For Valentines Day A guy asked his wife what she wanted.

She Replied Something that can go 0 to 200 really quick. Meaning she was wanting a new car.

When he returned he gave her a box wraped up nicely here you go.

The wife had a puzzled look on her face. She opened the box to find it was a new ditigal scale.



LOL

Here's 1 more


Wise Old Indian Chief
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US.
Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied . "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian
man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

:twisted: I'm sure there's a moral to this, but I can't seem able to pin down exactly what it is :roll:


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and
Guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
Guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
The girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
Then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen,
This guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
Probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a
Woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
Whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
Much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
Dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing
My neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he
Was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
Had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


:shock:

I think it's probably along the lines of "always make sure you have a tub of vaseline handy"

:lmao: good joke neil

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Fuuny Both Prisoners jokes I'm gonna have to send those to my dad he'll LHAO on those jokes

:twisted: OK, to stay on prison humour............

Three police officers were given the following little laminated card.

http://media.mlxxfc.net/circles_4_1_15748.gif

Two of the policemen were Nigel and Cecil, high flyers in Scotland Yard.

The third was Nobby, the street copper.


The specialist area of all three officers was drugs division.

"Gentlemen", said the chief superintendant, "I want you to takr this card into the community, and see how many people you can convert to the path of righteousness in one week, and report back to me".


The three toddle off and return one week later.


"So Nigel, you first, how did you do?"

"Well sir, I converted 357 people to the path of righteousness"

"That's very impressive Nigel, how did you do it?"

"Well sir" says Nigel indicating the smaller circle, " I said this is your circle of friends if you do drugs.
You are a social outcast, the kind of person who is shunned by friend and family alike.The kind of person that nobody wishes to know.

THIS", he continued pointing to the larger circle, "is your circle of friends if you DON'T do drugs.You are an emencly popular chap, friend to all and the life and the soul of every society party.

See how much better your life will be if you don't use drugs".



"Very good Nigel" says the gaffer, clearly impressed.

"OK Cecil, how did you do?"

"892 people converted to path of righteousness sir" says Cecil in hiw most superiour tone.

"Now that is jolly good work, how did you achieve such a high number?"

"Well sir, I told the person, THIS (indicating to small circle) is your brain power if you use drugs.
Your thoughts are clouded, you can't focus clearly on anything.Even the simplest things like tieing your shoelaces becomes a battle of will against your own intelect".

"THIS, is your brain power if you DON'T use drugs.
The human mind is one of the most complex things in all of creation, capable of deep thought and wonderous revelation.

See how much better your life will be if you don't use drugs".


"Well Cecil, that is very very impressive" says the chief, who then turns to Nobby with barely concealed distain for the common police officer and asks "so come on Nobby, how did you do?"


"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, 5927"

"I beg your pardon Nobby, did you just say 5927?"


"errrrrrrr, yeh"


"Please pray tell how you did that" says the chief with a look of utter astonishment on his face.


"I told the person, look, i'm a copper, and if you take drugs, i'll nick yer, and you'll go to prison, and that's the size of your arse when you go in, and that's................."


I dare say you can work out the end :lol:

A Blonde's Year in Review
 

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

pmsl

love it

:twisted: A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the fast lane, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.


:mrgreen:

Aussie Foreplay
 

Him: G'day Sheila! Fancy a shag?
Her: No!
Him: Mind laying down while I have one?

Arthritis
 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A woman walks into a cocktail bar and says "I'll have a double entendre, please."

So the barman gave her one.

On his wedding night a guy asks his wife "Is this your first time"

The wife responds "Why is it every guy I'm with asks me that"

now THAT's a joke! :D

Killed me when I heard it, hilarious

I posted this one on another thread, but I love it...

A friend of mine drinks a lot. It escalated until eventually he was drinking brake fluid.

But he says it's akay, he can stop any time.

I gotta remember that one, like it!!!!

Fishcakes
 

A man walks into a fishmonger's carrying a salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course", says the fishmonger.
"Oh good", says the man, "It's his birthday." :lol:

What's Black and White and Waddles????


A Nun

2 Ways To Look At It
 

There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.


"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars. Computers with light-speed processing., ..and more. " After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:


"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was surprising..

Warning:

Offensive Joke Alert.

Two tampons pass each other on the street. What do they say?

Nothing - they're both stuck up c*nts

(sorry)