hehehehe I like that one! :lmao:
Here's one more; but maybe it would have fitted better in the "Women rule" section; dunno. :wink:

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.
One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.

Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.

When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told her, "They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again your grounded!"

The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.

When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the pole and her mother went ape. "I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!" she raged.

"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any."

Here's one for "The Lord Of The Rings" fans. :wink:


Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.
The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in he boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Eminence, look at this bigsonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says
"You know, you fvckers are all right".

8O :))

Famous Sexual Quotes

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy - Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?Me neither - Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand - Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for adate on Sauturday night.- Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increases sexual arousal particularly in women amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 500SL - Lynn Lavner

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist - Matt Barry

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope - Camille Paglia

Sex is one of the nine reasons for re-incarnation. the other eight are unimportant - George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships - Sharon Stone

My girlfrield always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading - Steve Jobs - (Founder Apple Computers)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it so I said Thyroid Problem - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men

. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps - Tiger Woods

continued...
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch - Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

Ah, yes divorce from the latin word meaning
to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place - Billy Crystal

According to a new survey women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other woman. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful - Robert de Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms they say they cause severe swelling. So whats the problem - Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in mens magazines because men think - I know what I'm doing - Just show me somebody naked - Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house - Rod Stewart

:lmao:

An Irishman, a South African and a Chinese man were looking for jobs in the Job centre. A clerk comes up to them and says "I have three jobs on a building site that starts tomorrow, could you be there for 8?" Gratefully, the men take the offer.

At 8, the foreman meets the threesome and asks them if they have any experience. The Irishman replied, "Back in Limerick, I was well known amongst builders as a fine roofer." So he walked up the ladders and started work on the roof.

The foreman asked the South African what he could do, "Well, me and my brother worked together as brickies back in Cape Town" So he picked up a trowel and started building walls.

The Chineseman said, "I've never done building work, but I'm pretty good with figures." The foreman decides he would be useful down in supplies and puts him to work.

After a few weeks, the building is nearing completion and the Irishman and South African are eating lunch together. The both wonder what happened to the Chineseman as they hadn't seen him since they started. So they both went down to supplies and asked for him, when all of a sudden, the Chineseman burst out of a cupboard shouting, "SUPPLIES!!"

Hope that didn't upset anyone?

:lmao:

:lmao:

Ok - the sonofabitch joke translated by The Dialectiizer

A priest decides t' take a walk t' de pieh near his church.
He looks around 'n final stops t' watch a fishehman load his boat.
De fishehman notices, duuhhhh, 'n asks de priest if he wudd like t' dgoin him f' a couble of hours.
De priest agrees.

De fishehman asks if de priest has ebeh fishid bef'e, uh uh uh, t' which de priest says no.
He baits de hook f' him 'n says, duuhhhh, "Gibe it a shot fadeh".
Afteh a few minoots, duuhhhh, de priest hooks a big fish 'n struggles t' get it in he boat.

De fishehman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Priest: "Uh, blease sir, can you mind your language, duh...uh...?"
Fishehman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry fadeh, but dat's what dis fish is callid - a sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

Afteh the, duh uhh, trip, de priest briggs the, uh uh uh, fish t' the, errr, church 'n spots de bishop.
Priest: "Eminess, look at dis bigsonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "Please Fadeh, mind your language, uh uh uh, dis is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't undehstand - dat's what dis fish is called, uh uh uh uh, 'n I caught it. DOIHH!I caught dis sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. Duh, you know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, I cudd clean dis sonofabitch 'n webuh cudd habe it f' dinneh."
So de Bishop takes the, uh uh uh, fish 'n cleans it, uh, 'n briggs it t' Modeh Supehior at the, errr, conbent.

Bishop: "Modeh Supehior cudd you cook dis sonofabitch f' dinneh tonite, duh...uh...?"
Modeh Supehior: "My lord, uh uh uh uh, what language! Huh huh!"
Bishop: "No, Sisteh, dat's what the, uh uh uh, fish is callid - a sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL! Fadeh caught it, uh, I cleanid it, uh, 'n webuh'd like you t' cook it."
Modeh Supehior: "Hmmm. Duh, yes, duuhhhh, I'll cook dat sonofabitch tonite."

Webuhll, de Pope stops by f' dinneh wid the, duh uhh, three of dem, 'n dey all dink the, uh uh uh, fish is great. He asks whehe dey got it.
Priest: "I caught the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "And I cleanid the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Modeh Supehior: And I cookid the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
De Pope stares at dem f' a minoot wid a stee gaze, uh uh uh, but den takes off his hat, uh, puts his feet up on the, duh uhh, taggle, 'n says
"You know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, you fockehs are all rite".

8O :))

:lmao: hehehe

sorry im crap at jokes

Two nuns were walking down an alley. They suddenyl realised that they were being followed by two men. So the nuns speeded up and then the men speeded up. So the nuns began to run and then the men began to run.

Finally the men caught the nuns, threw them to the ground and ripped their habits off them. The first nun cast her eyes heavenward and cried "Forgivew him lord, he knows not what he is doing."

The second nun shouted out "It's alright lord, mine does!"

Ahem ... cough ...

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that." she said, but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16-year-old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

:)) :))

:lmao:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter, Candy"

He turned to second mother, "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny"

He turned to the third mother "Your obsession is alcohol. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother got up took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on Dick, lets go"

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies. The couple go to an undertaker who explains that
they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $7500, whereas they
can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and
we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

:p :))

How do you confuse an idiot?

32

For the Dutchies:

Wat staat er op een rolstoel van een moslim ??

Islam

The bear and the rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

If that rabbit is male,he's just wished a whole heap of trouble on himself 8O :lol:

Poem by guess who - read carefully you should be able to suss this one out - 1 clue- Help!


We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river

Whats the difference between an old slapper and a bowlin ball? nothin... They both get picked up,f......., then banged down an alley