Jokes

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

Mods - please feel free to merge these with other jokes - I can't find the thing

Aplogies in advance for the language - just copied off email



A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to pi** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good" said the first bat, "because I fu***ng didn't"

[airhead]

wonder if jim steinman would say that in a speech before bat III???

[Gez]

Not bad

[Caz]

The wedding reception was over, and my daughter and her new husband had left to spend the night at her apartment. I wanted to ask her about some gifts and, without thinking, called her. We chatted briefly.

A little later I discovered that the groom had forgotten his wallet. Since they were leaving on their honeymoon in the morning, I phoned again.

My son-in-law answered. Sighing deeply when he heard my voice, he said, "Now I know what people mean when they say that you won't get much sleep on your wedding night."

My contribution for today

[airhead]

(i'm an essex girl so i'm allowed to say this
Only english people and know old fashioned sayings will understand this )

Why does an essex girl always hang her leg over the side of the bath?

So that her ankle chains don't rust!

What does a girl put behind her ears to attract a man?

Her feet!

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to The store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.



WIFE V/S HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."




WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"




STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded," Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



THE BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"



COFFEE

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

[Keep Rocking]

Originally Posted by FALLEN ANGEL1000

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to The store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

[Chris]

A little boy went up to a policeman and said "can you help me, I've lost my daddy"

The policeman said "Don't worry we'll find him, what's he like?"

The little boy thought for a moment before replying "Cheap drink and fast woman"

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby
shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb
into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's
crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big
grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.




"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how
can you tell?"



















"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've
got pink socks and I've got blue ones."



SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

[R.]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• a half-gallon of 2% milk,
• a carton of eggs,
• a quart of orange juice,
• a head of romaine lettuce,
• a 2 lb. can of coffee,
• and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

















































































The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Chris]

President Bush gets out of his helicopter
in front of the White House carrying a baby
pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention,
salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

Bush replies: "These are not pigs, these
are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Vice-President Cheney, and I got one
for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention,
salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

[Ageing Bat]

While visiting England recently, George W. Bush was invited to have tea with the Queen. Given his recent political problems, he decides to take advantage of her years of leadership experience and asks her for her advice.

She responds that she surrounds herself with the most intelligent people in the country and let them do their job! Intrigued with this novel theory, Bush asks her how she is able to tell if the people are intelligent.

"I do so by asking them a test question" responds the Queen, "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen then dials 10 Downing Street and asks to speak to Tony Blair. "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer a hypothetical question for me."

"I'll do my best, Your Majesty" responds Blair.

"Your mother has a child and your father has a child" says the Queen. "The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Tony Blair hesitates momentarily and then confidently replies,

"Well, Your Majesty, I guess it would have to be me."

"Correct" says the Queen. "Thank you and good day to you Sir."

The Queen hangs up and says "Did you hear that Mr. Bush? See how clever he is."

Impressed, Bush replies "I certainly did. I'll definitely be using that one when I conduct my next Cabinet shuffle back in the US."
Upon returning to Washington, Bush decides he'd better put some of his senior Cabinet Members to the test. He summons Dick Cheney to his office and says, "Dick, I wonder if you could answer a question for me?"

"Why of course Sir" Cheney responds unenthusiastically, annoyed that the President was again seeking his input on something.

"Well, uh, let's say your mother has a child and your father too has a child. This child is not your brother and also is not your sister. Who is it?

Somewhat surprised at this odd question, Cheney hems and haws and finally asks if he can have some time to think about it.

"Certainly" responds Bush.

Cheney immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republicans and they puzzle over the question for several hours. Totally baffled, they decide to conduct some research and contact a loyal Washington consulting firm. A budget of $10 million is provided and intensive research is carried out over the next two weeks. Unfortunately, the consultants are unable to come up with an answer.

Desperate to prove that he is smarter than George, Cheney decides to take a chance and calls Al Gore.

"I realize you are just an Tennessee redneck and are not all that wise in the ways of the world, but maybe you can help me out with a problem I have.

Gore is naturally skeptical about Republican promises, but in the spirit of political co-operation he agrees to do what he can to help out.

"O.K., here goes" says Cheney. "Your mother has a child and your father has a child. The child is not your brother or your sister. Who is the child?"

Without hesitating, Gore responds "It would be me, of course."

Impressed at the his quick response, Cheney quickly brushes off Gore and rushes to the President's office (where he is watching football and eating snack foods under the careful observation of the Secret Service on the lookout for choking).

"I know the answer to your question, you Idiot!! I know who the child is!!"

Bush, who was privately becoming a bit concerned at the delay in hearing back from Cheney, is delighted (when he finally remembers what it was that he asked). "Who is it Dick?" he asks.

With obvious pride, Cheney replies "It's Al Gore, George - its Al Gore!!"

Stunned, Bush shouts in disgust, "Wrong you idiot - it's Tony Blair!!"

[The Flying Mouse]

The Good news........

Saddam Hussein to get death penalty.



The Bad news.......

He'll probably live because David Beckham's taking it

[KebLou]

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who lived in the deep South. It was getting near junior prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" Little Johnny said, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" Johnny exclaimed. "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Little Johnny nodded. She continued, "So we should go with each other."



Little Johnny can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so Little Johnny told his sister that he'd take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. Little Johnny is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the punch bowl, his sister came up to him, "Hey, bro, let's dance." He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Ray is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they danced a slow number.

The rest of the prom passed and it was time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with Little Johnny at the wheel, his sister looked over at him and said, "I don't want to go straight home." He gave her a curious look and said, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, out in the country, she looked over at him again and said, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he said, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

" Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talked Little Johnny into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again. "Hey . . . " she said. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!"

And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said Little Johnny, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said Little Johnny. "Mom told me."





This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing. Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, and some folks can't"



One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"

[Skeleton]

What´s common between bass player´s finger and thuder bolt?

Either finger neither thuder bolt never hit the same place twice.

[SueW]

Resurrection time! (I can't believe this thread had slipped so far down the list!)

Apologies if I offend anybody but I've had this sent to me by Americans twice now ....

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA


In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your
President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of
Monday 22nd November 2004.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
doesn't much fancy.

Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you
unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any
of you noticed.

To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
While there,
check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" -
this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult.

4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as
good guys.

5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that
you have complied with the first law before attempting this.

6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football".
What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
you aware of a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with, get the girls to help
you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will eventually be
allowed to
play Rugby, which is similar to American "football", but doesnot involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies.

7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde.
The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky
- the Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new
national holiday.

9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; its for your own good.
When we show you German cars you'll understand.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

[Chris]

Far be it from me to protect the Yanks but I have been emailed the reply to the above Revocation.

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic.
(Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
[/b]

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

Here's an update for you.....



Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?



Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....




Just to get a little sausage.

[Chris]

Someone on Messenger has been wittering for a joke so here you are:

A duck goes into a pub and says to the barman, "Got any fish?"

The barman looks at the duck and says, "This is a pub that doesn't server food, no we don't have any fish" So the duck walks out.

The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any fish?"

The barman looks at the duck and replies, "I told you yesterday we didn't have any fish, we don't have any fish today" So the duck walks out.

The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any fish?"

The barman says to the duck, "We don't serve food, we didn't have any fish yesterday, or the day before that. We don't have any fish today and we won't have any fish tomorrow!"

This goes on for a few weeks, eventually the barman gets exhasperated and says, "Look we don't server food, we never have had fish, we won't ever have fish, if you come in here again and ask for fish I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the bar!!!"

The same duck comes in the next day and says, "Got any nails?"

The barman looks perplexed and replies, "No I don't have any nails"

The duck replies, "Got any fish?"

[Chris]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.

I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too little.
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway!!!!

[Chris]

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
Amen.

[Chris]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said; "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife?s"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[Chris]

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa, recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship . The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John


Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,

Mary

[Cathie]

Lol cheers Chris

[Testify]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."