Jokes
 

Does anybody on here have any decent jokes??

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a
better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."

The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own fvckin blanket."

Fabulous R. Love that womens attitude

me picture disappeared again

:lol:

thats cool!!

Whats brown and sticky???













A stick.....

Hehehe ... good one. :lmao:

Heat not the elephant one please :wink:

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards

What do the donkeys in Blackpool have for lunch?


Half an hour!!!

Well, I don't know if I'd call this one "decent"...

In a small town in medieval Europe a poor peasant earned his living by carting loads of goods for people. But after many years, his old horse died, and the peasant was in despair. He went to his priest, who said, "Never mind, all will be well. Just come with me."

"Oh, can it be so easy?" asked the peasant.

"Yes," said the priest, "just come up the hill with me."

So they walked up the hill to the baron's estate and right into his magnificent stables. There was a splendid array of horses. The priest said, "Take your pick."

"What?" said the peasant, "That would be stealing from the baron!"

"Never mind, everything will be all right. Take your pick."

So the peasant chose a splendid draft horse and lead it down the hill. The priest, meanwhile, went into the horse's stall and fell fast asleep.

An hour or so later, the baron came to the estate and decided to look over his horses. He was amazed to see the priest sleeping on the straw in one of the stalls.

"Father! Father!" he said, waking the priest up. "What are you doing sleeping in my horse's stall?"

The priest looked bewildered, and then sat up, exclaiming, "A miracle! I must have been forgiven!"

"What do you mean?" said the baron.

"I will explain," said the priest. "When I was a young priest, I used to hear the confessions of a very attractive young woman, and, well, one thing led to another and, we, uh, well, you know what happened."

"Yes, yes," said the baron, "but why are you sleeping in my horse's stall?"

"Because God punished me," said the priest, "and reincarnated me as a horse, a beast of burden. But now, here I am a man again! Oh, what a miracle! God is good!"

The baron was amazed and bid farewell to the priest, who walked down the hill with a glad expression on his face.

Meanwhile, the poor peasant was happy, doing well with his splendid new beast. One morning, a week later, the baron came down into town and saw the peaasant carting a load. The horse somehow looked familiar. The baron stopped the peasant, who was now trembling. He saw his own brand on the horse. He examined the horse's teeth. Yes, there was no doubt. It was his horse.

The baron backed off a bit, looked severely at the animal, and said, "Well, Father, I see you've been at it again."


Well, I told you I didn't know if it was decent!!! :roll:

Have a great day, friends!

Love,
MB
xxx

:lol: hehe :lmao:

Sorry, Testify! Here's another bad one for you. :oops:

Mrs. Grace, Mrs. Rock, and Mrs. Powell were invited to visit the beautiful new Hollywood home of Mrs. Kelly. Mrs. Kelly took special pains to tell her friends to look around carefully when they went to the bathroom upstairs.
Mrs. Grace finally excused herself and visited the bathroom. She came down a bit tardily and in a state of excitement, saying, "My dears, when I sat down it played Beethoven!"

Mrs. Rock then felt the need and hurried to the second floor. She returned all glowing, saying, "I sat down and it played The Unfinished Symphony."

Mrs. Powell was last. She didn't come down, however. After fifteen minutes had passed, Mrs. Kelly grew worried and went upstairs. There was Mrs Powell on the floor wiping it up.

"What happened?" gasped Mrs. Kelly.

"Just my luck," said Mrs. Powell. "When I sat down, it played the Star-Spangled Banner."

:?

Love,
MB
xxx

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage
Loaded in the limo (and his Holiness doesn't travel light),
the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, " says the Pope, "They
never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really
like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my
job! and what if something should happen?" protests
the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly
regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm
gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window
as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one
look at him, and goes back to his motorcycle and get
on the radio. "I need to talk with the Chief," he
says to the dispatcher.

The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells
him that he's stopped a limo going 105.

"So bust him," said the chief.

" I don't think we want to do that; he's
really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"BIGGER!"

"Well," said the chief, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him!!"

This guy is driving along (in his Smart) when he sees a sign saying "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 50yards" so he thinks Nuns, thats different, I'll have to go and see what it's like. So he pulls up outside a large building and rings the bell. The door is opened by a Mother Superior who says "Welcome to the Sisters Of Mercy House of Prostitutes" and leads him down a long corridor. At the end she hands him over to another nun who leads him to a door. She tells him that the charge is £50 which he hands over and is then told to walk through the door.

