WARNING: RUDE
 

Hubby just got a new set of Wiper Blades for my car. I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but he doesn't care, he says they work great and they are the only blades I have ever had that he actually likes to watch working. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work.

Do they come with working screenwash?????

Well someone was gonna say it!!!!!!!

And I was right ... it was you :p

Dirty Parrot
 

Woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot, and the owner says "I've got three - £200, £100, and £50". "What's wrong with the cheapest one?" she says. "Oh, it came from a brothel that was raided by the cops. It's language is a bit blue", he says. "Well, we're all adults in our house, so I'll take it".
When she gets home, she takes the cover of the cage, and the parrot says "F**k me!! A new knocking shop!", and the woman laughs. A few hours later, her two daughters com home "F**k me!!, Two new whores!!", say the parrot, and they all laugh. A few hours later her husband comes home "F**k me!! What are you doing here Bob!" says the parrot!

Lucky man
 

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.
After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins €10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, €10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game."
"I'm not that lucky" replied the man. "I've got B55."
The bingo callers face turnes to shock and he says, "You lucky b**tard! You've won the raffle as well!"

:lol:

This was posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too).

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Title:
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (Iraq)

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
(Indicate all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly-sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

A bit of religion
 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!" :lol:

Apparently Tom-Tom have withdrawn all their Sat Nav systems from sale due to a fault with their mapping systems, England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland cannot now be found in Europe.

How do you know Santas a man?

1. He turns up late
2. Drinks your booze
3. Emptys his sac
4. Only cums once
5. And f*cks off before you wake

Love the wedding invitation! :lol:

The spoon
 

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an Organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting To
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string Right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." :-)

The Donkey
 

A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
:lol:

THIS IS WHY PARENTS DRINK!!
 

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. It's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
 

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.




OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.




GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.




COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road....




ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.




JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.




NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.




PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.




MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.




DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.




ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.




JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.




GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.




BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.




JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.





ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.




BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.




ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?




BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?




AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!




COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?




DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?




AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

seem to hav herd that somewhere before lol

State Trooper
 

Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the Patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from South Carolina, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

The Pirate
 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.

Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Well...," starts the pirate, "...we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well...," said the pirate, "...that was my first day with the hook."

The Golden Saloon
 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck,
even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause,













then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

The Bull
 

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?" asked the other cowboy.

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" replied the first cowboy.

"So, how'd you get away?" asked the other cowboy.

"The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over," replied the first cowboy.

"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place," remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

A sadist, a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a murderer are sitting together in the mental institution.

"Let's have sex with the cat!" says the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it!" says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it!" says the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again!" says the necrophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with again and then set fire to it!" says the pyromaniac.

There is a short pause, and then the masochist says "meeow...."

Oh this is funny!!!:lmao:

This is very politically incorrect, so I'm apologizing up front if anyone is offended.




On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, how messy the island is, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done, go shopping, and get back to her cat.

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight ba *stard?!'

copied from "the sun" sent in by marc kantor..

I was driving to work yesterday, when I didn't notice the car in front, and ended up going into the back of it.
I went to speak to the driver and a dwarf got out.
I said to him "you alright mate?"
"I'm not happy," he said
"which one are you then?" I asked.

The Signal Man
 

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways.
He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him:

"What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy,
"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

blame my son for this -

What d'ya get if you cross a darlek with a dog?

A really p*ssed off postman!!!

10-yr-old humor at it's finest hehehhee

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple now everyone is happy

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde ......
 

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies' room. "Apparently," he says, "the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you're sucked into the mirror and never heard from again."

So the redhead goes to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this bar." A million dollars suddenly appears before her.

Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in this bar." The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.

Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, "I think…" And she's sucked in and never heard from again.

:twisted: Guy - Would you sleep with me for a million pound?

Girl - Sure, a million pounds is a lot of money.

Guy - Would you sleep with me for five pounds?

Girl - What?
Sleep with you for five pounds?
That's nothing.
What do you think I am?

Guy - I believe we've established what you are, we are merely trying to fix the price :mrgreen:

If your husband is running around
the garden screaming and covered
in blood don't panic! stay calm......... simply
reload, aim and shoot the b*stard again

How do you get 50 fat cows in to a shed?

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'

3 men lie dead in a morgue,
A frenchman
A scotsman
and an irshman
all with smiles on their faces.
Coroner asks "why are they smiling?"
porter says
1st was a frenchman who died f*cking his mistress.
2nd was a scotsman.He won the lotto and spent it
all on whiskey. He died p*ssed and happy.
3rd was a paddy. He was struck by lighting!"
"Thats not good, whys he smiling?"
says the coroner.
"He thought he was
having his picture taken

Jo you keep nicking my jokes :bump:

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing !





Naff I know, so sue me :p !!! :lol:

Emma that was poor!;)
But I won't sue :))

A guy in a bar
 

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."

