Jokes

[mszee]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.

The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?".

The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[mszee]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.

The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?".

The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[mjbo]

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says 'Certainly sir.
Would you like to enter our competition?'

The punter asks, 'What competition is that ?'

The barman explains that above his head are joints of beef, and that if he can jump up and hold onto one for 5 minutes he gets free beer all night long.

The bloke asks 'What if I can't hold onto one?', and the barman replies
'Then you have to buy beer for everyone else all night long.'

The punter shakes his head and says , 'No thanks mate, the steaks are
too high..............'

[mszee]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

[Hypnobabe]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young thing at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend..."

[Hypnobabe]

Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so
badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the
whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'

He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his
eyes are bloodshot.

His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look Awful!' He says,
'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and Watched him all night, I
couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer;
a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and Bushy-tailed.

'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'

Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and Tucked Daryl into
bed and kissed him good night............................

Then he sat up and watched me."

[dant796]

Great Classifieds

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little ~~~~~~~. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $!00.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $50 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[Hypnobabe]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave, and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied: 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening, and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ...............






You'll like this














NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Hypnobabe]

It is often disputed that a dog is in fact man's best friend. Here's the proof.

Put your wife and your dog in the boot of your car and drive round for an hour.

Open the boot.

Which one is most pleased to see you?

[daveake]

Al Fayed wants to sign Ronaldo for Fulham.

Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in tunnels....

[The Flying Mouse]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

[The Flying Mouse]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

[The Flying Mouse]

An old man sends his son, who is in prison, a letter.

How are you?
I'm afraid i'm not too good myself.
This cold weather is playing merry hell with my artheritis, and my back is killing me.
I really wanted to replant my vegetable patch at my old alotment this year, but i'm afraid i'm just not up to it.

I just wish you were here as I know my troubles would all be over because you'd dig it for me.

I love you son.
Dad.

Charlie promptly sent a letter home to his old man.

Whatever you do, DON'T dig up that alotment.
It's where I buried those bodies and the cash haul from that armed robbery.

I'll get rid of them once I get out of here.
I love you dad.
Charlie.

The next day armed police swoop down on the old mans house.
The old man is bundled away to his alotment, and waits while the police dig up every inch off the ground looking for bodies and cash.

After a couple of hours digging without a single body or pound coin bering found, the disgusted inspector calls of the search and the police leave.


The next day the old man gets another letter.

Sorry I couldn't be there to help, but I sent some blokes over to give you a hand.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Go head and plant your veg now.
Love you dad.
Charlie

[mszee]

Husband Wife Humor





My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.....



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife as ked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Saturday morning I got up earl y, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.....

[daveake]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[The Flying Mouse]

I was passing a news stand the other day and saw the headline........

GAZA
IN
CRISIS

I thought, he's not run out of vodka AGAIN has he?

Hey, easy mistake to make


I'd always assumed the Gaza strip was something to do with a Newcastle United shirt.

[mszee]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,The church organist,was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her
and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed
a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him
and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?',
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[daveake]

News just in is that the engine failure that led to the airbus crash in the Hudson river was actually a terrorist action. Here are a couple of operatives quickly leaving the scene ...



Dave

[daveake]

How To Understand Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Monstro]

Bloke goes to the Dr's because everytime he masturbates he sings "you'll never walk alone", Dr told him not to worry, apparently loads of w****** sing that

[daveake]

And in other news ...

[The Flying Mouse]

Originally Posted by Monstro

Bloke goes to the Dr's because everytime he masturbates he sings "you'll never walk alone", Dr told him not to worry, apparently loads of w****** sing that

The body of a young man was dragged from the river Tyne yesterday.
He was wearing a pair of high heels, a pair of stockings complete with sussies, glitter make up, and a Newcastle United shirt.He also had a dildo up his ass.


Police removed the football shirt to spare his family any embarrasment.

[Monstro]

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years".

He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.

"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"

"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!

[The Flying Mouse]

Why has there never been any mention of Newcastle United in Star Trek?


Star Trek is set in the future


It's fun not being a footy fan

[daveake]

http://www.acapela.tv/good-old-times-bc491e520fbd1.html