He opens the door and steps through and finds himself back in the car park in front of a small sign which reads....

"Go in peace for you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"

This guy walks into a pub with is mates and is really depressed. "My girlfriends having an affair and I don't know what to do. I just feel like killing them or something!"

"'ere" says his mate "I know a fella who does that sort of thing, calls himself Artie. I'll get him to contact you."

So Artie gets in touch with the guy and agrees to kill the girl and her boss at the supermarket who she is screwing. But he needs paying 5 grand for each one. Well, the fella goes through his pockets and has only got a quid so Artie says he will take that as a deposit.

The following day he sneaks up on them at the supermarket and strangles them to death but before he can escape he is arrested by the police.

The headlines in the following days papers read:

"Artie Chokes 2 for a pound at Sainsbury's"

:lmao: heehee

well thats brightened my day!

This is a long 'un and only those in the UK will get it:

Every day on the confectionery counter, the little m&m's used to get bullied and beaten up by the Malteasers. A wise old Kinder Egg said to them that the Galaxy Minstrels offered a protection agency.

The poor little m&m's spoke to the Minstrels and asked for help. The Minstrels agreed and sat next to the m&m's. The Malteasers never tried to harm them again.

The m&m's started to get a little cocky about having their own protection and the other sweets began to get jealous. The others had a meeting to decide what to do and voted that the Lockets were strong enough to teach them a lesson.

Sure enough, the day came where the Lockets beat the m&m's to within an inch of their lives. The confused m&m's asked the Minstrels why they didn't step in and help. The Minstrels said "We may be crazy, but they're Methol!"

:lol:

I once had a teacher wet herself after that. I don't know what was funnier!?

What Is Politics?


Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure, son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

Father: "Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s**t."

WARNING, MAY BE OFFENSIVE
 

Two men, one rich and one poor, were discussing what they had bought their wives for Christmas.

The rich man says "I've bought my wife a Porsche and a ring".

"Why is that?", says the poor man.

"Well", says the rich man, "if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive into town in the Porsche and exchange it for another".

"Mmm, I see", says the poor man.

"Now", says the rich man, "what did you buy your wife for Christmas?".

"I bought her a pair of slippers, and a dildo", the poor man replies.

"And why is that?", says the rich man.

"Well", says the poor man, "if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*** herself!".

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far :lmao:

A blonde bird pushes her Punto into a gas station. She tells the mechanic "It died". After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idlingly smoothly. She says "What's the story?" He replies "Just crap in the carburettor" She says "How often do I have to do that?" :lol:

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in thier bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old "I think it's about time we started swearing". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiam. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh s..t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and ask with a stern voice "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your F.....g life it won't be Coco Pops". :lol:

and finally....
You gotta love a good beer slogan......
The latest Becks Beer advert in Scotland (displayed in pubs etc) is as follows:-
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE POSH TO SWALLOW BECKS :lol:

nice one dottie heres one

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught
the natives, was how to speak English,
so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree. "
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock
and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock. "
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results
when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

Here's a golf joke in honor of Meat!!

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

:lmao:

Love,
MB
xxx

:lmao: :lmao:

v v good!!

3 women died and were taken to Heaven where St Michael was sat at the gates knitting M&S sweaters (it was St Peters day Off!) He said to the ladies, OK you can come in but you mustn't step on any ducks.

So they walked into Heaven adn the place was full of ducks. One woman was so surprised at this that she stepped backwards and stood on a duck. Without saying a word St Michael came up to her nad chained a really ugly man to her adn then walked up.

Well, the second woman was laughing so mucha t this that she too managed to step on a duck. St Michael walked up and without saying a word, chained a really ugly man to her before walking off.

All of a sudden St. Michael walked up to the 3rd woman and chained a drop-dead gorgeous chap to her. She looked at this perfect man adn said "What did I do to be rewarded with being chained to you?"

"I don't know "said the chap "But I stepped on a duck"

here's a joke for ya

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a
bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's
$1,000.Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking only $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.




go on..................scroll down




Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

lol hehe, where do u lot hear all these jokes??

Prayers ...
 

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the fool you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store. Amen.

:)) :))

If she's deaf-mute, How does she tell me when tea is ready!!!!

