What do you call a blonde with brain cells?
Pregnant

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." :lol:

Greatest Invention of All Times
 

A software engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the Internet, which gave humanity the ability to share information and communicate across the globe at such high speeds.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the ability to move from one place to another.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos flask.

" Why a thermos flask?" the others asked." Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

" Yes -- so what?"

" Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

A ventriloquist visiting Aberdeenshire walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!"

How do you tell if a blonde is wearing knickers?
Her ankles are warm!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he leaves.

The frog and the bear
 

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell! :D

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE!
 

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.


26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface, was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

joke thread....
 

i wonder- sex????

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc. 3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4. There is also Social Security Sex ... that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on ... 5. The fifth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some. 6. There is also a sixth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom:twisted:

:twisted: A woman, getting out of the shower, catches sight of herself in the mirror.

For a few minutes, she stands there looking at her own body in the reflection.

After a few minutes thought, she calls through to her hubby, "darling, do you think my breasts would be better if they were a little bigger?"

"Why?What's wrong?" he calls back.

"Nothing, nothing, I was just thinking that's all.I wonder if there's a way to make them bigger without the cost and pain of plastic surgery".

"Look", says her better half, "if you want bigger breasts, but don't want surgery, take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts twice a day"

"will that work?"

"Don't see why not" he replies.

So, although a little confused, she starts doing it.
Twice a day, she rubs between her breasts with toilet paper.

six months go by, and she is no better endowed.

"I thought you said this would work" she fumed at her hubby :angry:

"Well, I thought it WOULD" he responded.

"Why on earth, would you think rubbing toilet paper between my breasts would make them bigger?"


"Well", he says...........























It worked on your ass :mrgreen:

Peter Brock and Stevie Irwin meet at the Pearly Gates and Steve says "Crikey mate you here too?".
Peter replies "Yeah we both died in a similar situation."
"What, sting ray?" asked Steve.
"No, fish tail" replies Peter.


What did Steve Irwin say to God when Brocky arrived in heaven?
I asked for a croc not a Brock!!!!


Steve Irwin is up in heaven enjoying his life after death, up walks Peter Brock a bit unhappy that he has come before his time. Steve looks up and says cheerfully, "Crickey Pete, where did you get that awesome Halo?" To which Pete replies, "It isn't a halo, Steve, It's my bloody steering wheel."


What band will play at Steve Irwins funeral?
Sting.


Steve Irwin forgot to put sunscreen on that day he went to work cause he wasn't protected from the rays....
Also heard he put his sunnies on that day but not his Raybans....


:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration.

If you don't get them at first - re-read the address content. Each one can be clicked on and are proper addresses:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

On the Way to Prison
 

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

SuspendersOne day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothi
 

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

Trick Question
 

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

Lottery
 

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"

The Library
 

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

:lol:

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said: "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said: "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a super-power nation and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl: "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic! I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said: "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my school bag.":D

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

:twisted: I've just burst out laughing at that last one :lmao: .

Thanks mjbo :mrgreen:

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea," and went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't be worryin' now, I have a plan.
Cheers!"

They downed their drinks and Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through me zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

When the barman saw this, he went berserk and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub!"

(Thanks, Mike, this made me laugh and laugh...)

A dad has concerns about his daughter whose 16 years old and he angrily says to her "your boyfriend a lazy guy, he does nothing but play video games all day, he don't do a thing, hasn't even got a job!!"

The daughter replies "he's not like that"

The father replies "tell em one thing he's done in the last three months to make you so happy"

the daughter says " well already he's cured me of my monthly illness"

wish I could be cured of that......






permanently:roll:

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose throws away her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

:shock:

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike

"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

“Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.”

“Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,
and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five
quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card
points."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for
good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that

despite
being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to.......

I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind
blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

Brave Men...
 

1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

********************************

2) Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

she answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid
£400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g
pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

(Thanks, Mike)

Advertisement Feature
 

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?

"Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that"

An inmate on death row......
 

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.


The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

:D :D :D

Another one to watch out for !!!!
 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." ;) ;)

Another one thanks to Mike...


Octopus walks into a bar, says… I bet I can play any musical instrument. Bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than Jimmy Hendrix.

2nd bloke says…. Bet you can’t play the piano. The octopus plays better than Elton John.

