Jokes

[Chris]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. They have a shot of whiskey and
chat about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she
is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The
woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The other one asks. The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head.

One of the hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her pants and quickly gives her right butt cheek
a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
the bar.

His friend says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[Chris]

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special - Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

'I've brought you the Peking duck'

[Chris]

Jockey is racing in the 3-40pm from Cheltenham. He's doing great, on the home stretch, first place, when all of a sudden a tin of chopped ham and pork comes flying out of the crowd, hits him right on the head. In the confusion he slips back to third place.

He spurs on his mount, and rider and horse struggle back into second place when a bottle of port and a string of sausages fly out of the crowd. The port strikes the horse's flank and the sausages wrap around the jockey's neck. Again he loses ground as he struggles to retain his composure.

He's just about to regain first place when, in the final furlong, a tin of peaches and a turkey crown fly from the crowd, strike him right between the eyes. He can no longer concentrate, loses all concentration and fails to get a placing.

He goes straight to the Steward's enclosure and lodges a complaint that he was seriously hampered.

[Chris]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Cathie]

Blonde joke...sorry!

A blonde walks into a hairdressers wearing a set of headphones. She is greeted by a cheerful young hairdresser who sits her down in the chair and ties the cape around her.

"What kinda style were you thinking?" asks the hairdresser.

"I want it cut a bit shorter please," says the blonde.

"Ok then, well if you'll just take your earphones out..."

"No!" shouts the blonde, "Whatever you do, don't take them off!"

"Okaaaaay," mutters the hairdresser and starts to cut away.

After a few minutes the hairdresser tries to cut the hair around the blonde's ears but she can't cos the headphones are in the way. The hairdresser remembers what the blonde said but she thinks she is just being silly so before the blonde can protest she rips off the headphones and throws them to the floor.

The second she does so the blonde falls down dead.

The hairdresser stares at her in total shock for a few minutes, then puts the earphones to her own ears to hear what the blonde had being listening to:

"And breathe in...and out...and in...and out..."

[Chris]

An englishman, an irishman and a scostman walked intoa pub.

The landlord said "this is some sort of joke right??"

[Chris]

A busty blonde walked into a bar adn asked for a double entendre

So the landlord gave her one.

[Chris]

OK, I can't resist!!!

I'm off for tea at old Trafford tomorrow.

they are providing beverages but you ahve to take your own cup!!!!

Pathetic joke i know!!

I'll get my coat!

[Cathie]

A woman is pregnant with triplets when she is shot in the stomach three times. She's rushed to hospital but she's fine and the babies are all fine.

A few years later the first triplet goes up to his mum and says "Mum, I've just done a poo and there was a bullet in it"

Mum thinks about it and says, "Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal"

The next child comes up to her, "Mum, I've just done a poo and there was a bullet in it"

"Don't worry, it's ok,"

Then the third child comes up to his mum, he takes a deep breath and says:

"Mum, mum, I've just done a fart and shot the cat!"

[DIZZY DRUMMER]

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly
at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there
is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years
or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register and placed his
order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The
little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took
a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what
people around the old couple were thinking.

"That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and
walked to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another
meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady
still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came
over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time,
the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little
old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,
the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being
politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating.

You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting
for?"


She answered,





























[This is great - scroll down!]
































"The teeth!"

[Skeleton]

Ad on newspaper:

We going to sell Pittpull. Eats lot, eats everything, likes especially kids.

[Chris]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[Chris]

One day a blonde went into a department store. She said to the owner, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner replies, "No, you're a blonde".

Next day the blonde comes into the same shop with black hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The shop keeper says "No, you're a blonde."

Next day the blonde comes in with pink hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner says, "No, you're a blonde."

Then the blonde goes, "How do you know I'm blonde?"

He replies, "Because it's a microwave."

[Cathie]

(Real) translation of a sign over a doctor's surgery in Russia:

"Expert in men and other diseases"

[Chris]

Not sure if I've posted this one before or not but:

An old couple were walking down the street reminiscing about how they first started courting 60 years earlier.

The old lady spotted a fence adn said to her husband "remember what we used to do against that fence all those years ago"

Chuckling away her husband led her over to the fence adn said "how about a cuddle against it for old times sake."

They leaned against the fence and the husband started going at it like a horny bunny, when they finally collapsed on the floor the woman said "you didn't do it like that 60 years ago"

The husband replied "the fence wasn't electrified 60 years ago!!"

[L96]

A sandwhich walks into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here".

[L96]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Chris]

Donald Rumsfeld is breifing Presidnet Bush:

"Well sir, we ahve some bad news, this morning three brazilian soldiers were killed in iraq"

"Good god" shouted Bush "thats terrible. wait a minute....how many is in a brazillion?"

[needmoremeat]

[amethyst]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[Chris]

Who's stealing my jokes then???

Within three hours of posting the Brazillion Joke here, it was emailed to FHM/Nuts magazine for the joke of the week competition!!! (it did not win) But the email was a straight copy and paste as it included my spelling mistakes!!

Todays Joke
==========

In a house there lived three balloons: a mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and little toddler balloon.

Now every night, toddler balloon was getting up in the middle of the night and going into mommy adn daddy balloons' bed to sleep and his parents were obviously getting fed up of this.

One night Daddy Balloon has an idea and says to mommy balloon "if we both blow ourselves up a little bit more then we will fill the bed so he can;t climb in with us." So they blow themselves up a bit and go to sleep.

That night Toddler Balloon tries to climb into the bed adn cant fit so he has an idea. he lets a little bit of air out of Daddy balloon, a little bit of air out of Mommy Balloon and a little bit of air out of himself. He climbs in to the bed and goes to sleep.

The following day, Daddy balloon confronts toddler balloon about what he ahs done and is furious so he starts shouting at him

"you've let me down, you've let your mother down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down!"

[Chris]

So, i asked the girlfriend what she wanted for christmas.

She said she wanted something in any style or colour as long as it went form 0-200 incredibly fast.

So i've bought her some bathroom scales!

[Deb]

Go to sleep!!!!

[The Flying Mouse]

An very elderly couple turn up at the doctors.
So how can I help? the docor asks.
Well it's about our sex lives the old geezer coughs up.
"I see", the doctor says, "and what seems to be the problem?"
"Well what we'd really like" the old dear says taking over, "is for you to watch us make love, and tell us if there's anything wrong".
"You want me to watch you making love?Right here?In my surgery?"asks the disguisted doc.
"That's right" says the old boy with a grin.
"Well there are people who are in a far better position to assist" starts the doctor, "perhaps if I can refare you.........:
"Oh please" cries the old lady, "we're really desperate".
"Come on mate" the old bloke says."Look, just give us one week to see if you can work the problem out.I'll even throw a fiver a day in for the inconvieniance".
"Well, I don't know...."says the doc.
"All right, ten pounds every day, that's fifty quid from Monday to Friday".
"Well alright then, says the doctor".
"GREAT" yells the old chap."Come on Gladys, get your girdle off girl".
"Whatever you say Ernie" the old girl says with a grin.
"You mean your going to start now?" the doctor asks.
"No time like the present" Ernie says rubbing his hands together.

For the next half an hour, the doctor is forced to watch this very old couple in a variety of positions while making notes.

"So how'd you think I did?" asks Ernie with a grin at the close of the days proceedings.
"Well I couldn't see any problem" the doctor says, trying to hold his dinner in.
"Just wait and see what happens tomorrow" says Gladys.

For the next week, the doctor is subjected to this (for him) very unpleasant routine.THe couple come in, immediatly undress, and go for it .Every day, the doctor fails to see anything particulary wrong.

On the final day, the doctor, as usual, gives them a perfect bill of health.
He then notices that Ernie is having a very hard time trying to keep a straight face.
"Well we're off, thanks for everything" calls Gladys.
His suspicions aroused, he pulls Ernie to one side as Gladys leavs the room.
OK, what's the gag?, the doc asks.
"Well, it's like this" Ernie starts."See it's cold as a fridge at my place, her husband is always at home, and at 10 pound a day, your still cheaper than a hotel

[The Flying Mouse]

Sticking to a theme

"So, Mr Brown, what can I do for you?" the doctor said to the old gent sitting in his office.
"Well believe it or not" the old boy (who is 90 if he's a day) starts, "i'd like to have more children, and I was wondering if you could tell me how likley that would be".
"The first thing we'd have to determine would be your fertility" says the doctor, desperatly trying not to laugh.
"Here", if you would just take this jam jar home, and fill it up, i'll be able to send it away for a sperm count, and that will tell us the probability of you fathering any more children".
"Oh thank you doctor" Mr Brown exclaimed.
"No problem" the doc said, "just remember to book an apointment for next Tuesday at reception".

The next Tuesday the doctor buzzes his intercom, and asks his receptionist to send in Mr Brown.
"So how are you?" the doctor asks to a very crestfallen Brown.
"Not too good i'm afraid" says brown placing the jam jar, still completly empty, on the doctors desk.
"Mr Brown, I asked you to fill this jar" says the doctor.
"I know" moaned Brown, "but first I tried it, and it wouldn't work, so I called the wife in to give it a go, she tried it one handed, then with both hands, but she just couldn't make it work".
So what happened next?" the doctor asked.
"Well I told the Mrs to go and get Mrs Finchley from next door to see if she could get things going....."
"You asked your neighbour?" said the doctor in a shocked voice.
"yes" said Brown."She tried with the left hand, then the right hand, then she even tried it in her mouth, but she couldn't make it work".
"Mr Brown, I...."
"She even took her false teeth out to get more suction" said the miserable Brown.That's when I thought of the monkey wrench".
M M Mon key wr wr wrench? stammered the doctor going very pale.
"I thought it was worth a go" said Brown, "I mean, let's face it, it wasn't working the way it was, it ws useless, so if it broke, it wasn't like I was losing much.

"So let me get this righ" the doctor said firmly, "you tried yourself first?".
"Yes".
"But it wouldn't work?"
"No".
"So then you got your wife to try, then your neighbour with her mouth, and then you even tried a monkey wrench?"

"That's right" wailed Brown...................................















Wait for it
































"BUT WE STILL COULDN'T GET THAT FECKING JAM JAR LID OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Well what do you think he was going to say