JOKE:

An old couple were sat in their rocking chairs one day quietly rocking away. Suddenly the old woman got up and punched the man that hard he fell backwards off his chair.

"What the ~~~~ was that for?" He asked in astonishment
"That was for 45 years of bad sex!" came the reply

The man sat back down and thought for a few minutes before getting back up and walking over to his wife and slapping her that hard she rolled off the chair! Walkign back to his seat he said:

"That was for knowing the difference!!"

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, I don't know his name ... but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother Of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.". The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

The monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?", the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, but ... he's a dead ringer for his brother."

:twisted: A vicar and a rather umpleasant loudmouthed man were playing golf.
The vicar tee'd off first and got a perfect hole in one.The other guy tee'd off and his ball landed in a bunker.
"S...,F... I missed the B......" said the man.
My son"said the priest,"if you use language like that,then god will surely strike you down".
On the next hole,the vicar once again got a hole in one.
The other guy took his turn and landed in the rough.
"S...,F... I missed the B..... " he said.
"My son,I have already warned you that if use such profanaties,god will surely strike you down"the pained preacher informed him.
This happened on ever hole on the course.The vicar had a perfect score,while the man continually cursed his bad luck.
On the 18th hole the man cursed again.
Suddenly,out of the cloudless sky,a lightening bolt flew down and struck the vicar killing him stone cold dead.
A voice came from the heavens...
"S...,F....,I missed the B......"

The Greek scholar took his torn pants to the Greek tailor.

Studying the tear, the tailor asked, "Euripedes?"

The scholar nodded, "Eumenides?"

8O

Love,
MB
xxx

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came
to her father and
asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and
exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree.
Let me show you
what I mean."

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed
a number at
random.
To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is
Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named
Melvin. Why don't
you learn to look up numbers before you dial".

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was
not a bit happy
with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed
him. Now watch...."

The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin
there?" asked
the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just
called this number
and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've
got lot of guts
calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see,
that was anger.
Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice
roared, "Hello!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have
there been any
calls for me?"

A Fractured Fairy Tale

After she was finished with Cinderella, the fairy godmother paid a visit on another poor young girl, Minuetta. Extremely flat-chested, the woman is convinced that her life would improve if only she had large breasts.

"All right," the fairy godmother said, "How about we fix it so that every time a man says 'pardon' to you, they grow a bit."

Delighted with the arrangement, Minuetta goes to market next day. Bumping into a woodcutter, she's delighted when he tips his hat, says, "I beg your pardon," and her breasts grow nearly an inch.

Later, when a coachman accidentally splashes mud on her, he stops and says, "Pardon me." Her breasts grow again.

Smiling radiantly when she reaches the market, she goes to the vegetable stand and asks the Arab merchant for some bread. While he's handing it to her, he knocks a tub of jam on her dress.

"Oh, dear," he bows and scrapes, "a thousand pardons!"

:bunny:

Love,
MB
xxx
'er, maybe that should be
XXX
:wink:

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.

One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."

It was a violent storm, but Rene Descartes and his colleague Raoul had agreed to attend a philosopher's convention in Paris. En route, their carriage became hopelessly mired in the mud. Refusing to accept defeat, Descartes leapt from the carriage, pushed the driver aside, and began pulling on the horse. The animal bolted and knocked the philosopher back into the mud.

Raoul climbed out and they helped the dazed Frenchman to his feet. "In the future, " the driver said to Raoul, "you would be wise not to put Descartes before the horse."

:roll:

Don't like that one--you won't like the next one any better!!!! :twisted:

The ten unusually small pigs walked into the bar and ordered beer after beer. As the night progressed, all but one of them made at least a dozen trips to the bathroom.

After the bartender brought him his twentieth brew, he asked the one pig, "Say, how come you've been drinking all night, yet you haven't gone to the john once?"

The pig looked up. "Because I'm the one that goes wee-wee-wee-wee-wee- all the way home."

8O

Love,
MB
xxx

:lmao:

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

I apologize ahead of time for this one!!

When the waters finally subsided, and Noah led all the animals onto dry land, he was distraught by a pair of snakes who refused to leave.

Arms on hips, he glared down at them. "So, why don't you leave?"

"Because we can't go do what the Lord has asked," replied one of the snakes.

"You mean you can't go forth and multiply? Why not??"

The snake said sadly, "Because we're adders."


Okay! Okay! I TOLD you it was a bad one!! :twisted:
How about another one?


