Jokes - Page 39

**Monstro** · 07 Mar 2011, 15:58

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. However he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered her tender touch for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

"Feels great", he replied "....but I still think my thumb's broken!"

duke knooby · 08 Mar 2011, 16:45

Subject: FW: I LOVE NJ

August 15 - Moved to our new home in Jersey . It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here!

October 14 - Jersey is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!

November 10 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season.
Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the ~~~~? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again.
What a beautiful place. I Love Jersey !

December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway. Can't get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. ~~~~ing snowplow.

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole.

December 25 - Merry ~~~~ing Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the ~~~~~~~. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ~~~~ing ice.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. ~~~~ing gloves got wet and then froze on my hands.

Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 - The ~~~~ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer.

The plow got stuck up the road and the ~~~~~~~ came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his ~~~~ing head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. ~~~~ing beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the ~~~~ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Sarasota Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of New Jersey .

Didn't even mention taxes!

BostonAngel · 08 Mar 2011, 19:52

I have read that one b4 Duke. It always makes me laugh. Only the versions I have seen use my wonderful home state of Massachusetts or some other New Enlgand state instead of New Jersey.
From Maine to Pennsylvania we all have to deal with pretty much the same crappy winter weather. At times, I have thought of moving to Florida or somewhere warmer.
Then I think about having to deal with a hurricane. It's always something

duke knooby · 10 Mar 2011, 15:00

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant
said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The
Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are.'

mjbo · 14 May 2011, 19:21

A Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife. "This is Three Horses" he said.

"Thats a beautiful name," I said "what does it mean?"

He replied "Nag, Nag, Nag."

**Monstro** · 01 Nov 2011, 21:43

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple
who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the
car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Guy · 22 Nov 2011, 22:48

What do we want,
A cure for Tourettes,
When do we want it,
F**K Off.

duke knooby · 18 Jan 2012, 00:19

just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the mediterranean.

last weeks was a rollover

samurai7 · 18 Jan 2012, 14:03

Watching the news about the stricken cruise liner and the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with with a gash the size of a tennis court".......I just happened to glance at the missus and now its all kicked off!!

**The Flying Mouse** · 04 Feb 2012, 00:43

Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the mother~~~~in' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy mother~~~~er.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother~~~~in' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the ~~~~ we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Mother~~~~er.

5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to ~~~~ him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Ass Mother ~~~~er.'

**Monstro** · 12 Feb 2012, 15:34

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions, should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a scarf hat & gloves), 24 hour supply of food & drink, de-icer,rock salt, torch ( with batteries ), safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, 1st aid kit and jump leads.

I looked a right bloody idiot on the bus this morning.......................

daveake · 12 Feb 2012, 16:02

Gary Glitter has applied to be the next England manager as he's heard that some of the players are Young and Bent.

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Thread continued here

F.M.
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14 May 2011, 19:21	#955
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Meet the wife ..... A Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife. "This is Three Horses" he said. "Thats a beautiful name," I said "what does it mean?" He replied "Nag, Nag, Nag."

12 Feb 2012, 16:02	#962
daveake 200% is the new 110% Join Date: 13.03.2005 Location: Newbury Posts: 2,983	Gary Glitter has applied to be the next England manager as he's heard that some of the players are Young and Bent. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thread continued here F.M. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last edited by The Flying Mouse; 30 Mar 2013 at 04:50. Reason: link to new thread

07 Mar 2011, 15:58	#951
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,947	Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. However he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered her tender touch for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? "Feels great", he replied "....but I still think my thumb's broken!"

08 Mar 2011, 16:45	#952
duke knooby Mega Loafer Join Date: 24.06.2005 Location: belfast Posts: 17,888	Subject: FW: I LOVE NJ August 15 - Moved to our new home in Jersey . It's so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I'm going to love it here! October 14 - Jersey is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!! November 10 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air. November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more exercise. November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again. November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves. November 30 - What the ~~~~? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring. December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I Love Jersey ! December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here. December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway. Can't get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. ~~~~ing snowplow. December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole. December 25 - Merry ~~~~ing Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the ~~~~~~~. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ~~~~ing ice. December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. ~~~~ing gloves got wet and then froze on my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? December 28 - The ~~~~ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer. The plow got stuck up the road and the ~~~~~~~ came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his ~~~~ing head. January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. ~~~~ing beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the ~~~~ing salt they put all over the roads. May 10 - Moved to Sarasota Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of New Jersey . Didn't even mention taxes!

08 Mar 2011, 19:52	#953
BostonAngel Super Loafer Join Date: 03.02.2009 Location: Boston, MA Posts: 822	I have read that one b4 Duke. It always makes me laugh. Only the versions I have seen use my wonderful home state of Massachusetts or some other New Enlgand state instead of New Jersey. From Maine to Pennsylvania we all have to deal with pretty much the same crappy winter weather. At times, I have thought of moving to Florida or somewhere warmer. Then I think about having to deal with a hurricane. It's always something

10 Mar 2011, 15:00	#954
duke knooby Mega Loafer Join Date: 24.06.2005 Location: belfast Posts: 17,888	A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

01 Nov 2011, 21:43	#956
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,947	Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

22 Nov 2011, 22:48	#957
Guy Super Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: A small village in west sussex Posts: 865	What do we want, A cure for Tourettes, When do we want it, F**K Off.

18 Jan 2012, 00:19	#958
duke knooby Mega Loafer Join Date: 24.06.2005 Location: belfast Posts: 17,888	just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the mediterranean. last weeks was a rollover

18 Jan 2012, 14:03	#959
samurai7 Rock Star Join Date: 09.05.2005 Location: The future... Posts: 2,928	Watching the news about the stricken cruise liner and the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with with a gash the size of a tennis court".......I just happened to glance at the missus and now its all kicked off!!

04 Feb 2012, 00:43	#960
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel 10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the mother~~~~in' droids you're looking for. 9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy mother~~~~er. 8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every mother~~~~in' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes. 7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the ~~~~ we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine. 6. Feel the Force, Mother~~~~er. 5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'? 4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say! 3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie. 2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to ~~~~ him like one? 1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Ass Mother ~~~~er.'

12 Feb 2012, 15:34	#961
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,947	A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions, should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a scarf hat & gloves), 24 hour supply of food & drink, de-icer,rock salt, torch ( with batteries ), safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, 1st aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right bloody idiot on the bus this morning.......................