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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Aministration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.' |
Poor Bob
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?' 'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' BOB's funeral will be on Friday |
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CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS :lol:
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once ------- by mistake. --------------------------------------------------------------------- There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job. 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.. ------------------------------------------------------------------- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..' |
funny blonde joke -
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up . She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter |
The Christmas Party
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: 1st November 2008 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 2nd November 2008 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Pauline. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November 2008 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline. Note : A Pay Increase Of £10.00 for all employees as requested by the union to accomodate gift exchnage is not acceptable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------- ---------- FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November 2008 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8 November 2008 RE: The F******* Holiday Party. Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 9th November 2008 RE: Pauline and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. John Note: Pls avoid reference of Vegetarian , Hanukah , Ramadan , Alcoholics Anonymous , Weight Watchers etc in your get well soon cards as it might delay her recovery. |
Mike, this is classic...my entire office is laughing here...
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Proof
Proof that Jesus was... ...Jewish: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. ...Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job 3. His last request was a drink. ...Puerto Rican: 1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was always in trouble with the law. 3. His mother did not know who his father was. ...Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil. ...Black: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. ...Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2 He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do. |
2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins ...... |
Are Computers Male or Female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories. |
Whats it called when two Ticks mate?
Incest |
Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park is falling into disrepair and there are no funds available to replace it. When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said, "Well, it would just have to try and defend itself the best it could".
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Kids Are Quick
____________________________________ TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ________________________________ ____________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher |
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher So true!!!!:( (p**sed off teacher from north London) |
Two hill-billies from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works." |
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her hu sband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.' |
Small World
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again." |
They Walk Among Us...
People like these make you wonder how they actually survive in this world of ours! A K-Mart check out clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a 50 bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant & informed me she was educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave her the money back-same scenario & departed the store with the $46.64. I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'? While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. I couldn't find my airport luggage, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?' While working at a pizza parlor I heard a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' At a southern fast food restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and French fries. The young lady taking orders informed that they had no hamburgers or French fries. I replied that the other customers were being served hamburgers and French fries. She looked at me quizzically and replied 'those are BURGERS AND FRIES!' TheyWalk Among Us, they Reproduce, and Worst of all ...THEY VOTED. |
Funny Warning Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash) =========================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) ========================== On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...) ======================= On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) |
Police have admitted that they made a big, big mistake when they killed Jean Charles De Menezes.
They were actually after his naughty brother, Dennis. |
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What a guy.....
:twisted: A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank...I just married his damn widow." |
10 kids you shouldn't mess with.
:twisted: 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later….. “Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…… “Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?” 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’” 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.” 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.” 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?” 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.” 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.” 10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?” |
Classic :twisted:
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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.
The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00." The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?". The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." |
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.
The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00." The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?". The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." |
Bad one
A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says 'Certainly sir.
Would you like to enter our competition?' The punter asks, 'What competition is that ?' The barman explains that above his head are joints of beef, and that if he can jump up and hold onto one for 5 minutes he gets free beer all night long. The bloke asks 'What if I can't hold onto one?', and the barman replies 'Then you have to buy beer for everyone else all night long.' The punter shakes his head and says , 'No thanks mate, the steaks are too high..............' :roll: |
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests |
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young thing at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said. On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend..." |
Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns. The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?' He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different bloke's turn. The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look Awful!' He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and Watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.' The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed. 'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it. They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?' Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and Tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night............................ Then he sat up and watched me." |
Great Classifieds
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little ~~~~~~~. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $!00. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the best one: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $50 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything. |
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave, and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied: 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening, and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ............... You'll like this NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! |
It is often disputed that a dog is in fact man's best friend. Here's the proof.
Put your wife and your dog in the boot of your car and drive round for an hour. Open the boot. Which one is most pleased to see you? |
Al Fayed wants to sign Ronaldo for Fulham.
Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in tunnels.... |
A tale of two patients.
:twisted: Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? |
Things I thought about today.
:twisted: I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~ I had amnesia once -- or twice. ~~~ I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what? ~~~ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ~~~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. ~~~ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle. ~~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? ~~~ Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them. ~~~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. ~~~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. ~~~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ~~~ My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. ~~~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ~~~ The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ~~~ How can there be self-help "groups"? ~~~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ~~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ~~~ Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken? |
Everything works if you let it.
:twisted: An old man sends his son, who is in prison, a letter.
Charlie promptly sent a letter home to his old man. The next day armed police swoop down on the old mans house. The old man is bundled away to his alotment, and waits while the police dig up every inch off the ground looking for bodies and cash. After a couple of hours digging without a single body or pound coin bering found, the disgusted inspector calls of the search and the police leave. The next day the old man gets another letter. |
Husband Wife Humor
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife as ked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Saturday morning I got up earl y, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..... |
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' |
:twisted: I was passing a news stand the other day and saw the headline........
GAZA IN CRISIS I thought, he's not run out of vodka AGAIN has he? :shock: Hey, easy mistake to make :shrug: I'd always assumed the Gaza strip was something to do with a Newcastle United shirt. |
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,The church organist,was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.' |
News just in is that the engine failure that led to the airbus crash in the Hudson river was actually a terrorist action. Here are a couple of operatives quickly leaving the scene ...
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y68...g?t=1232731754 Dave |
How To Understand Engineers
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." |
Bloke goes to the Dr's because everytime he masturbates he sings "you'll never walk alone", Dr told him not to worry, apparently loads of w****** sing that
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He was wearing a pair of high heels, a pair of stockings complete with sussies, glitter make up, and a Newcastle United shirt.He also had a dildo up his ass. Police removed the football shirt to spare his family any embarrasment. :p |
A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years".
