I like the essay content, although the grammar could do with a little work to make the whole thing not only read better, but also put the anticipation in the right places. You'll then find it's far more exciting to read and not so 'all in one breath'. I'm not too sure about putting inverted commas around Angel's name - the use of inverted commas in this context is to emphasise a word or phrase, which takes the emphasis away from the sentances that need it.
In a nutshell, you don't need to change a single word of what you have written, you just need to read it through as if you were speaking it, taking notice of where you would naturally pause for breath, where you would raise your voice, or quicken your pace.
Er, I presume you did mean you wanted constructive criticism? Not just heaps of praise?
