:shock:

John is busy at work when all of a sudden the local radio station has a news alert.
Radio Presenter ''There is a crazy motorist driving on the wrong side of the A1 motorway''.
John remembering his wife was going shopping in the big centre next to that motorway rings his wife to warn her of the danger.
John ''Hi love are you at the MetroCentre Yet?''
Wife ''I've just left why''
John ''Be carefull there someone driving on the wrong side of the motorway!''
Wife ''One there's bloddy hundred's of them''

Meat: Lets do paradise!
Mark:1, 2, 3.......
Meat: Hit it!
(guitar riffs and annoying solos begin)
Meat:I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday, parking by the late and theirs not another car in sight, and I never had a girl looking any better than you did and the kids at school were wishing they me that nigh, OW!
Unnamed Girl: Hot Patootie, bless my soul, really love that rock'nroll!.....
Meat:Wrong song, buttercup
Unnamed Girl:Who me?
Meat:Yea, your our new singer and you should know what ****'n song were singing!
Unnamed Girl: I'm no girl
Meat:WAAA?!
Unnamed Girl:Yup
Meat:well, then why'd they hire you? Your a man!
Unnamed Girl: I came to sing Hot patootie
Meat: Why should I sing that?
Unnamed Girl: EVERY BUDDY SCREM "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT?" !
Meat: well, its Friday, saturday hasn't passed yet
Unnamed Girl:At Least do Eddie's Teddy
Meat: ........ sicko
Unnamed Girl:ERRRRRRRRRR!
(Unnamed Girl jumps off the stage, braking his neck)
Meat: Hmmmmmm, well, the movies starting, no time for the song
Crowd: awwwwww
Meat: Ohhhh, Kasim , I love this movie
Kasim : Me Two!
CC: what movie is this?
Meat: The Rocky Horror Picture Show :D

Exercise Routine
 

Exercise Routine

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



SCROLL DOWN.............



































































NOW SCROLL UP...................................

_____________________________________________________________

That's enough for the first day.

Great job!!!

Have a glass of wine.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs..."Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'



"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap...............

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

:twisted: Who is the most hated man in football?













The man who goes to see a match of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantyssilio gogogoch F.C. and shouts out "Gimme an L" :mrgreen:

ROFLMAO

:lmao:

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Keep going down

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

P.S. Thanks again, Mike!!! You keep me in stitches!!!

:lmao: I like it.

*News flash*
Michael Jackson has attempted suicide by
jumping off his private yacht at sea, but
police have found him bobbing up & down
on a small buoy!

The prosecution in the
Michael Jackson case
just submitted its first
piece of evidence today.
.............a single white
glove with a brown finger.

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St. Peter asks the 1st Nun "have you ever had contact with a penis?" She says "I touched one with my finger". St. Peter says "dip it in Holy Water". He then asks the next Nun - "I fondled one" she says. "Put your hand in Holy Water". Suddenly they hear a commotion as a nun pushes her way to the front. St. Peter asks "what's your rush?" she replies "well if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her arse in it!"

who got to heaven first ken biggley or superman??

ken biggley had a head start

How low can you go ?
 

A man is caught one day, having sex with a labrador in a public place. He gets arrested and a few weeks later is in up in court for the incident.

The judge is reading the description of what happened in disbelief, shaking his head.

"How low can you go?" he asks the defendant with a sense of shock and disgust.

"Well, I think my record is a Jack Russell!" :shock:

A drunk....
 

.....wanders off the street into a Catholic church.

He staggers around until he finds the confessional, enters, and sits down.

Several minutes go by but the drunk does not say a word.

The priest on the other side raps on the wall to get the drunk's attention.

The drunk says, "I'm afraid there is no paper in here either." :roll:

Why men don't write Dear Abby
 

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on w could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected or some time now that my Wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

Farting in bed
 

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake hi wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making he sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said,"Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we 're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....He sighed......."Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.

We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax office and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

Scene at Iraqi immigration control:

Immigration officer: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from the US of A"
"Age?"
"45"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

Dave

Two nuns
 

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

No Bull
 

A man took his wife to the Iowa State Fair and one of the first exhibits

they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and

there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50

times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This

bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice

a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in

capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited

that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day

You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with

the same cow."















































































The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he

should eventually make a full recovery.

A Polish man moved to the Ireland and married a Cork girl.


Although his English was Far from perfect, they got along very well


Until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce For him.


The lawyer said getting a divorce would Depend on the circumstances,

and asked him The following questions:


Have you any grounds?


Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.


No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.


I don't think you understand.


Does either of you have a real grudge?


No, we have carport, and not need one.



I mean, how are your relations?


All my relations still in Poland.


Is there infidelity in your marriage?


We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.


Does your wife beat you up?


No, I always up before her.


Is your wife a nagger?


No, she white.


Why do you want this divorce?


She going to kill me.


What makes you think that?


I got proof.


What kind of proof?


She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy and put on Shelf
in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:


"Polish Remover."

