Jokes

[black dog]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said,

"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I said to her

"Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family
and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and
handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I
can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.

So Jill said " Exactly, and if you don't change your b****** attitude, you
never will!"

[Chris]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Gez]

Suppose like the guy who died when a car ran over his finger.

He waz picking his nose at the time

[black dog]

Jordan & Peter Andre are having sex in the jungle & they hear a noise.

Jordan says "Is that Jonny Rotten?"

Andre answers "I hope not it's the only 1 I've got."

[Skeleton]

What reads on robots gravestone?

Rust in Peace.

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,

pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There

might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches

sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the

guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away

at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[Skeleton]

[Ageing Bat]

Found this is best read with the intro from Wasted Youth 'playing in your head' - you'll see what I mean!



Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the
silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. .......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP..

BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty
hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........



The coffin stopped.

[Kitty Kat]

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable ! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an ITALIAN man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt........... one button at a time.......
No one moves.

He removes his shirt........

Muscles ripple across his chest........

She gasps..........

He whispers:
" Iron this, and get me something to eat....."

[R.]

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss."Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
"Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----

followed by my wife ----------
children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday------

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----


naked.

[black dog]

Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?



A - Absent
B - Barely Visible
C - Come in Useful
D - Damn Good
E - Enormous
F - Fantastic
FF - F***in Fake!

[Chris]

A man walked into a bar and said

"Can I have a packet of Helicopter flavoured crisps please?"

The ladnlord replied

"Sorry mate, I've only got plain!"

[Chris]

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

[RoknRollJesus]

Don't Poke Him In Church!
A couple was sitting in church. The man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"

The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"

The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"

Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"

The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

jo

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

[SueW]

I've just taken this from a Todd list:

Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to
fix its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in weapons of mass destruction
(DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google
search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE
page. Someone at Google really has a sense of humour
and will probably be fired soon!

SueW
http://www.KasimInfo.com

[Gez]

How you find that Sue ....have I said before,

What do you do if an Irishman throws a Grenade at you????

Pull the pin out and throw it back

[Emily]

what do you call a donkey with 3 legs???
WONKEY!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAA


what.....


Emily

[Modern Girl]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish;
The man said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want;
The Lord said, Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
;Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me;
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say, "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Modern Girl]

Letter to Dog From Owner
------------
Dear Dog,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each
other so there are still three dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster
than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look
at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you,

Your Owner

[KebLou]

Some jokes I found in an old joke book

News Flash
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen on the M1. The police are combing the area,

Another News Flash
A 4-foot man and a 9-foot man have just escaped from jail. the police are looking high and low for them.

A joke from a magazine:

Ali G's sister is pregnant but there are complications and she falls into a coma for nearly six months. When she wakes up she asks the docter about her baby. The Doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
She thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well what's the girls name?"
Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow thats not a bad name!"
Then she asks the doctor, "Whats the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[airhead]

Originally Posted by SueW

I've just taken this from a Todd list:

Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to
fix its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in weapons of mass destruction
(DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google
search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully. The WHOLE
page. Someone at Google really has a sense of humour
and will probably be fired soon!

SueW
http://www.KasimInfo.com

wonder what happens if you hit the bomb button?

[Caz]

Hmmmmmmmm okay ....... NO YOUNG UNS TO READ THIS ONE

What is the difference between a Penis and a Prick???

A. A penis can give you years of pleasure ...... a prick is what it's attached to

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

The Prince of Wales was visiting a hospital & was directed into the men's ward. Shaking hands with the patient in the first bed he asked him what he was in for.
"Piles" he was told
The Prince asked what the treatment was.
"Wire brush & liquid paraffin" was the reply.
"And what is your chief ambition?" asked the Prince
"To be a pilot" answered the patient

He moved to the next bed and was suprised to hear that he too was suffering from piles and was undergoing the same treatment.

He moved to the third bed and asked if he was suffering from piles.
"Laryngitis" croaked the patient
"What is the treatment for that?" asked the Prince
"The same" said the patient "wire brush & paraffin"
"And what is your chief ambition?" asked the Prince
"To get the wire brush before the other two" he was told

[Modern Girl]