Jock gives him bagpipes, the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused. Jock says… Ha, can ye nae play it?

Octopus…. Play it? I’m going to shag it as soon as I get its f*cking pyjamas off!

Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again" :roll:

:twisted: A young couple finally reach the honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

"I'm looking forward to this" says the groom, a masive beam on his face :mrgreen:

"Well, before we do", says his bride, "there is something we need to discuss".

"Everytime you make love to me, I expect you to give me £50"

"FIFTY QUID" :yikes: he yells in horror.

"Yes, i'm afraid my mind is made up, and that's the way it's going to be"

Unable to control himself any longer, he gives in and promises to pay her the requested £50 fee every time they make love.

50 years later, they are celebrating their anniversary with a big party.

Without a shread of bashfulness, the woman makes her speech to all present, including telling them all of their little "agreement" (much to the old boys embarasment :oops: )

At the end of the speech, she turns to him, and says "but I haven't wasted that money.In fact until last week I never spent one single penny of it.Which is why I was able to go to the travel agents last week, and book a two week holiday in America, front row tickets to the Meat Loaf concert (plug for the boss there :up: :lmao: ) and £5000 spending money".

The old boy looks amazed :shock:

"well you got nothing to say?" she asks.


To which he replied "If I knew you were gonna do that...................














I would have given you ALL my buisness" :doh:

:lol:

Feckin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a manager, this one's going on my office wall tomorrow!!!!!!

Imagine if major retailers made condoms...
 

...and kept the same tag lines.....

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

:lmao:

Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you c*nts who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in A hurry! And all of you c*nts who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks with no delays".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to takeall of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing Journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.

:twisted: A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an
overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. "Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.





"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."



:lmao:

:twisted: A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works.

" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

" Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. "

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question . .

" What's the distance from the earth to the moon ? "

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, " What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out.
He's more than a little frustrated!

He wakes the blonde again and asks, " Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? "

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

:twisted: George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?" :shock:

:twisted: Guy called Dave says to his boss..

"I know everybody in the world.."

His boss says..

"Yeah right..no way"

Dave says..

"I do, just choose someone, anyone at all and I bet I know them"

"OK then, Tom Cruise, bet ya dont know him"

Dave says. "Oh yes I do"

So they get on a plane, fly to Hollywood and make their way to Tom Cruise' house and Dave bangs on the door.

Tom Cruise opens the door and says..

"Oh wow, Dave, how you doing man, come on in for a beer, lets chat and catch up on old news"

After they come out the boss says..

"Well that was pretty cool, but maybe a bit lucky"

So Dave says..

"OK then, pick another, anyone ya want in the whole wide world, go on"

So his boss says..

"Right, I'll get ya this time..George Bush"

Off they go, board a plane for Washington DC and as they get there everyone is waiting for George Bush to come out and address the nation. Dave positions himself by the edge of the stage with his boss.

As George Bush emerges to address the nation, Dave is furiously waving.

George Bush sees him and smiles, he walks over and says ..

"Hi Dave, I just gotta do this speech and we can go get a coffee afterwards and have a little chat OK"

So they do that and when they come out the Whitehouse, the boss says..

"Wow that is really quite impressive, I am impressed, but if I can choose just one more, then it will be proved beyond doubt Dave and you will be my hero"

So Dave says..

"Yeah no worries, make another choice, I'll prove it beyond all doubt for you"

"OK then, errmmmm.. how about the Pope"

Dave says..

"The Pope, half my family are German, thats an old friend of the family ya picked there, lets go.."

Off they go to Vatican City where there are 250,000 people waiting for the Pope to come out and say prayers.

Dave tells his boss..

"Its too crowded here, I need to get close to The Pope to prove my self. I'll go over there and have a word with the guards.......because I know all of them too....and they will let me inside, and then in about 15 mins I will come out on the balcony right next to The Pope and wave to you OK boss"

Off Dave goes and sure enough 15 mins later he's on the balcony, arm round The Pope waving to his boss.

Dave decides to make his way back to his boss, and when he gets there his boss is surrounded by paramedics.

Dave scrambles through and says to him..

"Jesus boss, whats wrong are you OK"

And his boss looks up at him and says..

