A successful businessman was to give a speech at his old school. He had all the ingredients of a rousing speech about succeeding in life, but lacked a punchline. As he approached the hall, he saw written on the doors "Push" and thought "That's it! Push!" He duly delivered a wonderful lecture and concluded "What you need to succeed in life is written on the doors of this hall." Everyone turned to look and read the word "Pull".

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2! , you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My! dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

As a trucker stops for a red light a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Bill, it's winter in MICHIGAN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark." :D :D :D :D

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

> >A husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Southampton. After
> >hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop
> >for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel in Southampton and take a room, but
> >they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
> >
> >When they check out four hours later to get on the Isle of White ferry, the
> >receptionist hands them a bill for £350. The man explodes and demands to
> >know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it's a
> >nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £350. When the receptionist
> >tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the
> >Manager.
> >
> >The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
> >has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available
> >for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man
> >complains.
> >"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on
> >to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
> >famous. "The best entertainers from England, Ireland and the U.S.A.
> >perform here," the Manager says.
> >
> >"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
> >
> >"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies
> >
> >No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
> >didn't use it!"
> >
> >The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
> >pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
> >
> >The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says,
> >"This cheque is only made out for £100."
> >"That's right," says the man. "I charged you £250 for sleeping with my
> >wife."
> >"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
> >"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."

> Secret Code
>
> After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
> himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
> him know he was still in the game.
>
> Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
> message:
>
> 370HSSV-0773H
>
> Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
> no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the
> FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
> NASA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
> for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
>
> "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
:lol:

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The
flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm
blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde sitting in First Class
that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The
co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she
only
paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she
will
have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies,
"I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying
right

here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that
he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest
this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot
says,
"You
say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I
speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat
in
the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are
amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The
Pilot
replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne

An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one last great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled heap. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife........

"F*** off" She said, "They're for the funeral"

A man was out travelling one day when he was caught in a storm. Knocking on the door of the nearest house, he asked for shelter from the old Italian man and his beautiful young daughter who lived there. The man agreed and showed him to a bedroom, but made the provision that the traveller was not to have any contact with the Italian's daughter, or steps would be taken...

Well, being a man, around midnight the traveller made his way into the daughter's bedroom, and proceeded to make love to her. In the morning he awoke, back in his own room, to see a large rock on the end of the bed. He picked it up, and threw it out of the window, when he suddenly noticed a note on the windowsill, which read "I know what you did - Mafia torture I - Left testicle tied to rock." He thought quickly and jumped out of the window, after the rock.

As he sailed through the window, he noticed another note, and grabbed it, only to read, "Mafia torture II - Right testicle tied to bedpost."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:



* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,

"You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked

at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about

her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital

status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



the Drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd got a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

A lion, a bear, and a chicken meet up, and try to outdo each other in a bragging contest.

The bear says "When I roar in the forest, the whole forest freezes in fear."

The lion says "When I roar in the desert, the entire desert trembles with terror."

The chicken says "That's nothing. All I have to do is cough and everyone shits themselves".

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers?

A jelly fish - don't all groan at once:lol:

I went to the library today and found a trouser leg on the shelves.
I said "thats a turn up for the books".

========================

My mother rang earlier and said she was in a hole full of water.
I know she means well!

This afternoon I got banned from B & Q.

I walked in and some idiot in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking.
So i got the first punch in! :shock:

A teddy bear went for a job at the local council.

As the foreman did not want to upset him,
he gave him a pick & shovel and told him to
go around town and fill all the pot holes on the roads.

After about three hours the teddy decided to have
a break, and went to have a cup of tea.

When he got back he found that someone had
stolen his pick!

Very upset and dissapointed, he went back to the
foreman to tell him what had happened.

When he told the foreman what had happened,
the foreman said " oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you,
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Hope Fire Ball appreciates this one...

A Texan is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

One for the girls...

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

Management Lessons
 

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you.... but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 min. the boyfriend calls and asks what happened ...

She said, "The ******* used coins"

Moral of the Story - Management Lesson:
"Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed."

Some weeks ago, a friend told me a very very vicious joke.

What is worse than five babies in a dustbin?


















One Baby in five dustbins!:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

That is sick stuff

You sound like someone I know Radiomaster

DId you hear about the Irish goldfish?

It drowned.

Did you hear about the guy who died when a car ran over his Finger.........he was picking his nose at the time :faint:

Pat and Mick were throwing stones at the ground.

