:twisted: Baby camel said to mummy camel,Mum,why do I have long eyelashes?That's to keep the sand out your eyes during sand storms she answerd.
OK,said baby camel,but why do I have this huge hump on my back?Thats so you can store enough moisture in your body to travel accross the desset for weeks on end without needing to drink she said.
I see said baby camel.One more thing,he asked,what the hell are we doing in a zoo then 8O .

This is actually something that makes you think. :)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and the auto-answer kicks in. A man engages the hands free speaker- function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The management bible:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%..
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing! will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, Hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

Yes! An excellent one Chris! :lol:
Let me try :D

(This is a clean joke by the way)


A beautiful young woman came out of the shower one day Hair wet and brushed down, wearing a white towel. "Honey she said, its time to have your shower now."

She heard the doorbell , so she went downstairs to open the door. It was her husband's friend Bill. Well Bill looked at this beautiful young woman and his jaw just dropped!

He thought she was just gorgeus. He said to the woman, "I'll give you $200 if you drop your towel down to your waist." She thought about and realized well we do need to get caught up on our rent this month, so she did. And Bill Gave her $200 dollars, and even more amazed at the site of this woman.

Then Bill says, I will give you another $200 if you drop the towel all together. She thought about it said what the heck. She dropped her towel, and Bill was astonished, completely amazed of this young woman.

He gave her the $200 dollars and left. The woman went back upstairs, and her husband asked, "Who was at the door?" "Oh", she said, "It was just Bill." "Oh", said the husband, "Did he mention anything about the $400 dollars he owes me? :lol:

One day an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotchman were talking about their sons.

My son was born on St. George's day, said the English man. So we decided to call him George.

Thats the same with me, said the Scotchman. Our son was born on St. Andrews day, so we called him Andrew.

Would you believe that! said the Irishman.
Exactly the same thing happened to our son Pancake!

:D, lol me like it, lotz!

This is one for the British audience:

A farmer is in despair, it is the bleakest winter he has ever experienced and his cattle are suffering. Soon his desperation turns to sadness as he realises that all of his cattle have been frozen solid. He turns away to walk home and just as he turns he sees a figure walking across his frozen field.

The figure gets closer and it turns out to be a little old lady. The little old lady touches the nose of one of the cows and miraculously it comes back to life!!

The farmer is amazed!

The little old lady touches each of the beasts one by one and they all spring back into life! Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, the little old lady walked away across the field…..

Just at that moment the farmer’s wife walked up to her husband after viewing the spectacle.

“I cant believe what I just saw, who was that women?” Asks the farmer.

“Don’t you know?” Replied the wife

“That was Thora Hird”


I thank you.

:twisted: A man is driving down a country road when he feels his car go over a bump.He gets out to investigate, and is horrified to find out he has run over a rabbit.The man is utterly distraught and breaks down crying by the side of the road.At this moment, a priest happened to be driving by.He sees the man and stops to see if he can help."Whatever is the matter my son?" the priest asked."Oh father,I have commited a terrible crime" he sobbed."I've killed this poor rabbit.Please father, i've never killed a living thing in my life.Is there anything you can do?Perform last rights perhaps?The priest smiled and said "don't worry, I think I have just the thing".The priest walked back to his car, picked up a bottle and went over to the slain bunny.He sprinkled the contents over the rabbit, who then suddenly sat up.The rabbit sniffed the air and hopped away.When he had gone no further than 5 yards,he turned to the two men and waved.He continued on his way, stopping every 5 yards to stop and wave at the two men."PRAISE THE LORD" the man shouted."It's a miracle.Tell me father, how did you do it?What was it in the bottle?Was it holy water?"No" the priest replied."It's hare restorer with a permanent wave".

:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny:

:lmao:

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish"

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

It's opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. " I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

:))

British Sense Of Humour!

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known a 'E by gum!'

A little boy comes home from school and says to his mum,'mum,whats lovejuice?',very shocked the mum asks why does he need to know, to which the little boy answered that they have to do research for their homework, so the mum reluctantly describes the ins and out of love juice and how it happens when mummy and daddy get a bit sexual etc,
To which the little boy replies 'what the f..k has that got to do with TENNIS!!!!

Hi Guys, hope this works:


http://www.tym66.boltblue.com/Parrots.gif

:D

Hey Hey !, there's more:


-------------------------

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers what'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."


-----------------------------

"Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

"Sir, this is a florist shop"

"Yes, I know, but the light was on"

-------------------------------------------------

President George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr.. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr.. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."


