Jokes - Page 37

daveake · 31 May 2009, 15:33

A Yorkshire man wins the lottery,he gets all the usual big house,fast car stuff,he decides to get a gold statue made of his beloved dog,off he goes to the goldsmiths
"i'd like a gold statue o mi dog"
"18 carat,sir?"
"no, chewin' a bone ya daft sod"

Wario · 31 May 2009, 16:31

what do you call a potato with a large penis?
A Dictator

daveake · 04 Jun 2009, 13:57

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

daveake · 05 Jun 2009, 00:53

A Welshman is admiring his Kiwi friend's sheep.

'Got him well trained', says the Kiwi proudly, 'watch this'. He goes up to the sheep, smacks it on the head and the sheep promptly gives him a blowjob. 'And to stop', said the Kiwi, 'I just smack him on the head again'.

'That's fantastic' said the Welshman.

The Kiwi winked and said 'Here, why don't you have a go'?

'Brilliant' said the Welshman, 'just don't hit me too hard on the head'

daveake · 06 Jun 2009, 19:49

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I Tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, saying "we need to talk" I tried to get him to engage with me but he just switched on the TV,and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know where I stand and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

England lost in the football.
Got a shag though.

daveake · 10 Jun 2009, 13:51

daveake · 12 Jun 2009, 15:25

daveake · 17 Jun 2009, 15:36

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

duke knooby · 18 Jun 2009, 20:52

2 cannibals eating a clown for tea
one turns to the other and says...

does this taste funny to you??

daveake · 24 Jun 2009, 12:06

MeatGrl1 · 28 Jun 2009, 19:24

Two men walked past Beethoven's grave and heard some music coming from his grave and so they stopped and listened and heard the 9th Symphony played backwards, then the 8th, the first man asked the second, 'What's that ?' and the second man replied; 'That's Beethoven decomposing!'

daveake · 05 Jul 2009, 16:07

AndrewG · 05 Jul 2009, 16:36

Lol that is hilarious.

daveake · 06 Jul 2009, 15:56

daveake · 08 Jul 2009, 13:23

daveake · 10 Jul 2009, 18:08

**allrevvedup** · 10 Jul 2009, 21:07

oh i can see that getting some interesting responses.

mszee · 10 Jul 2009, 21:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by allrevvedup

oh i can see that getting some interesting responses.

Yep...he is definitely going to hell for THAT...

daveake · 10 Jul 2009, 21:17

I'm going there anyway, might as well have some fun till then ...

daveake · 28 Jul 2009, 10:36

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell
hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do
his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

*AndyK* · 27 Aug 2009, 14:12

The last 10p

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face ... The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ... The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

*AndyK* · 28 Aug 2009, 10:23

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it..

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

*AndyK* · 28 Aug 2009, 14:08

The mother of Caster Semenya, women's 800m world champion, has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.

She said 'This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

daveake · 28 Aug 2009, 14:55

Did you know that "Caster Semenya" is an anagram of "Yes, A Secret Man"?

*AndyK* · 03 Sep 2009, 13:36

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are Freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to ~~~~ the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of ~~~~ing one?

05 Jul 2009, 16:07	#912
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	What Else To Do In Space?

31 May 2009, 15:33	#901
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	A Yorkshire man wins the lottery,he gets all the usual big house,fast car stuff,he decides to get a gold statue made of his beloved dog,off he goes to the goldsmiths "i'd like a gold statue o mi dog" "18 carat,sir?" "no, chewin' a bone ya daft sod"

31 May 2009, 16:31	#902
Wario Monstro helps me spell things... Join Date: 05.01.2007 Location: Masculine, Pennsylvania Posts: 9,105	what do you call a potato with a large penis? A Dictator

04 Jun 2009, 13:57	#903
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"? "Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

05 Jun 2009, 00:53	#904
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	A Welshman is admiring his Kiwi friend's sheep. 'Got him well trained', says the Kiwi proudly, 'watch this'. He goes up to the sheep, smacks it on the head and the sheep promptly gives him a blowjob. 'And to stop', said the Kiwi, 'I just smack him on the head again'. 'That's fantastic' said the Welshman. The Kiwi winked and said 'Here, why don't you have a go'? 'Brilliant' said the Welshman, 'just don't hit me too hard on the head'

06 Jun 2009, 19:49	#905
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	HER SIDE OF THE STORY He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I Tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, saying "we need to talk" I tried to get him to engage with me but he just switched on the TV,and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know where I stand and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster. HIS SIDE OF THE STORY England lost in the football. Got a shag though.

10 Jun 2009, 13:51	#906
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

12 Jun 2009, 15:25	#907
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

17 Jun 2009, 15:36	#908
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER : $2.00 HAMBURGER : $2.25 CHEESEBURGER : $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB : $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

18 Jun 2009, 20:52	#909
duke knooby Mega Loafer Join Date: 24.06.2005 Location: belfast Posts: 17,884	2 cannibals eating a clown for tea one turns to the other and says... does this taste funny to you??

24 Jun 2009, 12:06	#910
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

28 Jun 2009, 19:24	#911
MeatGrl1 No Day But Today Join Date: 29.05.2006 Location: Sitting on the steps outside looking so restless and reckless and lost! Posts: 9,089	Two men walked past Beethoven's grave and heard some music coming from his grave and so they stopped and listened and heard the 9th Symphony played backwards, then the 8th, the first man asked the second, 'What's that ?' and the second man replied; 'That's Beethoven decomposing!'

05 Jul 2009, 16:36	#913
AndrewG I hope your salmon sucks! Join Date: 18.01.2004 Location: Northamptonshire Posts: 7,077	Lol that is hilarious.

06 Jul 2009, 15:56	#914
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

08 Jul 2009, 13:23	#915
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

10 Jul 2009, 18:08	#916
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983

10 Jul 2009, 21:07	#917
allrevvedup "Most things that i worry about, never happen anyway" Join Date: 29.11.2003 Location: Liverpool Posts: 5,351	oh i can see that getting some interesting responses.

10 Jul 2009, 21:17	#919
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	I'm going there anyway, might as well have some fun till then ...

28 Jul 2009, 10:36	#920
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result. The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

27 Aug 2009, 14:12	#921
AndyK Relentless Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Over the top..... seeing what's on the other side Posts: 18,694	The last 10p A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face ... The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back ... The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly ... After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" 'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

28 Aug 2009, 10:23	#922
AndyK Relentless Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Over the top..... seeing what's on the other side Posts: 18,694	After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

28 Aug 2009, 14:08	#923
AndyK Relentless Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Over the top..... seeing what's on the other side Posts: 18,694	The mother of Caster Semenya, women's 800m world champion, has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test. She said 'This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

28 Aug 2009, 14:55	#924
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	Did you know that "Caster Semenya" is an anagram of "Yes, A Secret Man"?

03 Sep 2009, 13:36	#925
AndyK Relentless Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Over the top..... seeing what's on the other side Posts: 18,694	Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?' Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are Freezing.' Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed . He says 'your dad's sent me up here to ~~~~ the both of you '. They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.' Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?' Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of ~~~~ing one?