Pat missed.

What's green and hangs in trees?

Monkey snot.

Mickey Mouse was in court to divorce Minnie.

Lawyer - Mr. Mouse, as I understand, you are here to divorce Mrs. Mouse on the grounds of insanity?

Mickey - No, I never said she was insane, I said she was f***ing Goofy.

Joe took his blind date to the funfair. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim. They ambled over to the 'weight guessed'. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'weight guessed' they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the fair and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

David Bowie told me this one -

Two psychics met each other down the street. The first says to the second -
"Well you're doing ok, how am I?"

:lol:

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman says "What can I get you, Mr Hasselhoff?"

David replies "I'll just have a pint, and please call me Hoff".

The barman says...

"No hassle"

groan ;-)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of OAPs on a tour, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.



After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.


"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, ”We just love the chocolate around them."



It pays to be careful around old people.

What has John Prescott and an MFI flatpack got in common ?

ANSWER BELOW
















A couple of screws in the wrong place, and the whole f#cking cabinet falls apart !!

A Happy Woman:

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Latest Darwin Awards!!


Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the Barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space fo his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 ill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled , leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash from the register with a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
(which proves there is justice in this world.)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewge. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to siphon the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4.. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out].

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer foR missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Scary isn't it.

I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and S&M, but I gave it up.







I was flogging a dead horse!

Real newspaper ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better
be a reward for this nasty little thing.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am I am just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, I have seen a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the las t time you had sex?"

"I haven't had any sex since 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! You are not kidding, no sex since 1955?

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

When my husband unloaded the washing from the machine he found some shiny loose change 75p, now he is worried he might be called a money launderer:oops: :lol:

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Andy & Angus were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Andy came up with brilliant strategy "I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Angus' fly.

They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Angus' fly.
"Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more.

"I just can't do this any more", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much."

"It's all right for you", Angus replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

A baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad one
 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Feck dis. Budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...



































Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...












































Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Feck dis, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his feckin' hengliding!" :wtf: :lawl:

45 Fun things to do in Final Exams (when you know you're going to fail anyway)
 

45 Fun things to do in Final Exams (when you know you're going to fail anyway)


1. Roll up your coat to form a pillow and pretend to fall asleep until the last 20minutes of the exam. Then wake up, do some gibberish work and hand it in a few minutes early.

2. Make paper airplanes out of the exam paper.

3. When you have finished your paper, start marking it in red ink.

4. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

5. Bring cheerleaders and supporters.

6. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?

7. Bring a CD Player or Game Boy. Play the device with the volume at max level.

8. on the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

9. Bring a pet.

10. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

11. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

12. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

13. Come down with a severe case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

14. Do the entire exam in another language, e.g. Klingon. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

15. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

16. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

17. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

18. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

19. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.

20. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

21. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

22. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Feck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

23. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

24. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

25. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

26. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

27. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

28. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

29. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!"

30. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

31. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

32. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

33. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

34. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

35. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

36. Bring cheat sheets to another class (make sure this is obvious... like business notes for a math exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

37. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

38. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

39. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

40. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

41. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

42. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

43. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

44. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

45. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".


And before any wise-arse asks, yes :oops: numbers 2, 3, 4, 10, 15, 16, 18, 22, 24, 27, 30, 31, 32, 41, 44 :twisted:

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the sh*t is running down my back!" :-)

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

:twisted: One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being , anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific

Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to
the end of his tether..........
.
.
.
......(.keep going - it's worth waiting for........)

.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.

Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

:twisted: A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she Started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just be sure" said Paul.



So he sat down and wrote:



DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN,BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL



Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:



DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM



Lesson of the day:-

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

:lmao:

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

cant beat the sexist jokes

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.

:lol:

Second and final one for tonight
 

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
:D

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."

A fly was flying past a farm when he sees a bull in the field. Spotting a fresh steaming pile of poo, the fly realises he is hungry and decides to feed.

He eats and eats and eats till he can eat no more.

He flaps his little wings and tries to take off, buzzz, but he's so full he only lifts an inch off the ground, he tries again BUZZZ, but still can't take off.

He thinks for a minute and then sees a rake leaning against the wall and makes his way over to it. He climbs and climbs, looking up he sees he has a long way still to climb.

After an hour of climbing he reaches the very top of the rake handle.
He launches himself in to space WHEEEEeeee, SPLAT!

The fly hits the ground and dies.