Two nuns were driving down a desolate highway when they ran out of remembered that they had passed a gas station just a few miles back so they started the tiresome walk back.

Once back at the gas station, the nuns explained their problem and asked for some gas and a can to put it in. The attendant explained that they no longer loaned out gas cans as travelers so often failed to return them. The nuns asked him if he had any suggestions and the gas jockey pointed to a trash heap out behind the garage, suggesting that the nuns might find something there in which to carry the fuel back to their car.

After rummaging through the trash for quite some time, the only thing the nuns could find in which to put some gas was an old baby's training potty. Filling the potty with gas, they made the long walk back to their car.

About this time, a drunk happened along and saw this sight on the side of the road. He slammed on the brakes, slid to a stop, jumped out and staggered over to the nuns. Not saying a word, he watched as they poured from the potty into the tank.

Just as the nuns were about to start the car, the drunk straightened up and exclaimed..."Lordie me, Sisters - you sure got more faith than I got!"

:roll:


They say 'Third time's a charm'...shall we give it a try...?


A Christian in ancient Rome was being pursued by a lion. He ran through the city streets and into the woods, dodging back and forth among the trees.

Finally it became obviously that it was hopeless--the lion was going to catch him. So he turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. "Lord," he prayed desperately, "make this lion a Christian."

Instantly the lion dropped to its knees and prayed, "For this meal of which I am about to partake..."

:lol:

Love,
MB
xxx

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

Three International journalists, a Briton, an American and a Frenchman, were captured by terrorists in Iraq. Each man was sentenced to stand before a firing squad.

The Briton was the first to be put against the wall. Standing back, the terrorist in charge said, "Ready, aim--"

At which point the Briton interrupted by shouting, "Earthquake!"

The Firing squad ran for cover, and the Briton escaped.

Regrouping, the Iraqis put the American against the wall. Once again the leader said, "Ready, aim--"

"Flood!" Taking a leaf from the Briton's book, the American yelled.

Once again the Iraqis panicked, and the prisoner escaped.

Finally the French journalist faced the guns, ready to repeat the ploy of his predecessors. The terrorist leader said, "Ready, aim--"

"Fire!" hollered the Frenchman.

8O

Okay! Here's another one with an International theme, which isn't much better!!

The Mafia don learns from his accountant that someone in the family in America has been stealing money. Flying from Sicily, he has all of his young lieutenants brought in one at a time. Alone in a room with his translator, Maria, he asks each of them if they have been taking money. Whenever a man says, "No," the don puts a gun to the man's head. If he still says "No," the don lets him go.

The last lieutenant brought before the don is Salvatore, and he's shaking like a leaf.

"So," says the don through his translator, "Are you the one who has been stealing from me?"

"No, Godfather," says the man.

The Godfather puts the pistol to the man's temple. "I ask you again: Are you the one who has been stealing from me?"

Quaking horribly, the man screams, "Yes! Yes! I took the money and put it in a suitcase in my attic!"

The don looks at his translator.

"Godfather," she reports, "He says, 'I'll bet this old codger doesn't have the guts to pull the trigger.'"

:mrgreen:

Love,
MB
xxx

A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom.

"In the margin of the paper, the professor commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

:twisted:

Love,
MB
xxx

hi mb how r you


Have you recently been diagnosed with AAADD?

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes...


I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .

Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious...

I'd get help...

BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.

:D :D :D

:lmao:
:lol:
:lmao:

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Here's a bad joke to start off the weekend: :roll:

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".


:oops: Yeah, I know...Shall we try another one??


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience could be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for day after day...

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"


:roll:

Love,
MB
xxx

hope you can see the funny side to this

There were two nuns...
>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other
>one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are
>still far away from the convent.
>
>
>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
>past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
>
>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
>most?What can we do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
>
>SM: It's not working.
>
>
>SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
>thing. He started to walk faster, too.
>
>
>SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
>minute.
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
>and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.
>
>
>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>
>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
>what has happened to Sister Logical.
>
>
>Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
>
>SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
>happened!
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
>us both,so he followed me.
>
>
>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
>could and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
>
>SM: And?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
>
>SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
>
>SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
>
>
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
>
>SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
>man with his pants down.

hehehehe I like that one! :lmao:
Here's one more; but maybe it would have fitted better in the "Women rule" section; dunno. :wink:

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.
One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.

Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.

When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told her, "They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again your grounded!"

The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.

When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the pole and her mother went ape. "I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!" she raged.

"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any."

Here's one for "The Lord Of The Rings" fans. :wink:


Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.
The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in he boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Eminence, look at this bigsonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says
"You know, you fvckers are all right".

8O :))

Famous Sexual Quotes

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy - Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?Me neither - Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand - Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for adate on Sauturday night.- Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increases sexual arousal particularly in women amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 500SL - Lynn Lavner

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist - Matt Barry

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope - Camille Paglia

Sex is one of the nine reasons for re-incarnation. the other eight are unimportant - George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships - Sharon Stone

My girlfrield always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading - Steve Jobs - (Founder Apple Computers)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it so I said Thyroid Problem - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men

. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps - Tiger Woods

continued...
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch - Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)

Ah, yes divorce from the latin word meaning
to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place - Billy Crystal

According to a new survey women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other woman. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful - Robert de Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms they say they cause severe swelling. So whats the problem - Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in mens magazines because men think - I know what I'm doing - Just show me somebody naked - Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house - Rod Stewart

:lmao:

An Irishman, a South African and a Chinese man were looking for jobs in the Job centre. A clerk comes up to them and says "I have three jobs on a building site that starts tomorrow, could you be there for 8?" Gratefully, the men take the offer.

At 8, the foreman meets the threesome and asks them if they have any experience. The Irishman replied, "Back in Limerick, I was well known amongst builders as a fine roofer." So he walked up the ladders and started work on the roof.

The foreman asked the South African what he could do, "Well, me and my brother worked together as brickies back in Cape Town" So he picked up a trowel and started building walls.

The Chineseman said, "I've never done building work, but I'm pretty good with figures." The foreman decides he would be useful down in supplies and puts him to work.

After a few weeks, the building is nearing completion and the Irishman and South African are eating lunch together. The both wonder what happened to the Chineseman as they hadn't seen him since they started. So they both went down to supplies and asked for him, when all of a sudden, the Chineseman burst out of a cupboard shouting, "SUPPLIES!!"

Hope that didn't upset anyone?

:lmao:

:lmao:

Ok - the sonofabitch joke translated by The Dialectiizer

A priest decides t' take a walk t' de pieh near his church.
He looks around 'n final stops t' watch a fishehman load his boat.
De fishehman notices, duuhhhh, 'n asks de priest if he wudd like t' dgoin him f' a couble of hours.
De priest agrees.

De fishehman asks if de priest has ebeh fishid bef'e, uh uh uh, t' which de priest says no.
He baits de hook f' him 'n says, duuhhhh, "Gibe it a shot fadeh".
Afteh a few minoots, duuhhhh, de priest hooks a big fish 'n struggles t' get it in he boat.

De fishehman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Priest: "Uh, blease sir, can you mind your language, duh...uh...?"
Fishehman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry fadeh, but dat's what dis fish is callid - a sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

Afteh the, duh uhh, trip, de priest briggs the, uh uh uh, fish t' the, errr, church 'n spots de bishop.
Priest: "Eminess, look at dis bigsonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "Please Fadeh, mind your language, uh uh uh, dis is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't undehstand - dat's what dis fish is called, uh uh uh uh, 'n I caught it. DOIHH!I caught dis sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. Duh, you know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, I cudd clean dis sonofabitch 'n webuh cudd habe it f' dinneh."
So de Bishop takes the, uh uh uh, fish 'n cleans it, uh, 'n briggs it t' Modeh Supehior at the, errr, conbent.

Bishop: "Modeh Supehior cudd you cook dis sonofabitch f' dinneh tonite, duh...uh...?"
Modeh Supehior: "My lord, uh uh uh uh, what language! Huh huh!"
Bishop: "No, Sisteh, dat's what the, uh uh uh, fish is callid - a sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL! Fadeh caught it, uh, I cleanid it, uh, 'n webuh'd like you t' cook it."
Modeh Supehior: "Hmmm. Duh, yes, duuhhhh, I'll cook dat sonofabitch tonite."

Webuhll, de Pope stops by f' dinneh wid the, duh uhh, three of dem, 'n dey all dink the, uh uh uh, fish is great. He asks whehe dey got it.
Priest: "I caught the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Bishop: "And I cleanid the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
Modeh Supehior: And I cookid the, ERRRR, sonofabitch! Doihh, COOL!"
De Pope stares at dem f' a minoot wid a stee gaze, uh uh uh, but den takes off his hat, uh, puts his feet up on the, duh uhh, taggle, 'n says
"You know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, you fockehs are all rite".

8O :))

:lmao: hehehe

sorry im crap at jokes

Two nuns were walking down an alley. They suddenyl realised that they were being followed by two men. So the nuns speeded up and then the men speeded up. So the nuns began to run and then the men began to run.

Finally the men caught the nuns, threw them to the ground and ripped their habits off them. The first nun cast her eyes heavenward and cried "Forgivew him lord, he knows not what he is doing."

The second nun shouted out "It's alright lord, mine does!"

Ahem ... cough ...

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that." she said, but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my 16-year-old sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

:)) :))

:lmao:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter, Candy"

He turned to second mother, "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny"

He turned to the third mother "Your obsession is alcohol. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother got up took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on Dick, lets go"

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies. The couple go to an undertaker who explains that
they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $7500, whereas they
can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and
we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

:p :))

How do you confuse an idiot?

32

For the Dutchies:

Wat staat er op een rolstoel van een moslim ??

Islam

The bear and the rabbit

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

If that rabbit is male,he's just wished a whole heap of trouble on himself 8O :lol:

Poem by guess who - read carefully you should be able to suss this one out - 1 clue- Help!


We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river

Whats the difference between an old slapper and a bowlin ball? nothin... They both get picked up,f......., then banged down an alley

Paul Mcartney... :twisted:

- Yes! :lol:

Eeeeeerm, I think it was JOHN LENNON!!!!???? 8O 8O 8O

This one is QUITE disgusting, but tame. 8)


3 Vampires


There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

Eeeeeerm No - P.Mc new wife - l leg get it :lol:

>A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil
>pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
>motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
>
>After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal.
>
> "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream"

:lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao: :mrgreen: :lmao:

Hafta tell you my elephant joke.. WARNING though..it may not be to everyone's taste....



A man goes to his doctors, and says to the doc, 'I've been raped by an elephant!!'
The doctor looks slightly aghast, and suggests the man drop his pants, and bend over so he can examine him.
The man does so, but when the doc looks, all the doc see's is a massive hole where the man's anus should be...
'In my opinion,' says the doc, 'Elephants have very long, thin penis's....there's no way that an elephant's penis could have caused this damage'
'I know what your saying doc,' says the man, ' But he fingered me first...'

:D :D :D



A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a*** was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

:mrgreen:

A man went to Court to divorce his wife.

"Why do you want a Divorce?" asked the Judge.

"Well", he replied, "She keeps goats in the bedroom and they stink".

"Can you not open the windows?" asked the Judge.

"What?" replied the man. "And let all my pigeons out?"

Heather.

Oh, Dottie,

Just read your jokes! :lol: :lol: :lol: Could not stop laughing!

You have my sense of humour!

Heather.

3 Men, 3 Wishes

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

A tramp walks into a bar and asks the barman for a toothpick. Not wanting any trouble, the barman gives the man a toothpick. Another tramp walk in and asks the barman for a toothpick, and again, the barman duly obliges.

A third tramp walked in and the barman gave him a toothpick. The tramp declines and asks for a straw. The barman asks "I've just had two tramps asks me for a toothpick, why do you need a straw?"

"Someone has been sick outside and all the good bits have gone"

Ewww...

I read the Tramp joke and was so upset I was sick through the open window.

The doorbell rang - my husband said "There are three tramps outside and the first two are asking for toothpicks".....

:twisted: HeHeHe :twisted:

Dare I put my name to this?

:mrgreen: YUCK! :mrgreen:

Q: What does an elephant use as tampon?

A: A sheep.


:lol:

i seriously wonder about u ppl sometimes :lol:

:devil: How come??? :devil:

A guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger and a hotdog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, ?Where's the burger??

Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, ?I was keeping it warm.?

Disgusted he says, ?Please cancel my hotdog...?

I agree with Testify, sometimes I really worry about the things that are going on in your heads.
Some of those things are very funny tho...

I dont get Wild Honey's joke - someone explain?

Heather.

:twisted: I seriously doubt anyone could explain it without having their post being edited big time :lol: .

:lmao: hehe nope!!

Sorry, just realised my mistakes.... :oops: I'll edit it later!!!