:lmao: Good joke Zina

:twisted: A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?" The koala says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks him what's the matter. The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!" The koala looks down and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude...how much water did you drink?!!" :yikes:

I've just heard some terrible news - apparently one of my friends has always dreamt of being run over by a train and this weekend he committed suicide by hurling himself under a steam engine.

Still he must have been happy at following his dream, apparently he was chuffed to bits!

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

Finally, a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.

The hottest selling bumper sticker from New York state .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him
for sex,these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.:shock:

Men sometimes don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said "Welcome to the gentleman's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next presidential campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

:twisted: OMG, that's a funny joke :lmao:

"I think" :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

And therein lies Mr. Flying Mouse last post...:lol:

Alright then...similar joke...

Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton are on a cruise together when, out of nowhere, the ship hits an iceberg and starts to sink.

Carter cries out, "Save the women and children!".

Nixon replies, "Screw the women and children!",

to which Clinton replies, "Do you think there's time?"

:lawl: :lawl: :lawl: made me laugh =P

A virgins Nightmare
 

...A Virgins Nightmare........

girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

That made me laugh so much :D

a blonde woman goes into the launderette to get her jumper cleaned, the blonde explains to the woman at the counter that there is a stain on it and it needs to be done in an hour. The woman behind the counter does not hear the blonde properly and replies 'come again?'. The blonde blushes slightly and says no its just mustard this time...

Loved these two, made me laugh out loud...

Okay, rude one coming up...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um,equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Stevie WOnder..........
 

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

At the circus
 

The old lion-tamer was passing on his skills to a young trainee on a work experience course.

"Now, the first technique you must learn is to stare down the lion, to show him who's boss. Before I can show you how to put your head in the lion's mouth, you must gain his respect. Standing in the centre of the ring, fix him with a level gaze. This will arouse his curiousity, and he will start to walk slowly towards you. When he does that, without losing eye contact, pick up your chair, and hold it out in front of you. This will keep him at a safe distance. You mustn't lose eye contact - keep staring at him !"

"But what if it doesn't - what if he knocks the chair away?"

"Well then, hold your whip out in front of you, and without losing eye contact, back slowly away until you get to the door of the cage. This will give you a chance to open the door and get out, without letting the lion close to you. But for God's sake, don't lose eye contact."

"But what if he knocks the whip away before I can open the door - I can't back away any more !"

"OK - keeping your back to the bars, and without losing eye contact, bending your knees very slowly, reach to the sand behind you, pick up a handful of crap, flick it quickly into the lion's eyes, and quickly get out of the door."

"But what if there isn't any crap on the ground ?"

"There will be."

Blonde tries to commit suicide
 

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

One night, George W. Bush is ****ing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER;
she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB;
she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND;
she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY;
she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS;
she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME;
he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers
GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT;
he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not STUPID;
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS;
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has
INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not short also goes politically correct as "vertically challenged"

Great joke...thoroughly American...

For Valentines Day A guy asked his wife what she wanted.

She Replied Something that can go 0 to 200 really quick. Meaning she was wanting a new car.

When he returned he gave her a box wraped up nicely here you go.

The wife had a puzzled look on her face. She opened the box to find it was a new ditigal scale.



LOL

Here's 1 more


Wise Old Indian Chief
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US.
Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied . "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian
man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

:twisted: I'm sure there's a moral to this, but I can't seem able to pin down exactly what it is :roll:


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and
Guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
Guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
The girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
Then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen,
This guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
Probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a
Woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

"if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
Whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
Much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
Dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing
My neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he
Was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
Had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


:shock:

I think it's probably along the lines of "always make sure you have a tub of vaseline handy"

:lmao: good joke neil

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Fuuny Both Prisoners jokes I'm gonna have to send those to my dad he'll LHAO on those jokes

:twisted: OK, to stay on prison humour............

Three police officers were given the following little laminated card.

http://media.mlxxfc.net/circles_4_1_15748.gif

Two of the policemen were Nigel and Cecil, high flyers in Scotland Yard.

The third was Nobby, the street copper.


The specialist area of all three officers was drugs division.

"Gentlemen", said the chief superintendant, "I want you to takr this card into the community, and see how many people you can convert to the path of righteousness in one week, and report back to me".


The three toddle off and return one week later.


"So Nigel, you first, how did you do?"

"Well sir, I converted 357 people to the path of righteousness"

"That's very impressive Nigel, how did you do it?"

"Well sir" says Nigel indicating the smaller circle, " I said this is your circle of friends if you do drugs.
You are a social outcast, the kind of person who is shunned by friend and family alike.The kind of person that nobody wishes to know.

THIS", he continued pointing to the larger circle, "is your circle of friends if you DON'T do drugs.You are an emencly popular chap, friend to all and the life and the soul of every society party.

See how much better your life will be if you don't use drugs".



"Very good Nigel" says the gaffer, clearly impressed.

"OK Cecil, how did you do?"

"892 people converted to path of righteousness sir" says Cecil in hiw most superiour tone.

