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Chris · 24 Jul 2003, 23:05

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked fora-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

(With apologies to Mr Peter Kay!!)

24 Jul 2003, 23:05	#107
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked fora-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. said "Are you two an item?". So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" Dyslexic man walks into a bra. A seal walks into a club... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." (With apologies to Mr Peter Kay!!)