After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"

Three Explorers Are Captured...
 

A Frenchman( or an Irishman Living in France), an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe.
As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.

The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman?? Says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

Water into wine
 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam .

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :
• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America .
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
• With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
• I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
• In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
• I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
• My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
• I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
• I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
• My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
• I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
• I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
• I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
• I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
• I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
• I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
• I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
• I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
• I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
• I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
• I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

....newsflash....Cheif
inspector Michael Todd
has today been found
dead at the bottom of a cliff
in snowdonia............
Finally proof that pigs
can't fly

just seen an advert for...... celine dion... sensational

You're a poster child for not drinking and posting...:lmao:

:twisted: And This from our political editor.

Jo you keep nicking my jokes.................................

irish spring bodywash??? in america?? wtf?????

(sorry, got drawn to the advert at the bottom)

Body wash AND soap...smells good but can remove your skin while washing...harsh...

lol

Whats the difference between
heather mills and nothern rock.
One has 25million, is on its
last leg and f*cks old people
for their savings. The other
is a building society

What is Easter?
 

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for Church
ladies
with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or
were announced in church services


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you..


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Brilliant! LOL :lol:

That had me giggling out loud, think there were a few raised eyebrows pointing in my direction...:shock:

:lol::lol:

Cup of tea
 

One day a little girl (3 years old!) was at home with her Daddy while her Mammy was in the shops. She was playing with a little 'tea set' that was one of her favourite toys.

Her Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mammy came home.

Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mammy waited, and sure enough, here she came, down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Letters to Viz - WARNING - it's Viz, and probably offensive!
 

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.


If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .


They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

D Evans, London .


If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth .


Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.

A Woodward, Sheffield .


They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan .


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .


In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

Martin Harwood, Bradford.


These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey .


Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.


We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.

George Nisbet.


Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Bollockbrain, Braintree .


Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole .


So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .


To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

Danny King, Balham


I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling


If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring


I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy


'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough


So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica , Rhyll


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Warren


THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer


I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray


' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill


'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Raymond Winky

If they start giving out incentives and benefits to nurses with OCD I may retrain. ;) must be easier than this writing malarky that I do. I think I must have an OCD paradox though cos I do all the handwashing but I'm still really messy. Go figure.

One winter's morning a husband and wife in Aberdeen were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, 'We are
going to have 6 or 7 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get
through.'


So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 7 or 8 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through.' The good wife again went out and moved
her car.


The next week, again during breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We
are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park............'
then the electric power went off. The wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do
now. Which side of the street do I need to park so that the
snowploughs can get through?'


With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?

I don't know if these have been posted becuase I haven't had time to read all 31 pages... but here goes:

A boy decides he wants to buy a TV for his room, so he goes out and gets a weekend job. After a coupe of weeks, one saturday he goes out and buys one. That night he lies on his bed and switches on and watches.

His dad comes up stairs and he says " Dad, whats love juice?" and his dad replies with "Oh god, time for the whole Sex talk"

After half an hour, he finsihes explaining and his sons eyes at this time are bulging and he says to his son " What programme are you watching?" and he says "Wimbledon!"

Two guys go hunting....
 

Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells,

"I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.

When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.

When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.

But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,

'Should we take them with us or eat them here?'

I couldn't keep quiet any more!" :yikes:

Heard yesterday -

'How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 2 2 1 1 2 2 2 1 2

I dont't care who your father is, but you will not - I repeat - you will not walk on the water while I'm fishing here! :bicker:

Best Surgeon in Texas


Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

This joke would have been so much funnier if it wasn't true...:(

The Lottery Ticket
 

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me.

I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,

I'm going to lose my house as well.

Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery!

I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God,

Why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, and my car.

My children are starving.

I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with me on this.... Buy a ticket.

:twisted: Three men, Tom, Dick, and Harry, die and go to heaven.

"OK" says St Peter, "this is how it works.You'll get a car each to drive around in heaven forever more, but that car will reflect how you lived your life on earth.
Now, Tom, you were a very bad man on earth.You cheated on your poor wife over 1000 times.In condemnation of this fact, you will drive a Lada forever".

Tom is given his Lada and he drives off into heaven.

"Now, Dick" continues St Peter, "you cheated on your wife on no fewer than 462 times during your marriage, as this is so, you are to drive a Skoda until t5he end of time".

Dick, behind the wheel of his Skoda, joins the motorway into heaven.


"Now, Harry" St Peter says with a kindly smile, "you were a very good man on earth.You never cheated on your wife in all the years you knew each other, not even looking at another woman even once in all that time.
In recognition of your love and loyalty, i'm delighted to give you the keys to this.........."

With that, a revolving door (a bit like the one from bullseye) rotates and Harry is faced with a brand new, top of the line, Rolls Royce with all the extras.

Understandably, Harry is over the moon, and he jumps into his new car and speeds toward heaven shouting his thanks over his shoulder.

