:shock:

John is busy at work when all of a sudden the local radio station has a news alert.
Radio Presenter ''There is a crazy motorist driving on the wrong side of the A1 motorway''.
John remembering his wife was going shopping in the big centre next to that motorway rings his wife to warn her of the danger.
John ''Hi love are you at the MetroCentre Yet?''
Wife ''I've just left why''
John ''Be carefull there someone driving on the wrong side of the motorway!''
Wife ''One there's bloddy hundred's of them''

Meat: Lets do paradise!
Mark:1, 2, 3.......
Meat: Hit it!
(guitar riffs and annoying solos begin)
Meat:I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday, parking by the late and theirs not another car in sight, and I never had a girl looking any better than you did and the kids at school were wishing they me that nigh, OW!
Unnamed Girl: Hot Patootie, bless my soul, really love that rock'nroll!.....
Meat:Wrong song, buttercup
Unnamed Girl:Who me?
Meat:Yea, your our new singer and you should know what ****'n song were singing!
Unnamed Girl: I'm no girl
Meat:WAAA?!
Unnamed Girl:Yup
Meat:well, then why'd they hire you? Your a man!
Unnamed Girl: I came to sing Hot patootie
Meat: Why should I sing that?
Unnamed Girl: EVERY BUDDY SCREM "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT?" !
Meat: well, its Friday, saturday hasn't passed yet
Unnamed Girl:At Least do Eddie's Teddy
Meat: ........ sicko
Unnamed Girl:ERRRRRRRRRR!
(Unnamed Girl jumps off the stage, braking his neck)
Meat: Hmmmmmm, well, the movies starting, no time for the song
Crowd: awwwwww
Meat: Ohhhh, Kasim , I love this movie
Kasim : Me Two!
CC: what movie is this?
Meat: The Rocky Horror Picture Show :D

Exercise Routine
 

Exercise Routine

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



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NOW SCROLL UP...................................

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That's enough for the first day.

Great job!!!

Have a glass of wine.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs..."Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'



"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap...............

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

:twisted: Who is the most hated man in football?













The man who goes to see a match of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantyssilio gogogoch F.C. and shouts out "Gimme an L" :mrgreen:

ROFLMAO

:lmao:

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Keep going down

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

P.S. Thanks again, Mike!!! You keep me in stitches!!!

:lmao: I like it.

*News flash*
Michael Jackson has attempted suicide by
jumping off his private yacht at sea, but
police have found him bobbing up & down
on a small buoy!

The prosecution in the
Michael Jackson case
just submitted its first
piece of evidence today.
.............a single white
glove with a brown finger.

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St. Peter asks the 1st Nun "have you ever had contact with a penis?" She says "I touched one with my finger". St. Peter says "dip it in Holy Water". He then asks the next Nun - "I fondled one" she says. "Put your hand in Holy Water". Suddenly they hear a commotion as a nun pushes her way to the front. St. Peter asks "what's your rush?" she replies "well if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her arse in it!"

who got to heaven first ken biggley or superman??

ken biggley had a head start

How low can you go ?
 

A man is caught one day, having sex with a labrador in a public place. He gets arrested and a few weeks later is in up in court for the incident.

The judge is reading the description of what happened in disbelief, shaking his head.

"How low can you go?" he asks the defendant with a sense of shock and disgust.

"Well, I think my record is a Jack Russell!" :shock:

A drunk....
 

.....wanders off the street into a Catholic church.

He staggers around until he finds the confessional, enters, and sits down.

Several minutes go by but the drunk does not say a word.

The priest on the other side raps on the wall to get the drunk's attention.

The drunk says, "I'm afraid there is no paper in here either." :roll:

Why men don't write Dear Abby
 

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on w could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected or some time now that my Wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

Farting in bed
 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake hi wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making he sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said,"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we 're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....He sighed......."Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."