Jokes

[needmoremeat]

A successful businessman was to give a speech at his old school. He had all the ingredients of a rousing speech about succeeding in life, but lacked a punchline. As he approached the hall, he saw written on the doors "Push" and thought "That's it! Push!" He duly delivered a wonderful lecture and concluded "What you need to succeed in life is written on the doors of this hall." Everyone turned to look and read the word "Pull".

[Diane]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2! , you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My! dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Diane]

As a trucker stops for a red light a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Bill, it's winter in MICHIGAN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."

[rick]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[rick]

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

[KebLou]

> >A husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Southampton. After
> >hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop
> >for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel in Southampton and take a room, but
> >they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
> >
> >When they check out four hours later to get on the Isle of White ferry, the
> >receptionist hands them a bill for £350. The man explodes and demands to
> >know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it's a
> >nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £350. When the receptionist
> >tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the
> >Manager.
> >
> >The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
> >has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available
> >for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man
> >complains.
> >"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on
> >to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
> >famous. "The best entertainers from England, Ireland and the U.S.A.
> >perform here," the Manager says.
> >
> >"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
> >
> >"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies
> >
> >No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
> >didn't use it!"
> >
> >The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
> >pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
> >
> >The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says,
> >"This cheque is only made out for £100."
> >"That's right," says the man. "I charged you £250 for sleeping with my
> >wife."
> >"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
> >"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."

[KebLou]

> Secret Code
>
> After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
> himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
> him know he was still in the game.
>
> Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
> message:
>
> 370HSSV-0773H
>
> Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
> no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the
> FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
> NASA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
> for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
>
> "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[KebLou]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The
flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that
she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm
blonde,
I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde sitting in First Class
that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The
co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she
only
paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she
will
have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies,
"I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying
right

here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that
he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest
this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot
says,
"You
say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I
speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat
in
the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are
amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The
Pilot
replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne

[Chris]

An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one last great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled heap. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife........

"F*** off" She said, "They're for the funeral"

[Hypnobabe]

A man was out travelling one day when he was caught in a storm. Knocking on the door of the nearest house, he asked for shelter from the old Italian man and his beautiful young daughter who lived there. The man agreed and showed him to a bedroom, but made the provision that the traveller was not to have any contact with the Italian's daughter, or steps would be taken...

Well, being a man, around midnight the traveller made his way into the daughter's bedroom, and proceeded to make love to her. In the morning he awoke, back in his own room, to see a large rock on the end of the bed. He picked it up, and threw it out of the window, when he suddenly noticed a note on the windowsill, which read "I know what you did - Mafia torture I - Left testicle tied to rock." He thought quickly and jumped out of the window, after the rock.

As he sailed through the window, he noticed another note, and grabbed it, only to read, "Mafia torture II - Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Ageing Bat]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:



* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs

* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,

"You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked

at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about

her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital

status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



the Drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Chris]

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd got a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[L96]

A lion, a bear, and a chicken meet up, and try to outdo each other in a bragging contest.

The bear says "When I roar in the forest, the whole forest freezes in fear."

The lion says "When I roar in the desert, the entire desert trembles with terror."

The chicken says "That's nothing. All I have to do is cough and everyone shits themselves".

[dottie]

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers?

A jelly fish - don't all groan at once

[Chris]

I went to the library today and found a trouser leg on the shelves.
I said "thats a turn up for the books".

========================

My mother rang earlier and said she was in a hole full of water.
I know she means well!

[Ageing Bat]

This is even funnier if you are old enough to remember seeing "Who's on first" by Abbott and Costello. Enjoy!!!


Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1."

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)................


COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

[Chris]

This afternoon I got banned from B & Q.

I walked in and some idiot in an orange apron asked if i wanted decking.
So i got the first punch in!

[Benny]

[L96]

A teddy bear went for a job at the local council.

As the foreman did not want to upset him,
he gave him a pick & shovel and told him to
go around town and fill all the pot holes on the roads.

After about three hours the teddy decided to have
a break, and went to have a cup of tea.

When he got back he found that someone had
stolen his pick!

Very upset and dissapointed, he went back to the
foreman to tell him what had happened.

When he told the foreman what had happened,
the foreman said " oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you,
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked!"

[Hypnobabe]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[Hypnobabe]

Hope Fire Ball appreciates this one...

A Texan is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Hypnobabe]

One for the girls...

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

[R.]

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you.... but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 min. the boyfriend calls and asks what happened ...

She said, "The ******* used coins"

Moral of the Story - Management Lesson:
"Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed."

[RadioMaster]

Some weeks ago, a friend told me a very very vicious joke.

What is worse than five babies in a dustbin?


















One Baby in five dustbins!

[Ross]

That is sick stuff