"I had a heart attack....I was fine, until you and The Pope walked out and the guy next to me said 'Who the feck is that on the balcony with Dave'" :shock:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have gotten out today."

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
-HR

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along, for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long, the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off, half an hour ago, to bring me another leopard."

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically,a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men arerendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of theirlife's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Send this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
__________________

This is a blatant copy and paste...


The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Last one for now:

MARRIAGE

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or you can get married and wish you were dead.

-----------------------------------------------

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes I am; I married the
wrong man."

-------------------------------------------------

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

--------------------------------------------------

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.

--------------------------------------------------

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA.
The rest cheat in Canada.

----------------------------------------------------

A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.

-----------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."

-----------------------------------------------------






Young son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, Son."

----------------------------------------------------

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was 'til I got married; and by then it
was too late."

------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.

------------------------------------------------------

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

------------------------------------------------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

------------------------------------------------------

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.

------------------------------------------------------

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

------------------------------------------------------

First Guy: "My wife's an angel."
Second Guy: "You're lucky; mine's still alive."

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are attractive to the opposite sex

The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open
his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

LAWYERS




A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying:

"All of you b%&*"$@s who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you b@~$£%&s,who are getting on, get your ass in the train, because were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son:

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B!TCH in the kitchen."

I. SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
" Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know -
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


II. LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I
don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"


III. QUIET SEX:

Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come
you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

IV. CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that
modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that
his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The
man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision .
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen" .


V. WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

VI. NO SEX:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

VII. OLD SEX:

One night an 87 yr . old woman came home from Bingo to
find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder , the judge
asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if
he could have sex..... he could fly.


Thanks, Mike...you always keep me laughing...

:twisted: The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the
trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascal behaviour that was going on.

So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion. So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time,too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said???










Okay, just wondering ... I didn't get one either ...

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine
with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman
asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
asked.
"Are you NUTS!?"replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded.
"Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
wine."

It was the ahppiest day of Paul's life.

He walked through the church and approached the alter.

Heather was waiting for him with a smile on her face.

He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

And then shut the coffin lid :shock::shock:

OUCH...

Hookers
 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing"

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

How to wash the cat
 

How To Wash The Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

:-)

Great joke!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Wisdoms
 

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen



"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humour)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers



"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips



"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly bitch he’s runnin’ around with.”

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

:twisted: School daze :mrgreen:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his private part and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby plant.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
and**bent over to pick it up.

All at once, eleven bells began to ring.

I'm pretty sure my brother didn't have to do that!:lmao:

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

Just thought of this one:

Q. What computer does Derek Trotter (Only Fools and Horses) use?


A. a Dell

The Lone Ranger
 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!" :-)

What green and flys?
Super Pickle

3 kick rule
 

A Toronto lawyer went duck hunting in rural PEI. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in this country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes Down East. We settle small disagreements like this with the Down East Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Down East Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

Sorry it's a real old one.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?



Today i had a slice of toast.

Smart Poacher
 

A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep ... every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'round for a while. Then I whistle, and they jump right back into this ice chest, and I take'um home."

"That's a bunch of hogwash ... fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth .. I'll show you! It really works!"

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited and after several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Thin Man: "I see you lost some weight"

Fat Man: "Thanks"

Thin Man (looking at Fat Man): "Well I think I found it"

(Fat man Proceeds to beat the Thin Man up)

snow white got sacked from disneyland paris yesterday for sitting on pinochio's face and singing "tell me lies tell me sweet little lies"

Thought Warioloaf's was bad enough but I really don't get this one........have I had too much to drink??????

Shit, just got it..............................

And it's quite funny really

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what happen's when piochio tell's lies ? please the rest is biology

dohh !!!

Though Warioloaf's is really still rubbish lolo

Too slow!!!!! LOL

way too much to drink ,can you send some over please !!!

Sends a large JD Rick's way, pleasure to drink with you m8!!!!

extra large baileys back atcha (with ice of course)

Is there any other way to serve it?????

I V works for me lol !!!

Yes but I like whisky and the ice doesn't fit down the tube!!!!!!

get a bigger needle ?

:twisted: OK boys, take it over Here please :wtf:

:twisted:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm :eyebrows: .

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." :wink:

The husband, rejected, turns over :sad: .

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" :roll: