Lost in translation...
 

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish restaurant: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

Especially for Zina and Betty...
 

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots, (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Very very funny...thanks!!!

In re: the signs joke above...this is the true story...

There was no movie posters in Russia when I lived there...so every movie theater would have their own artist on stuff to paint - actually paint in oils - the poster for the movie...so every poster was different and up to the artist...

There are many I've seen that were hysterical but would be lost in translation...but one I remember very well...it advertised a very tight murder mystery where you don't know who the murderer is until the last 5 minutes...

One of the artists in my area painted the poster and written brief description of the movie...at the end of the description was following:

The role of murderer is played by Oleg Yankowski...

Bwahahahahahahahaaha

P.S. I have to add here that Oleg Yankowski was one of the biggest Russian movie stars at the time...known to EVERYBODY...

Michael Jackson has been found not guilty on all accounts of child molestation! His lawyer is now trying to get Stevie Wonder a driving licence!

Michael Jackson has sacked his chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdic.Mr Poke Um Yung feels michael is over reacting.

I walked into a Subway (sandwich shop) with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.


===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

For all our Geordie friends... I can hear the accent as I read... lol..
 

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."

Claire...these are priceless...hahahahahaahahahaha

You're welcome hon ;)

:twisted: Was her name Heli by any chance? :mrgreen:

*ducks for cover*

Paddy goes to the dentist....
 

Paddy asks the dentist what is involved in getting all teeth removed in preparation for dentures.

Dentist : "That's a major procedure. I'll administer a general anaesthetic so there'll be no pain, but it'll cost you €1200"

Paddy : "What! I can't afford that, is there not a cheaper option?"

Dentist : "Well you could go for local anaesthetic, but there would be quite a bit of pain for a few days after, that would be €800"

Paddy : "You must be joking, I'm not paying that, look what is your absolute rock bottom option?"

Dentist : "OK, there is the €150 option, but I would most certainly not recommend it - No anaesthetic, buckets of blood, and excruciating pain for weeks"

Paddy : "Grand cake, book the wife in for noon tomorrow." :D

Sick duck
 

A woman brought a very limp duck in to see the vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "You haven't done any tests on him or anything. Maybe he's just in a coma or something, I demand a second opinion!"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a brown Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a tabby cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and sniffed delicately at the bird. Then it sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiable, dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and out popped the bill.
He handed it to the duck's owner who gasped in shock, "£150 she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably"

Mibo, you have the best jokes!!!

:lmao:

Revenge
 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Supermarket
 

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air Is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more! :roll:

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"~~~~!" shouts the voice ...

President of Mexico has officially announced that Mexico will, indeed, not participate in the next Olympic Games.

Direct quote from President's speech: "Everybody who could run, jump or swim already left the country".

Redneck pickup lines
 

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8. Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

The Pope and his driver
 

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

:lol:

Did you hear about the Irish wood worm?
It was found dead in a brick

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?" .

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Do you remember ?
 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.



"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"



The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.



"Yes I do" she replies.



The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car.............?"



"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.



The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years'?".



"I remember that too" she replied softly.



He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today" :lol:

Chinese restaurant
 

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken
surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a
tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him
to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady
little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise"
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you
the Peking Duck"

:doh::doh:

Polish women are tough!

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi withFried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

The Irish, You Gotta Love Em...
 

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for
some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.



Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I
want you to think about something... Every time I clap my hands, a child
in Africa dies."



A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin' stop
clappin', ya arsehole!"

Ron's Story
 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a*** with only 2 inches showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

The Honest Mortician
 

A man who just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed. He pointed out that the man did look good

in the black suit he was already wearing.



The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the mortician a
blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in a blue suit for the viewing."



The woman returned the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.



She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"



To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check. He
said, "There's no charge."



"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she protested.



"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician said, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after

you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.



"So I switched the heads."

:lmao: !!! Love that last one! :up:

A Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Welshman shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man shouts back "Im english, speak english, i don't understand you". The Welshman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in"

:lmao:

3 detectives...
 

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on the Thursday with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel There was a computer in his room so he decided to send his wife an email.However he accidently left out one letter in her email address and without realising his error he sent the email.
Meanwhile somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husband funeral He was a minister who had a heart attack and died The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from family and friends.
After reading the first message she screamed and fainted, her son rushed to the computer and read:
To:My loving Wife
Subject:I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me They have computers here now and you are allowed to sent emails to loved ones I've just arrived and have been checked in I see everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While
her husband is off to work she is going to paint a couple of rooms
in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket
at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting
the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said,





















































"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

A young Florida football player was viciously attacked by a pit bull while practicing with a friend in his yard one warm September afternoon.
His friend witnessed the bloody attack and quickly inserted the blade of his stick between the dog and its collar. With a snap of his wrist, he broke the dog's neck and saved his friend from certain death.

