Women Rule

[MBrevard]

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company."

"Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent and gracious--she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."

"Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?"

"An arm and a leg," answered God.

"That's pretty steep," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"



Love,
MB
xxx

[R.]

[original sin]

If Men Could Have Babies!!!!

[Asha]

Hahaha, Nice one Sin.....

[dottie]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself ........
"I don't think so!!"

[MBrevard]

Thanks, Dottie! Needed that one today!!!

Love,
MB
xxx

[Wild_Honey]

50 GOOD REASONS TO BE A WOMAN

1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt.
20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You've never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don't make you feel uncomfortable.
45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don't have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

[Wild_Honey]

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD....


Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (AMEN!!!)

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

[Wild_Honey]

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN’T WORK

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean it up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

[Wild_Honey]

The Last 10 Things a Man Would Ever Say

10. That Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think big butts are really sexy.
7. Her breasts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" is really hot.
4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping -- and I can hold your purse!
2. Forget "Monday Night Football," let's watch "Ally McBeal."
1. I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

[Rob The Badger]

Not to sound pathetic but I've said "Sometimes I just want to be held" on a number of occasions. If only we could all just get along.

[original sin]

awwwwww Eyeore bless!!! you are lovely!!!

Btw whats happened to your avatar all i've seen for a few days is a red x??

[Wild_Honey]

Hey, everything that's posted under this headline it surely not meant to be personally insulting!!!

[The Flying Mouse]

Originally Posted by Wild_Honey

Hey, everything that's posted under this headline it surely not meant to be personally insulting!!!

Have I missed something?

[Wild_Honey]

Just that it seems to me that some might feel personally offended or something when they read the stuff that's posted on "Women Rule"; I don't know.

[R.]

Mach Dir mal keine Gedanken ...

[original sin]

Originally Posted by R.

Mach Dir mal keine Gedanken ...

..................and?....................

[Wild_Honey]

Hey R., ENGLISH please!!!! But yes, you're right.

[Rob The Badger]

Hello everyone! Haven't seen me in a while have ya?
Well anyway I covered the topic of this thread being insulting a while back. . . Though I admit I could've been a bit more tactful.
As for my avatar I'm not sure. I'm still looking into it.

Communication Between the Sexes

***Women's English***
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something you're really not going to like.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? (Too late, you're dead)
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

*** Men's English ***
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal over this
What's wrong?= I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

----------------
The Differences

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

--------------------
TOP 10 FEMALE REJECTION LINES

10. I think of you as a brother.
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance."

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
I don't want to do my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in "that" way.
You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend
I prefer my male cat and a half-gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work.
I wouldn't date you if you were in the same "solar system", much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me.
It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate.
I've sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let's be friends.
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.

TOP 10 MALE REJECTION LINES

10. I think of you as a sister.
You're ugly.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
You're ugly.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
You're ugly.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
You're ugly.

6. I've got a girlfriend.
You're ugly.

5. I don't date women where I work.
You're ugly.

4. It's not you, it's me.
You're ugly.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
You're ugly.

2. I'm celibate.
You're ugly.

1. Let's be friends.
You're sinfully ugly.

---------------------

Guys... You Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive ~~~~~~~.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defence.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

[Wild_Honey]

[Testify]

hehehehehehehe..............

[Wild_Honey]

Might be a bit odd to post something here AGAINST women, being one myself, but geez, I think it is just for the fun of it!



How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note: Must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.


8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes or until red.

9. Wash entire rest of the body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off.)

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn shower off.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15.Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

[Rob The Badger]

It's true you know. . .
Maybe that's not bad. Maybe that's just showing how women like to be a little more high maintainence. If you get my meaning.

[Tim]

Only the title of this topic.... well, had to react:


NOT!!!

[Testify]

that really swung it your way!! :P