:D :D :D

Just wondering if any of the ladies on here have bought one of the new australian rugby bras??

It is green and gold

with plenty of support

BUT NO CUPS!!!!

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light ? Now ? Does it look like I have an Eastern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't> think so !"

"Well then could you fix the fridge door ? It won't close properly."

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my
forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering.

He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: ..............

"HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Sad Tale From Sydney
===================

Little Bruce was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician;
Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Bruce aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Bruce, "My father plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass
through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass"
through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied............. ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > WAIT FOR IT
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > "They're Carols"

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how
good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different
person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect
thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a
new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again.

"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about
new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?

So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a
size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these
things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"

Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size
36."

Jerry laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, He's not gonna come running over!!

=======================================

What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine!!!!

A three legged dog walks into the saloon bar at the OK Coral.....

He approaches the bar tender and orders whisky in his texan drawl.
"What brings you here pardner?" asks the bar tender as he pours the drink


Brace yourselves................... for the reply..............








"Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot ma paw"

A horse walke dinto a bar adn asked for a drink

"Sure" said the barman "But why the long face!"

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said,

"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her

"Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family
and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and
handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I
can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.

So Jill said " Exactly, and if you don't change your b****** attitude, you
never will!"

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Suppose like the guy who died when a car ran over his finger.

He waz picking his nose at the time 8O

Jordan & Peter Andre are having sex in the jungle & they hear a noise.

Jordan says "Is that Jonny Rotten?"

Andre answers "I hope not it's the only 1 I've got."

What reads on robots gravestone?

Rust in Peace.

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,

pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There

might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches

sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the

guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away

at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." 8O 8O

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lmao:

Found this is best read with the intro from Wasted Youth 'playing in your head' - you'll see what I mean!



Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the
silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. .......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP..

BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty
hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........



The coffin stopped.

Italian Men
 

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable ! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an ITALIAN man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt........... one button at a time.......
No one moves.

He removes his shirt........

Muscles ripple across his chest........

She gasps..........

He whispers:
" Iron this, and get me something to eat....."

:up: :))

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss."Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
"Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----

followed by my wife ----------
children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday------

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----


naked.

Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?



A - Absent
B - Barely Visible
C - Come in Useful
D - Damn Good
E - Enormous
F - Fantastic
FF - F***in Fake!

A man walked into a bar and said

"Can I have a packet of Helicopter flavoured crisps please?"

The ladnlord replied

"Sorry mate, I've only got plain!"

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

Don't Poke Him In Church!
A couple was sitting in church. The man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"

The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"

The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"

Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"

The priest smiled and said, "That's right." :lol:

jo

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

I've just taken this from a Todd list:

Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to
fix its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in weapons of mass destruction
(DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google
search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE
page. Someone at Google really has a sense of humour
and will probably be fired soon!

SueW
http://www.KasimInfo.com

How you find that Sue 8O ....have I said before,

What do you do if an Irishman throws a Grenade at you????

Pull the pin out and throw it back :D

what do you call a donkey with 3 legs???
WONKEY!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA


:wtf: what.....


Emily

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish;
The man said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want;
The Lord said, Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
;Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me;
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say, "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Letter to Dog From Owner
------------
Dear Dog,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still three dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster
than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you,

Your Owner

Some jokes I found in an old joke book

News Flash
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen on the M1. The police are combing the area,

Another News Flash
A 4-foot man and a 9-foot man have just escaped from jail. the police are looking high and low for them.

A joke from a magazine:

Ali G's sister is pregnant but there are complications and she falls into a coma for nearly six months. When she wakes up she asks the docter about her baby. The Doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
She thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well what's the girls name?"
Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow thats not a bad name!"
Then she asks the doctor, "Whats the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

wonder what happens if you hit the bomb button? 8O

Hmmmmmmmm okay ....... NO YOUNG UNS TO READ THIS ONE

What is the difference between a Penis and a Prick???

A. A penis can give you years of pleasure ...... a prick is what it's attached to :lmao:

The Prince of Wales was visiting a hospital & was directed into the men's ward. Shaking hands with the patient in the first bed he asked him what he was in for.
"Piles" he was told
The Prince asked what the treatment was.
"Wire brush & liquid paraffin" was the reply.
"And what is your chief ambition?" asked the Prince
"To be a pilot" answered the patient

He moved to the next bed and was suprised to hear that he too was suffering from piles and was undergoing the same treatment.