The morale of this tale: Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of bullshit

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her
into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls
her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the
sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the
$99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent
floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current,
she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

Grooooan

> > FEMALE POEM
> >
> > I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
> > One who loves to listen all day long,
> > One who thinks before he speaks,
> > One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
> > I want him to be gainfully employed,
> > And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
> > Massages my back and begs to do more.
> > Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
> > And knows what to answer to how big is my behind"
> > I want this man to love me with no end,
> > And forever be my very best friend.
> >
> > MALE POEM
> >
> > I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
> > Who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
> > I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s..t
> >

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good-looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
He says 'Magic Bitter'.

She thinks that he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the bar for a bit.

After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, 'That isn't really 'Magic Bitter', is it?'
He says, 'Yes I'll show you.'

So he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out of the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him. 'I bet you can't do that again.'

So he takes another gulp of the bitter, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a 'Magic Bitter'.

So the bloke says to the bartender, 'Give her a pint of what I am drinking'.

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out of the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.








The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, 'Superman, you're a real w@nker when you're p*$$ed’.

A friend told it to me in school today, it is sooooooo stupid but somehow we all laughed, maybe it was a matter of the situation, but, what the hell:

The frog
 

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell!
:D :D :D

Sven wants to be a millionaire
 

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.”Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? Is it: a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

“Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a
friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win a £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won a £1million!"

Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham





























"... but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends

£15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The
woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling
really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down

the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm
50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an
old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her
breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and
amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The
old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,the more excited she gets,and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says....







"Blow Job Revenge"

:lmao:

http://media.mlxxfc.net/x.jpg

Not sure if this counts but it made me laugh.:lol:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

A dyslexic walks into a bank and pulls a gun on the customers.

"Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fcuk up"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
 

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

ROFL am in tucks

a young lady walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch. she is impressed by how healthy he looks given his old age, so she asks," sir, if you don't mind my asking, what has been your secret to such a long life?"

"well," the man answers, "i drink a case of beer a day, smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, i eat oily, fatty foods, and i never exercise."

"wow," the young woman says, clearly impressed. "and if you don't mind my asking, just how old are you?"

"twenty-six."

The Life Cycle
 

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.


Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.


Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to
your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.


Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way
ugly : She makes more money than you do.

Games for when we're old:

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

5. Musical recliners.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!



Thoughts for the weekend

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now we just go
"chunky dunking."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen a sleep yet.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


But Most Of All, Remember!

And don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
already tomorrow in Australia.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

===========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

===========================



On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

===========================

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

===========================



On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

===========================

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================



On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

===========================

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

===========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

===========================

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???...)

===========================

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

===========================



On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

===========================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

===========================



On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

===========================

Now that you've smiled at least once (maybe even chuckle)...

===========================

****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they
who let in the light*****

Something to think about...
 

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
 

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4 Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Speak and Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

I went to the ATM the other day, and an old lady was in front of me in queue. She seemed to be having some trouble using hte machine, so I asked if I could help. She asked if I could check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over and said "yep, it's pretty bad".

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

No offence to anyone from essex im an essex girl my self!!!!

Q: What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl ?
A: One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus !

Q: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex ?
A: Bus shelters.

Q: Why does an Essex girl wear knickers ?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours ?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?
A: Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

:lmao: :lmao:

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and... only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

Finally.....in 2000, eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing
up in the toilet.

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

MOM - Job Description

POSITION:Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:











"And Tigger?"

How do you cross a road in wales?

Caerphilly!

The three little pigs
 

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

:yay: :yay: :yay:

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

The Baptism
 

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
:-)

A man takes his dog to the doctors. The doctor asks "What wrong with your dog?" The man replies, "I think he's dead." The doctor leave the room and returns with a cat. The doctor places the cat on the table with the dog. The cat walks pass the dog, sniffs the dog and then hits the dog. The dog does nothing. The doctor picks up the cat and tells the man that his dog is gone and hands him a bill for $600. The man asks why so much money and the doctor says " $100 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

Paris, 1889: The riots just began, everybody´s running through the streets and beats everybody else up.
One man, runs around and screams: "Menstruation! Menstruation!".
Nobody notices him, so he continues running through the crowd and screams "Mentstruation! Menstruation!"
A woman notices, turns to him and asks: "Excuse me? Did you scream ´Menstruation´?" "Yes. Menstruation! Menstruation!"
"Didnt you mean...Revolution?"
"Oh, yes, sorry, but what the hell! Main thing´s that the blood floats!" :shock: :lmao: