Letter to Dog From Owner
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Dear Dog,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still three dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Thank you,
Your Owner
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