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Old 23 Jul 2003, 18:35   #101
Wild_Honey
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A guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger and a hotdog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, "Where's the burger?"
Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, "I was keeping it warm."

Disgusted, he says "Please cancel my hotdog..."


...Or I think I should have a go at another joke next time...
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Old 24 Jul 2003, 22:04   #102
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I cant think of any fu..ing jokes that dont involve any bloody swearing. They will just get p.....g modified to complete and total b......y!

F..k it!
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Old 24 Jul 2003, 22:06   #103
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It would seem I've found a few rude words!
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Old 24 Jul 2003, 22:14   #104
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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground Beef!
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Old 24 Jul 2003, 23:53   #105
Chris
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What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!!

============================

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?

A currant

============================

Two flies were playing football ina saucer. One said to the other, "We'll have to improve by next week. We're gonna be playing in the cup!!"

============================
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Old 24 Jul 2003, 23:56   #106
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Two cows were standing in field. One said "Baaa" the other said "What do you mena Baa, Cows say Moo."

The first one said "I'm learning a foreign language!!"
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 00:05   #107
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked fora-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


(With apologies to Mr Peter Kay!!)
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 00:06   #108
R.
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Exactly.

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Old 25 Jul 2003, 00:23   #109
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I love this thread!
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 00:28   #110
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tis a good thread!!
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 02:36   #111
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A man walked into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.

The barman said "You can't bring that in here". "Why not"? the man asked. "Because it might bite someone" said the barman.

"Well" said the man, "I'll show you how gentle he is".

With that, he opened the crocodile's mouth, put his head in its mouth and clamped the jaws together. He unclamped the jaws and his head emerged uninjured.

Still not convinced, the barman said he needed more proof, so the man unzipped his trousers, opened the crocodile's mouth and put his penis in and clamped the jaws shut. He then pulled the jaws apart, and his penis was like his head, uninjured.

Looking round the bar, he asked "Does anyone else want a go"?

A little old lady stepped forward and said "I do - but please Mister, don't clamp my jaws together like you did to that crocodile"!

Heather.
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 11:37   #112
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Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 12:03   #113
heat
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What do you call a group of women in a field of vibrators???







Squatters........
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 14:47   #114
dottie
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Squatters........[/quote] Oh Heat I love it
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Old 25 Jul 2003, 20:09   #115
heat
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After a woman gave birth to her baby, a doctor stood solemly beside her bed.

'There is something i must tell you about your baby' he said.

'What's wrong?' the alarmed mother asked.

The doctor replied, 'Your baby is a hermaphrodite'

'What's that?' said the worried mother

'It means your baby has both male and female parts' said the doctor

'Oh my god...thats WONDERFULL!!!!' said the mother 'You mean the baby has both a penis AND a brain???'
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Old 26 Jul 2003, 00:28   #116
Cathie
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Love it heat!!!!!!!
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Old 26 Jul 2003, 00:30   #117
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hehe good one
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Old 26 Jul 2003, 11:07   #118
heat
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Imagine, if all the major retailers started making thier own brand of condoms, Whilst still retaining thier normal taglines...


Sainsbury's condoms - Making life taste better

Tesco's condoms - Every little helps

Nike condoms - Just do it!!

Peugeot condoms - For the ride of your life

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC condoms - Finger licking good

M & M's condoms - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Safeway's condoms - Lightening the load

Co-op condoms - We go further, so you don't have to

Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough

Grolsh Condoms - We only let you drink it when it's ready

Worthington's condoms - It's a man thing

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing

Ever Ready Battery condoms - Keeps going and going

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it cost's less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King condoms - Home of the whopper / Have you got the urge?

Goodyear Tyres condoms - For a longer ride, go wide

Muller Light condoms - So much pleasure, where's the pain?

Flash condoms - We do all the hard work, so you don't have to

Halfords condoms - We go that extra mile

Royal Mail condom - I saw this and thought of you

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong, and very very long

Renault condoms - Because size does matter

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Domestos condoms - Get's right under the rim

Heinekin condoms - Refreshes the parts other condoms just cant reach

Carlsburg condoms - Probably the best condom in the world

Mars condoms - A mars a day helps you work, rest and play

AA condoms - The 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal

Polo Mint condoms - The condom with the hole
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Old 26 Jul 2003, 13:00   #119
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HaHaHa!

Very funny,very original Heat!

Heat2 (Heather)
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Old 26 Jul 2003, 13:39   #120
dottie
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Oh Heat Vundabar!
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Old 26 Jul 2003, 23:07   #121
Cathie
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I can just see it now...
Oh Heat u are wonderful
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Old 27 Jul 2003, 11:15   #122
heat
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These are the top 15 things that irritate dogs about humans...

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny....

3. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGING DOG, YOU IDIOT!!!

4. How you nievely believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone....ever noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt???

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyways?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it!!!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet???

8. Getting upset when i sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry i haven't mastered the art of the handshake yet.......idiot....

9. How you act disgusted when i lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Haven't you noticed the fur???

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we eat your things while you're out.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Have you any idea how off schedule that puts me???

13. Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip' then acting surprised when i freak out every time i go back.

14. The slieght of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you tard.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us???
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Old 27 Jul 2003, 14:22   #123
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hmmm maybe i should stop doin tricks with my dog she might turn on me
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Old 27 Jul 2003, 22:37   #124
Cathie
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I am never going to do a fake stick throw with my dog again.
I feel very ashamed
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Old 28 Jul 2003, 02:50   #125
meatfan
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These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and
health teachers by junior high, high school, and college
students around the world.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and
u."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill
effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artificial perspiration.""For fainting: Rub the person's
chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put
the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Heather.
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