For months Harry drives around receiving envious glances and beaming with all the attention he's getting.

Then, one day while at traffic lights, the three friends find themselves parked next to each other.Harry is leaning on the steering wheel bawling his eyes out.

"Harry, is everything alright?" shouts Tom from his Lada.

Bawling, Harry shakes his head.

"What's the matter?" calls Dick from his Skoda.

To which Harry replies............




"I've just seen my wife go past on a skateboard".

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

The Doctor
 

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

Dept of Water Resources
 

A Department of Water Resources inspector stopped at a rural farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water Inspector said, ' Look Mister, I have the authority of the Provincial Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself quite clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Inspector running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Inspector with every step who was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out ..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!' :-)

Bush, Kennedy, Blair, Clinton in Hell!
 

George W.Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you! You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go and you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George reluctantly agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In there was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over, gasping for air, such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said, 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.

'No! I've got this problem with my back. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.

The devil then opened the third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms and legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best!

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I could handle this!'


The devil smiled and said ....'Monica, you're free to go!'

Anger Management
 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole.'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd
in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

:twisted: :lmao:

Resume
 

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

http://media.mlxxfc.net/resume.JPG

Employer's response:

Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, Find the owner, Apologize,
And see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
Its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"
Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, Sir. We're sorry about that," The husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm A Genie,
And I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, But if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last One for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," Said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, Healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country In the world," She said.
Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe
From fire, Burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," The couple asked in unison,
"What's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, Since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
Woman in more than a thousand years, My wish is to have sex with your Wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, And all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
You're right. Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind, But what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," Said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
The afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, The genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still
Believe in genies?!!"

A young boy falls out of a tree, breaking both arms, one leg and ends up in a coma. After four months his parents are sitting at his bedside when the consultant comes in looking very serious. He takes them aside and says "I'm afraid to have to tell you that you should prepare yourself for the worse". The mother collapses in tears and sobs "Oh God, no!! Don't tell me Westlife have offered to sing him a song!!".

:twisted: A couple are settled in one night when an escaped criminal bursts into their home.
After overpowering them both, he ties them tightly to a pair of chairs.

After stalking round the house to make sure all exits are blocked he goes and speaks quietly in the womans ear.She then whispers back to him.
The criminal strides off in the direction of the bathroom.

The husband says.........

"Jane, we don't have much time so just listen.This guy means business.He's been locked up in jail for god knows how long and probably hasn't even SEEN a woman in years.
Now, he's probably going to want to have sex with you.
If you resist he'll most likely slit my throat, kill you, and escape to find some other poor victim, so please, for us, let him have his way with you.
Be strong hunni, I love you".


To which she replies.........

"actually Brian, when he whispered in my ear he told me that he's been in solitary confinement for the past 12 years as he can't be integrated with the other prisoners because of his mania for homosexual rape.
He then told me he REALLY fancies you and asked if there was any baby oil in the house, I told him in the bathroom, first cupboard on the left, middle shelf, he's gone to get it now.
Be strong hunni, I love you very much too".

Heroic Firefighters

A massive fire broke out when a diesel truck flipped over and exploded. The firecrew was called and everyone waited anxiously because there wasn't much money put into the firefighting program and most of the fighters were green.

Everyone was surprised to see the fire engine hauling ass, blowing past everyone, and driving straight through the flames. The truck stopped on the other side of the scene and extinguished the fire.

The story made headlines with "Heroic Firefighters" and the governer came and said that he would award money to their station. "What are you planning to do with the money?" he asked.


One of the firefighters shook his head and said, "Well, first things first so we'll fix those damn brakes!"

:twisted: This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.' :doh:

Yuck :shock:

Jeez, for Mousey that was quite funny lol

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

last week my friend swallowed an extractor fan.

he'll be ok, but it took alot out of him

Tumbleweed anyone?

ROFLMAO

scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point contain intelligent dna............


unfortunately, 95% of them will spit it out!!!!

that is terrible...but funny!

A blonde and a brunette are in a lift, next to a bloke who clearly has dandruff problems. Bloke leaves, then the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Someone should give that guy Head 'n' Shoulders". Blonde ponders for a moment then says "OK, but how do you give 'shoulders'?".

Dave

whats worse than a bull in a china shop????



a hedgehog in a condom factory

whats the most stupid animal in the jungle???????







a polar bear!!

whats long and hard and makes women groan????



an ironing board

someone should open a massage parlour called Head and Shoulders.

Wal Mart Applicant revealed...
Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old ~~~~~~~)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

MARKET TERMINOLOGY
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS From Bubba Barnsfarter - CBO*


CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


*Chief Bullshit Officer.... Every company has at least one, Government has many.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't
know..


After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.'

:lmao:

This must be British joke!
 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' I'll have the same,'
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,'
says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £24.60.'
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket everytime?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'