Jokes

[L96]

45 Fun things to do in Final Exams (when you know you're going to fail anyway)


1. Roll up your coat to form a pillow and pretend to fall asleep until the last 20minutes of the exam. Then wake up, do some gibberish work and hand it in a few minutes early.

2. Make paper airplanes out of the exam paper.

3. When you have finished your paper, start marking it in red ink.

4. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

5. Bring cheerleaders and supporters.

6. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?

7. Bring a CD Player or Game Boy. Play the device with the volume at max level.

8. on the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

9. Bring a pet.

10. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

11. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

12. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

13. Come down with a severe case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

14. Do the entire exam in another language, e.g. Klingon. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

15. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

16. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

17. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

18. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

19. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.

20. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

21. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

22. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Feck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

23. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

24. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

25. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

26. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

27. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

28. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

29. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!"

30. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

31. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

32. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

33. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

34. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

35. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

36. Bring cheat sheets to another class (make sure this is obvious... like business notes for a math exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

37. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

38. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

39. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

40. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

41. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

42. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

43. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

44. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

45. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".


And before any wise-arse asks, yes numbers 2, 3, 4, 10, 15, 16, 18, 22, 24, 27, 30, 31, 32, 41, 44

[mjbo]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the sh*t is running down my back!"

[mjbo]

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

[The Flying Mouse]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being , anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific

Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to
the end of his tether..........
.
.
.
......(.keep going - it's worth waiting for........)

.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.

Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[The Flying Mouse]

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she Started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just be sure" said Paul.



So he sat down and wrote:



DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN,BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL



Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:



DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM



Lesson of the day:-

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

[Lord Kagan]

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

[Lord Kagan]

cant beat the sexist jokes

[mjbo]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied.

[mjbo]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"

[Lord Kagan]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."

[Ageing Bat]

A fly was flying past a farm when he sees a bull in the field. Spotting a fresh steaming pile of poo, the fly realises he is hungry and decides to feed.

He eats and eats and eats till he can eat no more.

He flaps his little wings and tries to take off, buzzz, but he's so full he only lifts an inch off the ground, he tries again BUZZZ, but still can't take off.

He thinks for a minute and then sees a rake leaning against the wall and makes his way over to it. He climbs and climbs, looking up he sees he has a long way still to climb.

After an hour of climbing he reaches the very top of the rake handle.
He launches himself in to space WHEEEEeeee, SPLAT!

The fly hits the ground and dies.




The morale of this tale: Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of bullshit

[L96]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her
into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls
her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where
he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the
sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the
$99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent
floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current,
she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

Grooooan

[dottie]

> > FEMALE POEM
> >
> > I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
> > One who loves to listen all day long,
> > One who thinks before he speaks,
> > One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
> > I want him to be gainfully employed,
> > And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
> > Massages my back and begs to do more.
> > Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
> > And knows what to answer to how big is my behind"
> > I want this man to love me with no end,
> > And forever be my very best friend.
> >
> > MALE POEM
> >
> > I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
> > Who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
> > I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s..t
> >

[Hypnobabe]

A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good-looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
He says 'Magic Bitter'.

She thinks that he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the bar for a bit.

After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, 'That isn't really 'Magic Bitter', is it?'
He says, 'Yes I'll show you.'

So he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out of the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him. 'I bet you can't do that again.'

So he takes another gulp of the bitter, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a 'Magic Bitter'.

So the bloke says to the bartender, 'Give her a pint of what I am drinking'.

She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out of the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.








The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, 'Superman, you're a real w@nker when you're p*$$ed’.

[RadioMaster]

A friend told it to me in school today, it is sooooooo stupid but somehow we all laughed, maybe it was a matter of the situation, but, what the hell:

A bitten apple with a half worm inside!!!

[mjbo]

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell!

[AndyK]

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.”Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? Is it: a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

“Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a
friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win a £1million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won a £1million!"

Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham





























"... but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[Hypnobabe]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends

£15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The
woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling
really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down

the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm
50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an
old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her
breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and
amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The
old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

[rick]

woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,the more excited she gets,and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says....







"Blow Job Revenge"

[hayley]

[Mick Loaf]

Not sure if this counts but it made me laugh.

[Rockette]

[L96]

A dyslexic walks into a bank and pulls a gun on the customers.

"Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fcuk up"

[Rockette]

[mszee]

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"