Jokes

[Chris]

One day this woman says to her husband "You don't go to church enough. This week you're going!!"

So, come sunday morning, she sneds him off to church in his nice clean suit. later that morning, he staggers home, covered in blood witha big black eye

"What the chuff's happened to you?" asked his wife

"Well" said the chap "I was in church when we all knelt down to pray. And I notiecd that the women in fornt of me had got her skirt caught between her butt cheeks. So i leaned forward and gently pulled it out. Well, she mustn't have liked it so she turned round and punched me"

The following week, the wife put the man in his suit adn sent him off to church again. Sure enough, he returned covered in blood.

"What happened this week?" she asked

"Well, we were all knelt down again and the woman's skirt was stuck up her bum again. Now, I didn't do anything, but the chap next to me leaned forward and pulled it out. Now I remembered that last week, she didn't like that. And i didn't want the chap to get slapped like I did.

So I leaned forward and and pushed it back up....."

[heat]

The proud parents were looking fondly down at thier newborn son.

Suddenly the father exclaimed 'Wow - doesn't he have a big penis?? It's massive!!!'

'Never mind love,' said the mother, 'At least he has your eyes'....

[shadow1000001]

Cute one Heat

Here are some of life's truths:

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. If you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away with their shoes.
6. If at first you don't suceed, skydiving is not for you.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
8. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
9. We are born naked, wet and hungry, then things get worse.
10. NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
11. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

[dottie]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly l00 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago when realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong" She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "and if the dammed ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today".

[Chris]

Two for you:

An elderly couple were walking along reminscing about their first date almost 60 years before. They spotted a fence and the woman nudged her hubby and said: "Look, do you remember what we did against that fence 60 years ago?"

"Of course I do" he replied "How could I ever forget our first time. How do fancy giving it another try now?"

Well, they went up against the fence and starting to get down to it when all of a sudden the chap starting going at it like a duracell bunny adn the woman is screaming with orgasm after orgasm. Finally they collapse on the floor in a heap.

"You didn't go like that 60 years ago" said the woman

"The bloody fence wasn't electricfied 60 years ago" replied the chap



A sunday school teacher was talking to her class and asked

"Does anyone know where jesus is?"

A little girl put her hand up and said
"Please Miss, he's in Heaven"
"Correct" said the teacher "Anyone else?"
"Please miss, He's in our hearts" said a little boy
"Correct she replied "anyone else?"
"Please Miss, He's in my wardrobe"
"O, Johnny, i'm not sure about that. Why do you think he's in the wardrobe?" asked the teacher
"Well Miss, every day when my dad comes home for lunch, I can hear my mum shout "Jesus Christ my husband's home, quick, get in the wardrobe!!!!!!!"

[dottie]

The Irish and their optimism - (I'm half irish-so no offence to any others out there)

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers.
Unfortunately they've got no money and the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his head and says, "I hate Indians. Last week the b*stards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars".

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian. Later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine.Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine whre Paddy starts sawing the Indians head off.

Suddenly Mick says, "Paddy look at this....." Paddy says "in a minute".
"No look at this ...."says Mick.

"No, can't ya see I'm fookin busy....."

MIck grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "We're gonna be millionaires"

[dottie]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die. I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him, with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out inhis coffin, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said ""Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she cameover with the box and placed it in the coffin next to the body. Then the undertakers locked the coffin lid down and carried it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the coffin". she said, "Yes I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can''t lie.. I promised him that I wasgooing to put that money in the coffin and I did".
"You mean to tell me you put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did", said the wife. "I got it altogether, put it into my bank account and wrote him a cheque.

Right On!!

[Chris]

Might only be the Brits/Germans who get this!!!!

A German visiting London asked a hooker for a shag. She told him that it
was twenty quid. "Fine" he said, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agreed that
this was OK as long as he didn’t do anything violent. They got back to her
flat and he got out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you
to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he said. The
hooker, although worried that she was getting into something a bit heavy,
went along with his request. Then she was told to get down on all fours,
naked, in front of him. She did so grudgingly. Then, asking her to start
bouncing up and down on the springs, he took a duck decoy whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he told her. So then he
ground away while she bounced up and down on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly and surprisingly, she started to enjoy it, so much so that she experienced the most fantastic orgasm she'd ever had. After they'd finished she said... "Wow that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," he replied, smiling......

"Four Sprung Duck Technique".

[tukayaway]

Brilliant!

[Chris]

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put
a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates.
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[GOD]

Hope you like this one...

I created the mule, and told him 'You will be mule, working constantly from dusk till dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years,'
The mule answered 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then i created the dog, and told him 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion, and you shall eat the scraps of his table, and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded 'Lord, to live like this for 25 years is too much, Please no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
I then created the monkey, and told him 'You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much, please Lord, give me no more than 10.' And it was so.
Finally, i made Man, and told him 'You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creaturs of the world. You will dominate and live for 20 years.'
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be man for only 20 years is too little. Please Lord, give me the 30 years that the mule didn't want, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey didn't want.' And it was so.
And so, i made man to live for 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years as a mule,working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live for 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the scraps the children leave behind. Then in his old age, he is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

[bambi]

lol i like that 1 he he!

[Chris]

Two women walked into a bar. You would have thought one of the silly lasses would have seen it!!!

[bambi]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh not nice but still funny!!

[dottie]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his neweletric train in thel iving room. She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of your b......s who want off get the hell off now, 'caus this is the last stop! And all of you b......s who are getting on get your a..e in the train. Cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room andstay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later, the son came out of the nedroom andresumed playing with his train, soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say
"All passengers who aredisembarking the train, please remember to ake all of yourbelongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. " She hears the little boy continue, "For thos of you boarding we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile, the child added.

"FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE PISSED OFF ABOUT THE TWO HOUR DELAY, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR COMPLAINTS TO THE FAT BITCH IN THE KITCHEN"

[Testify]

brightened my day....heehee

[bambi]

lol soooooooo funny

[heat]

Aoccdring to a rscheerarch at Cmarbgide Uinerivsty, it deons't mettar in waht odrer the lttres in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt thing is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are at the rghit palecs.

The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can siltl raed it wouitht porlbem.

Tihs is bcaesue the hmaun mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wolhe.


Fcuknig azmanig, eh?

[bambi]

um yea!!

[Testify]

yup

[Terri]

Two policemen saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they see she's had too much to drink and they decide to drive her home. They put her into the police car and one of them gets in the back with her. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say is "Your Passionate" as she stroked his arm. They drove a while longer and asked over and over again, where she lived, each time with the same response "Your Passionate"she said stroking his arm. The policemen were getting more than a little fed up so they stopped the car and said to the woman, look we have driven you around this City for more than three hours and you still haven't told us where you live. To this she replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

[plukie]

Just read all the jokes and am still laughing...........I'll have to think of some, maybe clean them up a bit first though.

[bambi]

lol *rolls round on the floor*

[Chris]

Please, do not flame me for being racist!! I ahve just been told this by an asian shopkeeper friend of mine:

Why has Pakistan never won the world cup?

Because every time they win a corner, they stop to build a shop on it!!!

[heat]

CHRIS!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!