Jokes

[The Flying Mouse]

[mszee]

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.



Employer's response:

Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.

[~Helen~]

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, Find the owner, Apologize,
And see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
Its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"
Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, Sir. We're sorry about that," The husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm A Genie,
And I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, But if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last One for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," Said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, Healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country In the world," She said.
Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe
From fire, Burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," The couple asked in unison,
"What's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, Since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
Woman in more than a thousand years, My wish is to have sex with your Wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, And all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
You're right. Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind, But what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," Said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
The afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, The genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still
Believe in genies?!!"

[daveake]

A young boy falls out of a tree, breaking both arms, one leg and ends up in a coma. After four months his parents are sitting at his bedside when the consultant comes in looking very serious. He takes them aside and says "I'm afraid to have to tell you that you should prepare yourself for the worse". The mother collapses in tears and sobs "Oh God, no!! Don't tell me Westlife have offered to sing him a song!!".

[The Flying Mouse]

A couple are settled in one night when an escaped criminal bursts into their home.
After overpowering them both, he ties them tightly to a pair of chairs.

After stalking round the house to make sure all exits are blocked he goes and speaks quietly in the womans ear.She then whispers back to him.
The criminal strides off in the direction of the bathroom.

The husband says.........

"Jane, we don't have much time so just listen.This guy means business.He's been locked up in jail for god knows how long and probably hasn't even SEEN a woman in years.
Now, he's probably going to want to have sex with you.
If you resist he'll most likely slit my throat, kill you, and escape to find some other poor victim, so please, for us, let him have his way with you.
Be strong hunni, I love you".


To which she replies.........

"actually Brian, when he whispered in my ear he told me that he's been in solitary confinement for the past 12 years as he can't be integrated with the other prisoners because of his mania for homosexual rape.
He then told me he REALLY fancies you and asked if there was any baby oil in the house, I told him in the bathroom, first cupboard on the left, middle shelf, he's gone to get it now.
Be strong hunni, I love you very much too".

[mszee]

Heroic Firefighters

A massive fire broke out when a diesel truck flipped over and exploded. The firecrew was called and everyone waited anxiously because there wasn't much money put into the firefighting program and most of the fighters were green.

Everyone was surprised to see the fire engine hauling ass, blowing past everyone, and driving straight through the flames. The truck stopped on the other side of the scene and extinguished the fire.

The story made headlines with "Heroic Firefighters" and the governer came and said that he would award money to their station. "What are you planning to do with the money?" he asked.


One of the firefighters shook his head and said, "Well, first things first so we'll fix those damn brakes!"

[The Flying Mouse]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

[Cathie]

Yuck

[Monstro]

Jeez, for Mousey that was quite funny lol

[mszee]

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

[duke knooby]

last week my friend swallowed an extractor fan.

he'll be ok, but it took alot out of him

[allrevvedup]

Originally Posted by duke knooby

last week my friend swallowed an extractor fan.

he'll be ok, but it took alot out of him

Tumbleweed anyone?

[JanT]

Originally Posted by The Flying Mouse

... But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

ROFLMAO

[duke knooby]

scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point contain intelligent dna............


unfortunately, 95% of them will spit it out!!!!

[allrevvedup]

that is terrible...but funny!

[daveake]

A blonde and a brunette are in a lift, next to a bloke who clearly has dandruff problems. Bloke leaves, then the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Someone should give that guy Head 'n' Shoulders". Blonde ponders for a moment then says "OK, but how do you give 'shoulders'?".

Dave

[duke knooby]

whats worse than a bull in a china shop????



a hedgehog in a condom factory

[duke knooby]

whats the most stupid animal in the jungle???????







a polar bear!!

[duke knooby]

whats long and hard and makes women groan????



an ironing board

[samurai7]

Originally Posted by daveake

A blonde and a brunette are in a lift, next to a bloke who clearly has dandruff problems. Bloke leaves, then the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Someone should give that guy Head 'n' Shoulders". Blonde ponders for a moment then says "OK, but how do you give 'shoulders'?".

Dave

someone should open a massage parlour called Head and Shoulders.

[mszee]

Wal Mart Applicant revealed...
Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old ~~~~~~~)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

[mszee]

MARKET TERMINOLOGY
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS From Bubba Barnsfarter - CBO*


CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


*Chief Bullshit Officer.... Every company has at least one, Government has many.

[Monstro]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'


'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't
know..


After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.'

[mszee]

[mszee]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' I'll have the same,'
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. That will be £9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,'
says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £24.60.'
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket everytime?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'