A local reporter, driving by the field saw what happened and quickly parked and attended to the 2 boys. He immediately began writing a story for the newspaper. Scribbling furiously, he penned, "Local Buccaneers fan saves pal from vicious dog". The young lad who saved his friend commented that he was not a Buccaneers fan. The reporter changed the headline to "Local Dolphins fan saves friend from vicious dog".

The young lad again explained that he was not a Dolphins fan but a fan of the New York Jets. The reporter stared in disbelief at the child hero and after some time, changed the headline to read, "Dirty little Yankee ~~~~~~~ from New York murders beloved family pet."

She was in the kitchen preparing soft-boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."

A pair of newly-weds are chatting away a few weeks into their marriage, when the talk turns towards their respective pasts.

"I have something I should tell you", says the wife. "In a previous life I was a hooker".


"Oh yes", says the husband. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he continues "so tell me more; what kind of things did you get up to?"


"Well", says she, "my name was Steve and I played for Wigan".

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman


(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

















I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent:D

can you do an irish accent?

He really can't...he doesn't speak like a Lucky Charms guy at all!!!

It's cause nobody is ever after my lucky charms...well not recently:twisted:

I'll write it down on a bit of paper and give it to you - that should tell you how good I am at Irish accents!!!

You think?

Power of Positive Thinking
 

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

I gotta do the math with this and whisky lol

They said a flower
couldn't signify love.
The rose managed it.
They said a plant
couldn't survive without water.
The cactus proved them wrong.
They said a retard couldn't read text
messages..............Well done kiddo!

:lmao:

what the hells that??? can't you type??? complete drivel :? lol (no offence)

No, it actually depends on who joke is on or about...;)

I think you just walked right into that one Knooby Doo lol

i think you'll find i didn't, a quick witted person like me saw exactly what was going on.. a sarcastic comedy genius really

Vasectomy
 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome including
toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you
laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something was wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I actually think she said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm, you think?).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know (I really do think she was being snotty here, too don't you?).

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?).

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity. Like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs...

This one's from a book called "E.", it's a fictional compilation of the emails that go round an office in a few weeks, a brilliant read...this was "the first e. gag of the new millennium" - appologies for the language! :lol:

Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing. He stops for a chat and mentions he's neve fished before. "It's a doddle," says the angler. "Take a rod and give it a go."

"Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand," says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a while he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, "That's a great big f**ker, Father!"

"Language!" replies Father Conor. "I am a priest."

"No, Father, this fish is called a f**ker," explains the angler, thinking on his feet.

Laughing at the misunderstanding, the proud priest takes his catch home and finds the bishop waiting in his front room.

"That's a splendid looking fish, Father" exclaims the bishop.

"Aye," replies the priest. "It's a great f**ker."

"Please, Father! Such language," sas the bishop.

"No, no, Your Grace," replies the priest, "f**ker is the name of the fish."

It being Friday, the reassured bishop suggests the repair to his residence for a fine fish supper. Once there the bishop goes to the kitchen to clean and gut the fish. They are joined by the mother superior of the local convent. Being no great cook himself, the bishop says, "Reverand Mother, would you mind poaching this f**ker for us?"

"Bishop, you cannot say that in the house of God," gasps the horrified nun.


"You misunderstand, Reverand Mother," explains the bishop, "this fish is called a f**ker."

Calm again, the mother superior sets to cooking the fish. Shortly they are joined by the Pope who is making a surprise visit (as he does). Delighted, the bishop invites him to supper.

They sit down at the table and the Pope says grace. Then the mother superior brings in the fish on the finest silver platter. Eagerly the three of them await the opinion og God's Mouthpiece on Earth,.

"That is a fine fish," remarks the impressed pontiff.

"That it is, Your Holiness. I caught the f**ker," says the beaming priest.

"I cleaned the f**ker," adds teh bishop.

"And I cooked the f**ker," chips in the mother superior.

The Pope sits back and stares at them for a moment. Then he plants his feet on the table, lets out a mighty fart and says, "Know what? You c**ts are alright."

You know you've been online too long when ...

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

8. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vpersonalised number plate with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 people from online.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Please come and cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

35. You use online lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject red bull into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a tpyo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you with ((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".