"Now that is jolly good work, how did you achieve such a high number?"

"Well sir, I told the person, THIS (indicating to small circle) is your brain power if you use drugs.
Your thoughts are clouded, you can't focus clearly on anything.Even the simplest things like tieing your shoelaces becomes a battle of will against your own intelect".

"THIS, is your brain power if you DON'T use drugs.
The human mind is one of the most complex things in all of creation, capable of deep thought and wonderous revelation.

See how much better your life will be if you don't use drugs".


"Well Cecil, that is very very impressive" says the chief, who then turns to Nobby with barely concealed distain for the common police officer and asks "so come on Nobby, how did you do?"


"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, 5927"

"I beg your pardon Nobby, did you just say 5927?"


"errrrrrrr, yeh"


"Please pray tell how you did that" says the chief with a look of utter astonishment on his face.


"I told the person, look, i'm a copper, and if you take drugs, i'll nick yer, and you'll go to prison, and that's the size of your arse when you go in, and that's................."


I dare say you can work out the end :lol:

A Blonde's Year in Review
 

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

pmsl

love it

:twisted: A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the fast lane, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.


:mrgreen:

Aussie Foreplay
 

Him: G'day Sheila! Fancy a shag?
Her: No!
Him: Mind laying down while I have one?

Arthritis
 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A woman walks into a cocktail bar and says "I'll have a double entendre, please."

So the barman gave her one.

On his wedding night a guy asks his wife "Is this your first time"

The wife responds "Why is it every guy I'm with asks me that"

now THAT's a joke! :D

Killed me when I heard it, hilarious

I posted this one on another thread, but I love it...

A friend of mine drinks a lot. It escalated until eventually he was drinking brake fluid.

But he says it's akay, he can stop any time.

I gotta remember that one, like it!!!!

Fishcakes
 

A man walks into a fishmonger's carrying a salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course", says the fishmonger.
"Oh good", says the man, "It's his birthday." :lol:

What's Black and White and Waddles????


A Nun

2 Ways To Look At It
 

There are always two ways to look at everything, I guess.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.


"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars. Computers with light-speed processing., ..and more. " After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:


"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was surprising..

Warning:

Offensive Joke Alert.

Two tampons pass each other on the street. What do they say?

Nothing - they're both stuck up c*nts

(sorry)

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE
Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my first guess."

Mind the ducks
 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St.Peter says,"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, until one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on called Todd. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

Very funny!!!!

No Parent Left Behind
 

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being
absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

(Thanks, Mike)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" T hat's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

" Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Is There An After-life?
 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Mary. Mary."

"Is that you Fred"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.""What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."





"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Ireland." :D

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.


The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Russian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Russian software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...











Can you guess?



















Do you know the answer yet?




















Come on, think like a Russian ...
























... a dozen Russians waiting for a free haircut!

Three blondes
 

There are three blondes washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

The 3 bears
 

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his small bowl........... it is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness he can muster.
Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl......... it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mama Bear who set the table. It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
Mama Bear said, "Now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time - I
HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"

The three bears go for a walk before breakfast and return hungrier than ever.....

Baby Bear - Who's eaten my porridge?

Mummy Bear - Who's eaten my porridge?

Daddy Bear - F**k the porridge, where's the tv and video???????????

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, I'm your son's teacher."

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that "

:twisted: A delivery man went into a mental institution to deliver a package. On passing one of the rooms, he heard 'thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' over and over again. He raised an eyebrow and passed on.

After delivering his package he went back through the same route, and again passed the door...'thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' he heard again...unable to contain his curiosity, he peeked through the keyhole to see what was happening.

Suddenly, a straw came through and poked him in the eye!

He stood up, clutching his face and heard..

'fourteen, fourteen fourteen' :mrgreen:

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and
dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

The Salesman
 

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So he is in his room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9." :lol:

So this irishman walks past a bar.































































































































































































































































































:bleh:

:twisted: Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther
always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and
50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I
might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50
dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to
Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Firemen had to rescue an irish man stuck/trapped to a condom machine. They asked what happened. He said the sign says insert £2 and push knob in...

A young blond walks into a pet shop looking for a pet but not sure what to get, as she is wandering around she notices a box labled SEX FROGS £20 each complete with instructions.
No one is watching so she whispered to the shop keeper, " I'll take one please."
The man packages the frog and says " Just follow the instructions" The blond nods and grabs the box and rushes home.
As soon as she arrives home so eagerly opens the box and reads the instructions---
1 Take a shower
2 Splash on some nice perfume
3 Slip into a sexy nightie
4 Crawl into bed and place frog on the pillow next to you, and allow the frog to do what he is trained to do
She gets into bed and follows the instructions but nothing happens, she waits and waits but nothing , after a while she phones the man at the shop and tells him , The man says " I'll be right over."
Within minutes the man is ringing the doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says" See I have done everything according to the instructions, the damn frog just sits there"
The man , looking very concerned , picks up the frog, stares into eyes and sternly says,
LISTEN TO ME! I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME......