Resurrection time! (I can't believe this thread had slipped so far down the list!)
Apologies if I offend anybody but I've had this sent to me by Americans twice now ....
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your
President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of
Monday 22nd November 2004.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
doesn't much fancy.
Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you
unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any
of you noticed.
To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
While there,
check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" -
this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult.
4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as
good guys.
5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that
you have complied with the first law before attempting this.
6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football".
What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you aware of a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with, get the girls to help
you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will eventually be
allowed to
play Rugby, which is similar to American "football", but doesnot involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies.
7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde.
The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky
- the Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new
national holiday.
9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; its for your own good.
When we show you German cars you'll understand.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
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