Did you know ...

A South American scientist from Argentina after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read online forums with their hand on the mouse.
v
v
v
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late :))

Ummm...hahahahahahahahaha....

The "lol" thing is true...I've just finished a book with a character called Lorraine and her friends call her Lol for short...I found it so hard to read it as a name rather than Laughing Out Loud

Attorneys
 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Cheers Zina, it hurts when I laugh and that was hilarious!!!!!

Surgery
 

A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied. :-)

How to tell if you're ready to have children...
 

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime bar. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

A biker went to the Doctors and complained that when he passes wind, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.
The Doctor told him he must have an abscess.
"How can you tell?" the biker asks.
"Well," states the Doctor, "it's a well known fact that an abcess makes a fart go Honda..."

Sexual Confessional

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?'' she asks.

''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''

Love this bit :lmao:

This one's a bit rude...
 

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?

"Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

a bit rude....but a good one.

Dress Code for Older People
 

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or
hovering near 50 , or even nowhere near 50) are quite confused
about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the
kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are
correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar .
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least..my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends

The most functional English word...........

Well, it's shit ... that's right , shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.





You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.



Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!


Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Paddy on a flight sitting next to a Mormon...
 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight
attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in
disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and
said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
:-)

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

lol brilliant!

A woman goes to her Gynecologist for a check up, He asks her "Youve been married 3 times , how come you're a virgin?"

She replies, "Well, My first husband was an Astronomer, all he did was look up at the stars, My second husband was a Psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk to it, My third husband was a stamp collector, God I miss him"

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. They decide to consult their Rabbi The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband," try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous
room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Queenslander just shrugs "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my son is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says
"You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh? The proud father answers: "17 pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says...... "Had him circumcised!"

Indian Weather Prediction
 

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter could indeed be quite cold and that the members of the village should collect fire wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

A father walks in to.....
 

....... his 15-year-old son's room unannounced and realizes that the boy is doing what boys that age are wont to do in private. The man screams, "Boy, you keep that up and you'll go blind!" The boy mutters, "Dad, I'm over here."

Don't Step On The Ducks!
 

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole
in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl
who plants the trees called in sick.

This is a bit close to the bone...

A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies,


.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!!"

lol I got distracted half way through with the emerald shoes!

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.

The attendant, who knows nothing about Golf or Tiger, says "Top of the morning to yer Sir"

Tiger nods and bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees, they're for resting my balls on when i'm driving", says Tiger

"F*** me" says the attendant, "BMW think of everything!"

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?



The PGA Tour!

The Beckhams
 

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the Six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says:

"David, I bet you £ 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't"

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the Man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.

Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses."I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babes, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

Talking Dog
 

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that sh1t."

firemen had to rescue an man stuck to a condom machine. they asked what had happened? he explained "the sign says insert 3 quid and push knob in"

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I' m jus t full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'Wh at i s the name of th e restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already d resse d and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to star t writ ing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



A man was tell ing his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris w alking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Brilliant.... :lol:

Management lesson number 1
 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? ' The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129? '
The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. ' Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. '

Management lesson:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Management lesson number two
 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish. '
Me first! Me first! ' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. ' Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next! ' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. ' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up, ' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch. '

Management lesson: Always let your boss have the first say

Management lesson number three
 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing? '
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not. '
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Management lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Management lesson number four
 

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, ' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy. '
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? ' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. '

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Management lesson: Bull-shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Management lesson number five
 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate; the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lesson: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Best Divorce Letter Ever...
 

DEAR WIFE
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair
of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Spain
together! Have a great life!

__________________________________________

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I
didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So
take care. Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

PMSL!!!!

Laughing my butt off here as well!

Fall Classes for Men
 

Fall Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, October 26th 2007


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .



Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM



Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.



Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined



Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.



Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined



Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .



Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Welsh professions...
 

The barber: Dai the hair

The undertaker: Dai the death

The Proctologist: Dai Your Rear

Bad Welsh carpenter: Dai no-saws

Demolition expert: Dai Namite

Welsh vaccum seller: Dai's son

Indecisive Welshmen: Dai Chotomy and Dai Lemma (Llllllemma?)

Welshman who rings rude phone numbers: Dai Lonineoeight

The Welsh writer: Dai Re

Welsh bling seller: Dia Monte

Welsh road repairer: Dai Version.

Welsh coroner : Dai section

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on
the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.

'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says 'You're probably
right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

Women are smarter than men...
 

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million pounds." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.