He moved to the third bed and asked if he was suffering from piles.
"Laryngitis" croaked the patient
"What is the treatment for that?" asked the Prince
"The same" said the patient "wire brush & paraffin"
"And what is your chief ambition?" asked the Prince
"To get the wire brush before the other two" he was told 8O

:lmao:

BATS
 

Mods - please feel free to merge these with other jokes - I can't find the thing :roll:

Aplogies in advance for the language - just copied off email :oops: :oops:



A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to pi** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good" said the first bat, "because I fu***ng didn't"

wonder if jim steinman would say that in a speech before bat III??? :lol:

:p Not bad

The wedding reception was over, and my daughter and her new husband had left to spend the night at her apartment. I wanted to ask her about some gifts and, without thinking, called her. We chatted briefly.

A little later I discovered that the groom had forgotten his wallet. Since they were leaving on their honeymoon in the morning, I phoned again.

My son-in-law answered. Sighing deeply when he heard my voice, he said, "Now I know what people mean when they say that you won't get much sleep on your wedding night."

My contribution for today

(i'm an essex girl so i'm allowed to say this :p
Only english people and know old fashioned sayings will understand this )

Why does an essex girl always hang her leg over the side of the bath?

So that her ankle chains don't rust!

What does a girl put behind her ears to attract a man?

Her feet!

WOMEN'S REVENGE
Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to The store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.



WIFE V/S HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"




STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



THE BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"



COFFEE

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

:lmao: :mrgreen: :up:

A little boy went up to a policeman and said "can you help me, I've lost my daddy"

The policeman said "Don't worry we'll find him, what's he like?"

The little boy thought for a moment before replying "Cheap drink and fast woman"
:lol: :lol:

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby
shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb
into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's
crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big
grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.




"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how
can you tell?"



















"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've
got pink socks and I've got blue ones."



SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• a half-gallon of 2% milk,
• a carton of eggs,
• a quart of orange juice,
• a head of romaine lettuce,
• a 2 lb. can of coffee,
• and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

















:lurk:


:lurk:


:lurk:


:lurk:


:lurk:


:lurk:


:lurk:


:lurk:










































The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." :keke:

President Bush gets out of his helicopter
in front of the White House carrying a baby
pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

Bush replies: "These are not pigs, these
are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Vice-President Cheney, and I got one
for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

While visiting England recently, George W. Bush was invited to have tea with the Queen. Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her for her advice.

She responds that she surrounds herself with the most intelligent people in the country and let them do their job! Intrigued with this novel theory, Bush asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.

"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen, "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair. "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me."

"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.

"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Tony Blair hesitates momentarily and then confidently replies,

"Well, Your Majesty, I guess it would have to be me."

"Correct" says the Queen. "Thank you and good day to you Sir."

The Queen hangs up and says "Did you hear that Mr. Bush? See how clever he is."

Impressed, Bush replies "I certainly did. I'll definitely be using that one when I conduct my next Cabinet shuffle back in the US."
Upon returning to Washington, Bush decides he'd better put some of his senior Cabinet Members to the test. He summons Dick Cheney to his office and says, "Dick, I wonder if you could answer a question for me?"

"Why of course Sir" Cheney responds unenthusiastically, annoyed that the President was again seeking his input on something.

"Well, uh, let's say your mother has a child and your father too has a child. This child is not your brother and also is not your sister. Who is it?

Somewhat surprised at this odd question, Cheney hems and haws and finally asks if he can have some time to think about it.

"Certainly" responds Bush.

Cheney immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republicans and they puzzle over the question for several hours. Totally baffled, they decide to conduct some research and contact a loyal Washington consulting firm. A budget of $10 million is provided and intensive research is carried out over the next two weeks. Unfortunately, the consultants are unable to come up with an answer.

Desperate to prove that he is smarter than George, Cheney decides to take a chance and calls Al Gore.

"I realize you are just an Tennessee redneck and are not all that wise in the ways of the world, but maybe you can help me out with a problem I have.

Gore is naturally skeptical about Republican promises, but in the spirit of political co-operation he agrees to do what he can to help out.

"O.K., here goes" says Cheney. "Your mother has a child and your father has a child. The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Without hesitating, Gore responds "It would be me, of course."

Impressed at the his quick response, Cheney quickly brushes off Gore and rushes to the President's office (where he is watching football and eating snack foods under the careful observation of the Secret Service on the lookout for choking).

"I know the answer to your question, you Idiot!! I know who the child is!!"

Bush, who was privately becoming a bit concerned at the delay in hearing back from Cheney, is delighted (when he finally remembers what it was that he asked). "Who is it Dick?" he asks.

With obvious pride, Cheney replies "It's Al Gore, George - its Al Gore!!"

Stunned, Bush shouts in disgust, "Wrong you idiot - it's Tony Blair!!"

:twisted: The Good news........

Saddam Hussein to get death penalty.



The Bad news.......

He'll probably live because David Beckham's taking it :roll:

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who lived in the deep South. It was getting near junior prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" Little Johnny said, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" Johnny exclaimed. "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Little Johnny nodded. She continued, "So we should go with each other."



Little Johnny can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so Little Johnny told his sister that he'd take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. Little Johnny is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the punch bowl, his sister came up to him, "Hey, bro, let's dance." He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Ray is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they danced a slow number.

The rest of the prom passed and it was time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with Little Johnny at the wheel, his sister looked over at him and said, "I don't want to go straight home." He gave her a curious look and said, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, out in the country, she looked over at him again and said, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he said, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

" Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talked Little Johnny into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again. "Hey . . . " she said. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!"

And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said Little Johnny, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said Little Johnny. "Mom told me."





This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing. Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, and some folks can't"



One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"

What´s common between bass player´s finger and thuder bolt?

Either finger neither thuder bolt never hit the same place twice. :lol:

Resurrection time! (I can't believe this thread had slipped so far down the list!)

Apologies if I offend anybody but I've had this sent to me by Americans twice now ....

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA


In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your
President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of
Monday 22nd November 2004.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
doesn't much fancy.

Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you
unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any
of you noticed.

To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
While there,
check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" -
this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult.

4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as
good guys.

5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that
you have complied with the first law before attempting this.

6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football".
What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you aware of a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with, get the girls to help
you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will eventually be
allowed to
play Rugby, which is similar to American "football", but doesnot involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies.

7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde.
The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky
- the Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new
national holiday.

9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; its for your own good.
When we show you German cars you'll understand.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

Far be it from me to protect the Yanks but I have been emailed the reply to the above Revocation.

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic.
(Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
:lol: :lol: [/b]

Here's an update for you.....



Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?



Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....




Just to get a little sausage. :lmao:

Someone on Messenger has been wittering for a joke so here you are:

A duck goes into a pub and says to the barman, "Got any fish?"

The barman looks at the duck and says, "This is a pub that doesn't server food, no we don't have any fish" So the duck walks out.

The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any fish?"

The barman looks at the duck and replies, "I told you yesterday we didn't have any fish, we don't have any fish today" So the duck walks out.

The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any fish?"

The barman says to the duck, "We don't serve food, we didn't have any fish yesterday, or the day before that. We don't have any fish today and we won't have any fish tomorrow!"

This goes on for a few weeks, eventually the barman gets exhasperated and says, "Look we don't server food, we never have had fish, we won't ever have fish, if you come in here again and ask for fish I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the bar!!!"

The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any nails?"

The barman looks perplexed and replies, "No I don't have any nails"

The duck replies, "Got any fish?":lol:

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.

I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway!!!!

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
Amen.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said; "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife?s"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa, recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship . The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John


Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,

Mary

Lol cheers Chris :D

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. They have a shot of whiskey and
chat about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she
is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The
woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The other one asks. The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head.

One of the hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her pants and quickly gives her right butt cheek
a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
the bar.

His friend says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special - Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

'I've brought you the Peking duck'

Jockey is racing in the 3-40pm from Cheltenham. He's doing great, on the home stretch, first place, when all of a sudden a tin of chopped ham and pork comes flying out of the crowd, hits him right on the head. In the confusion he slips back to third place.

He spurs on his mount, and rider and horse struggle back into second place when a bottle of port and a string of sausages fly out of the crowd. The port strikes the horse's flank and the sausages wrap around the jockey's neck. Again he loses ground as he struggles to retain his composure.

He's just about to regain first place when, in the final furlong, a tin of peaches and a turkey crown fly from the crowd, strike him right between the eyes. He can no longer concentrate, loses all concentration and fails to get a placing.

He goes straight to the Steward's enclosure and lodges a complaint that he was seriously hampered.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Blonde joke...sorry!

A blonde walks into a hairdressers wearing a set of headphones. She is greeted by a cheerful young hairdresser who sits her down in the chair and ties the cape around her.

"What kinda style were you thinking?" asks the hairdresser.

"I want it cut a bit shorter please," says the blonde.

"Ok then, well if you'll just take your earphones out..."

"No!" shouts the blonde, "Whatever you do, don't take them off!"

"Okaaaaay," mutters the hairdresser and starts to cut away.

After a few minutes the hairdresser tries to cut the hair around the blonde's ears but she can't cos the headphones are in the way. The hairdresser remembers what the blonde said but she thinks she is just being silly so before the blonde can protest she rips off the headphones and throws them to the floor.

The second she does so the blonde falls down dead.

The hairdresser stares at her in total shock for a few minutes, then puts the earphones to her own ears to hear what the blonde had being listening to:

"And breathe in...and out...and in...and out..."

An englishman, an irishman and a scostman walked intoa pub.

The landlord said "this is some sort of joke right??"

A busty blonde walked into a bar adn asked for a double entendre

So the landlord gave her one.

OK, I can't resist!!!

I'm off for tea at old Trafford tomorrow.

they are providing beverages but you ahve to take your own cup!!!! :shock::shock::shock:

Pathetic joke i know!!

I'll get my coat!:roll:

A woman is pregnant with triplets when she is shot in the stomach three times. She's rushed to hospital but she's fine and the babies are all fine.

A few years later the first triplet goes up to his mum and says "Mum, I've just done a poo and there was a bullet in it"

Mum thinks about it and says, "Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal"

The next child comes up to her, "Mum, I've just done a poo and there was a bullet in it"

"Don't worry, it's ok,"

Then the third child comes up to his mum, he takes a deep breath and says:

"Mum, mum, I've just done a fart and shot the cat!"

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly
at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there
is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years
or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register and placed his
order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took
a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what
people around the old couple were thinking.

"That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and
walked to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another
meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady
still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came
over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time,
the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little
old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,
the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being
politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating.

You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting
for?"


She answered,





























[This is great - scroll down!]
































"The teeth!"

Ad on newspaper:

We going to sell Pittpull. Eats lot, eats everything, likes especially kids.

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif One day a blonde went into a department store. She said to the owner, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner replies, "No, you're a blonde".

Next day the blonde comes into the same shop with black hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The shop keeper says "No, you're a blonde."

Next day the blonde comes in with pink hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner says, "No, you're a blonde."

Then the blonde goes, "How do you know I'm blonde?"

He replies, "Because it's a microwave."

(Real) translation of a sign over a doctor's surgery in Russia:

"Expert in men and other diseases"

Not sure if I've posted this one before or not but:

An old couple were walking down the street reminiscing about how they first started courting 60 years earlier.

The old lady spotted a fence adn said to her husband "remember what we used to do against that fence all those years ago"

Chuckling away her husband led her over to the fence adn said "how about a cuddle against it for old times sake."

They leaned against the fence and the husband started going at it like a horny bunny, when they finally collapsed on the floor the woman said "you didn't do it like that 60 years ago"

The husband replied "the fence wasn't electrified 60 years ago!!":shock::shock:

A sandwhich walks into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Donald Rumsfeld is breifing Presidnet Bush:

"Well sir, we ahve some bad news, this morning three brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq"

"Good god" shouted Bush "thats terrible. wait a minute....how many is in a brazillion?":D

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Who's stealing my jokes then???

Within three hours of posting the Brazillion Joke here, it was emailed to FHM/Nuts magazine for the joke of the week competition!!! (it did not win) But the email was a straight copy and paste as it included my spelling mistakes!!

Todays Joke
==========

In a house there lived three balloons: a mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and little toddler balloon.

Now every night, toddler balloon was getting up in the middle of the night and going into mommy adn daddy balloons' bed to sleep and his parents were obviously getting fed up of this.

One night Daddy Balloon has an idea and says to mommy balloon "if we both blow ourselves up a little bit more then we will fill the bed so he can;t climb in with us." So they blow themselves up a bit and go to sleep.

That night Toddler Balloon tries to climb into the bed adn cant fit so he has an idea. he lets a little bit of air out of Daddy balloon, a little bit of air out of Mommy Balloon and a little bit of air out of himself. He climbs in to the bed and goes to sleep.

The following day, Daddy balloon confronts toddler balloon about what he ahs done and is furious so he starts shouting at him

"you've let me down, you've let your mother down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down!":D:lol::lol::lol::lol:

So, i asked the girlfriend what she wanted for christmas.

She said she wanted something in any style or colour as long as it went form 0-200 incredibly fast.