He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper. "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??" "Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!! |
:twisted: Why has there never been any mention of Newcastle United in Star Trek?
Star Trek is set in the future :lol: It's fun not being a footy fan :p |
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Dear Roger,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Alison Dear Alison: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Roger |
A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,. 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed, and started to get out of his bed. 'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fecking blanket.' |
Latest news from F1 is that Max Moseley has decided to go for an extra term as FIA President. In a statement, he said "It is clear that F1 needs clear leadership in a climate where the teams are strapped for cash. This is something that I obviously have experience in"
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:twisted: Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' :bleh: |
Religion
:twisted: A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a traffic warden along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." :p |
Religion II
:twisted: While in America..................
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! |
:twisted: The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go cat go :mrgreen:." |
:twisted: One sunny day in 2009, an old soldier approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Vice President Palin." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Palin is not Vice President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with Vice President Sarah Palin." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Palin is not Vice President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with Vice President Sarah Palin." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs Palin. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Palin is not the Vice President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing you say it!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow sir." |
:twisted: An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Older Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Older Woman: "Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving." Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Older Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Older Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?" The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too." |
Whoa .. .careful with some of those jokes Neil, they're antiques!
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:twisted: You say antiques, I say classics.
Thin line huh? :shrug: |
Top 10 ways you annoy your dog
:twisted: Ten reasons why you make your dog angry.
1. Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!! 2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? |
gotta like that one
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Bouncy bouncy
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.' '..ist gut, but I must vorn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vish zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?' 'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....Four-sprung Duck technique' |
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?" "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!" |
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?" "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" |
THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway when he sees a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. |
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at the admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back." The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" --and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, leaves the cockpit, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Slightly amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed...what did you say to her?" The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York." |
85% of Scouse males say they enjoy sex in the shower.......the other 15% haven't been to jail yet.
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whats the difference between a bucket or marbles and a bucket of babies?
you cant empty a bucket of marbles with a pitchfork |
A wealthy female hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.' 'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?' Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.' |
Faroes v Scotland
A real conversation from a phone-in on Talk Sport radio after Scotland's draw with the Faroe Islands.
____________________________________ Presenter: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss Faroes vs Scotland. Jim: Thanks... eh yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean we were playing the weakest side in world football and we can't do better then a draw. Presenter: It was a poor result... Jim: Poor result?? It's absolutely scandalous! The manager has lost the plot completely, he has to go. I know we have never set the world alight over the years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad. It's the end for us. The absolute end. We are the laughing stock of world football. Presenter: Look Jim, I know it looks bad but there is still a long way to go, admittedly there does not seem much chance of you qualifying for 2004 but things will improve. Jim: I never expected to qualify and don't mind that so much as we are not good enough... but to fail to beat a team like Scotland is a different matter and a real massive blow to everyone on the island. |
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. The End |
'THE MAORI APPROACH'............................
A maori boy moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Otorohanga.' The manager liked the boy so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The boy said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£ 124,237.64. pounds' The manager choked and exclaimed '124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small packet of fish hooks, then a medium packet of fish hooks, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him that it's a waste of time fishing from the shore and really needed a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Toyota Land-Cruiser.' The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend...... so I just told him that Since your weekend's ~~~~~~ed, you may as well go fishing Mate!' |
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells .... 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!' |
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
Dave, this is priceless...thank you.
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Top Ten Star Wars lines improved by the word 'pants'...
1 I find your lack of pants disturbing.
2 You are unwise to lower your pants. 3 Your pants, you will not need them. 4 Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this. 5 I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants. 6 The Force is strong in my pants. 7 You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought. 8 In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering 9 Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants. 10 I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants. For more, see http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=1906 |
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The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out, saving him from drowning. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to now be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act is of an obviously sound mind. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' |
Police have found more bodies inside the pie factory at Huddersfield.
The total is now put at approximately 3.142 |
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What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG......
clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop ... An Amish drive-by shooting. |
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' 'Ah! Me so sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!' :-) |
Yesterday I was sitting with my wife and talked about this and that...somehow we got on the subject of euthanasia...this is a very delicate subject concerning a choice between life and death...
So I told my wife...I wouldn't wish my enemy to get into this type of a position...when you exist in full dependency of the life support machines and the only food you can have is IV fluids. I told her that if I ever get to this point, she should immediately disconnect machines keeping me alive. She immediately got up, turned off TV and computer and poured all my beer down the sink... What an idiot! |
After 30 years of marriage Janet and her husband Mark went for counselling.
When asked to describe her problems, Janet went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Janet to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately. A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open. Janet flushed, tries to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' |
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A Lion, A Bear and A Pig are aguing who is the toughest of them all
The Lion says when I roar the whole jungle runs and hides so I'm the toughest The Bear says when I roar the whole forest runs and hides so I'm the toughest The Pig says you're both wrong. I'm the toughest, because when I sneeze the whole world shites itself. |
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How not to exercise
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If after a night out drinking and some one you know is a bit worse for wear tell them
They have CRAFT Syndrone (Can't Remember A F*****g Thing) xx |
Rick Astley walks into rehab.
The receptionist says, "Feck off - you're never gonna give it up." |
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Darwin Award Candidate
Not a joke, but funny anyway. An email taken from the " Darwin Awards near misses".
Dear Carl, Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun-adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working. Awesome!!! I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave. There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries. I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found. SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL! If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Jacob |
New Lego Set
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Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' |
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A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years. The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?' She says 'I don't think you understand, my name was Tom and I played rugby for Wales ... |
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:
Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht mah cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me." |
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