Jokes

[Diane]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb. 'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight ba *stard?!'

[duke knooby]

copied from "the sun" sent in by marc kantor..

I was driving to work yesterday, when I didn't notice the car in front, and ended up going into the back of it.
I went to speak to the driver and a dwarf got out.
I said to him "you alright mate?"
"I'm not happy," he said
"which one are you then?" I asked.

[mjbo]

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways.
He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him:

"What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy,
"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

[SteinLoaf]

blame my son for this -

What d'ya get if you cross a darlek with a dog?

A really p*ssed off postman!!!

10-yr-old humor at it's finest hehehhee

[Hypnobabe]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple now everyone is happy

[mjbo]

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies' room. "Apparently," he says, "the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you're sucked into the mirror and never heard from again."

So the redhead goes to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this bar." A million dollars suddenly appears before her.

Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, "I think I'm the smartest woman in this bar." The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.

Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, "I think…" And she's sucked in and never heard from again.

[The Flying Mouse]

Guy - Would you sleep with me for a million pound?

Girl - Sure, a million pounds is a lot of money.

Guy - Would you sleep with me for five pounds?

Girl - What?
Sleep with you for five pounds?
That's nothing.
What do you think I am?

Guy - I believe we've established what you are, we are merely trying to fix the price

[sexyeyes_jo]

If your husband is running around
the garden screaming and covered
in blood don't panic! stay calm......... simply
reload, aim and shoot the b*stard again

[R.]

How do you get 50 fat cows in to a shed?

Write 'BINGO' on the door.

[mszee]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'

[sexyeyes_jo]

3 men lie dead in a morgue,
A frenchman
A scotsman
and an irshman
all with smiles on their faces.
Coroner asks "why are they smiling?"
porter says
1st was a frenchman who died f*cking his mistress.
2nd was a scotsman.He won the lotto and spent it
all on whiskey. He died p*ssed and happy.
3rd was a paddy. He was struck by lighting!"
"Thats not good, whys he smiling?"
says the coroner.
"He thought he was
having his picture taken

[Battybarb]

Jo you keep nicking my jokes

[MeatGrl1]

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing !





Naff I know, so sue me !!!

[Benny]

Emma that was poor!
But I won't sue

[mjbo]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."

After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"

[mjbo]

A Frenchman( or an Irishman Living in France), an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe.
As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.

The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman?? Says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

[mjbo]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[mszee]

RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam .

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :
• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America .
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
• With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
• I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
• In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
• I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
• My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
• I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
• I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
• My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
• I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
• I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
• I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
• I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
• I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
• I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
• I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
• I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
• I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
• I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
• I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

[sexyeyes_jo]

....newsflash....Cheif
inspector Michael Todd
has today been found
dead at the bottom of a cliff
in snowdonia............
Finally proof that pigs
can't fly

[duke knooby]

just seen an advert for...... celine dion... sensational

[mszee]

Originally Posted by duke knooby

just seen an advert for...... celine dion... sensational

You're a poster child for not drinking and posting...

[The Flying Mouse]

And This from our political editor.

[Battybarb]

Jo you keep nicking my jokes.................................

[duke knooby]

Originally Posted by The Flying Mouse

And This from our political editor.

irish spring bodywash??? in america?? wtf?????

(sorry, got drawn to the advert at the bottom)

[mszee]

Originally Posted by duke knooby

irish spring bodywash??? in america?? wtf?????

(sorry, got drawn to the advert at the bottom)

Body wash AND soap...smells good but can remove your skin while washing...harsh...