So i've bought her some bathroom scales!:shock:

Go to sleep!!!!

:twisted: An very elderly couple turn up at the doctors.
So how can I help? the docor asks.
Well it's about our sex lives the old geezer coughs up.
"I see", the doctor says, "and what seems to be the problem?"
"Well what we'd really like" the old dear says taking over, "is for you to watch us make love, and tell us if there's anything wrong".
"You want me to watch you making love?Right here?In my surgery?"asks the disguisted doc.
"That's right" says the old boy with a grin.
"Well there are people who are in a far better position to assist" starts the doctor, "perhaps if I can refare you.........:
"Oh please" cries the old lady, "we're really desperate".
"Come on mate" the old bloke says."Look, just give us one week to see if you can work the problem out.I'll even throw a fiver a day in for the inconvieniance".
"Well, I don't know...."says the doc.
"All right, ten pounds every day, that's fifty quid from Monday to Friday".
"Well alright then, says the doctor".
"GREAT" yells the old chap."Come on Gladys, get your girdle off girl".
"Whatever you say Ernie" the old girl says with a grin.
"You mean your going to start now?" the doctor asks.
"No time like the present" Ernie says rubbing his hands together.

For the next half an hour, the doctor is forced to watch this very old couple in a variety of positions while making notes.

"So how'd you think I did?" asks Ernie with a grin at the close of the days proceedings.
"Well I couldn't see any problem" the doctor says, trying to hold his dinner in.
"Just wait and see what happens tomorrow" says Gladys.

For the next week, the doctor is subjected to this (for him) very unpleasant routine.THe couple come in, immediatly undress, and go for it :bunny: .Every day, the doctor fails to see anything particulary wrong.

On the final day, the doctor, as usual, gives them a perfect bill of health.
He then notices that Ernie is having a very hard time trying to keep a straight face.
"Well we're off, thanks for everything" calls Gladys.
His suspicions aroused, he pulls Ernie to one side as Gladys leavs the room.
OK, what's the gag?, the doc asks.
"Well, it's like this" Ernie starts."See it's cold as a fridge at my place, her husband is always at home, and at 10 pound a day, your still cheaper than a hotel :mrgreen:

:twisted: Sticking to a theme :mrgreen:

"So, Mr Brown, what can I do for you?" the doctor said to the old gent sitting in his office.
"Well believe it or not" the old boy (who is 90 if he's a day) starts, "i'd like to have more children, and I was wondering if you could tell me how likley that would be".
"The first thing we'd have to determine would be your fertility" says the doctor, desperatly trying not to laugh.
"Here", if you would just take this jam jar home, and fill it up, i'll be able to send it away for a sperm count, and that will tell us the probability of you fathering any more children".
"Oh thank you doctor" Mr Brown exclaimed.
"No problem" the doc said, "just remember to book an apointment for next Tuesday at reception".

The next Tuesday the doctor buzzes his intercom, and asks his receptionist to send in Mr Brown.
"So how are you?" the doctor asks to a very crestfallen Brown.
"Not too good i'm afraid" says brown placing the jam jar, still completly empty, on the doctors desk.
"Mr Brown, I asked you to fill this jar" says the doctor.
"I know" moaned Brown, "but first I tried it, and it wouldn't work, so I called the wife in to give it a go, she tried it one handed, then with both hands, but she just couldn't make it work".
So what happened next?" the doctor asked.
"Well I told the Mrs to go and get Mrs Finchley from next door to see if she could get things going....."
"You asked your neighbour?" said the doctor in a shocked voice.
"yes" said Brown."She tried with the left hand, then the right hand, then she even tried it in her mouth, but she couldn't make it work".
"Mr Brown, I...."
"She even took her false teeth out to get more suction" said the miserable Brown.That's when I thought of the monkey wrench".
M M Mon key wr wr wrench? stammered the doctor going very pale.
"I thought it was worth a go" said Brown, "I mean, let's face it, it wasn't working the way it was, it ws useless, so if it broke, it wasn't like I was losing much.

"So let me get this righ" the doctor said firmly, "you tried yourself first?".
"Yes".
"But it wouldn't work?"
"No".
"So then you got your wife to try, then your neighbour with her mouth, and then you even tried a monkey wrench?"

"That's right" wailed Brown...................................















Wait for it :mrgreen:
































"BUT WE STILL COULDN'T GET THAT FECKING JAM JAR LID OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Well what do you think he was going to say:roll: