struggling to reach the door bell of a house.He crossed the road and rang the bell for him.Thanks mister said the boy.Now run. :lol:

:lmao: keeping 'em coming guys this is just what I need :lmao:

:twisted: Now that is a guy with his priorities in order :lmao: .

Another thing you should never do to a cop is to sing maybe it's because i'm a Londoner (after drinking to many beers).I know.I was that drunk :oops: .
Funny thing is,by the time they finally released me,every cop in the station was either humming,whistling or drumming the tune with their fingers :mrgreen:

Anyway,back on topic,
A man was standing at a bus stop eating a bag of chips.The woman next to him had a dog on a lead,that was getting very excited by the smell of the food and jumping up against the man.
Do you mind if I throw him a bit?asked the man.No,not at all said the lady.So the man picked up the dog and threw it over a wall :lol:

As a tribute to the weather:

A little bear went up to his mum adn asked "Am I really a polar bear?"

His mum looked at him adn said "Well, white fur, you live at the north pole, me and ya dad are polar bears, So yes you are a polar bear"

So he went to find his dad and asked him "Am I really a polar bear?"

His dad looked at him and said "Well, white fur, you live at the north pole, me and ya mum are polar bears, So yes you are a polar bear"

So he went to find his granny and asked her the same question,

She said "Well, you've got white fur and live at the north pole so yes you are a polar bear. Why do you ask?"

And he looked up at her and said "Because I'm blooming freezing!"

The music and football world were rocked today when Sophie Ellis Bexter was found dead at a footballers house.

Apparently it was murder on Zidane's floor.