Jokes

[Cathie]

You sound like someone I know Radiomaster

[rick]

[Ross]

[L96]

DId you hear about the Irish goldfish?

It drowned.

[Gez]

Did you hear about the guy who died when a car ran over his Finger.........he was picking his nose at the time

[Ross]

Pat and Mick were throwing stones at the ground.

Pat missed.

[L96]

What's green and hangs in trees?

Monkey snot.

[Ross]

Mickey Mouse was in court to divorce Minnie.

Lawyer - Mr. Mouse, as I understand, you are here to divorce Mrs. Mouse on the grounds of insanity?

Mickey - No, I never said she was insane, I said she was f***ing Goofy.

[Hypnobabe]

Joe took his blind date to the funfair. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim. They ambled over to the 'weight guessed'. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'weight guessed' they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the fair and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[Ross]

David Bowie told me this one -

Two psychics met each other down the street. The first says to the second -
"Well you're doing ok, how am I?"

[Caelan]

[L96]

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman says "What can I get you, Mr Hasselhoff?"

David replies "I'll just have a pint, and please call me Hoff".

The barman says...

"No hassle"

[Ross]

groan

[AndyK]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of OAPs on a tour, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.



After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.


"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, ”We just love the chocolate around them."



It pays to be careful around old people.

[Ageing Bat]

What has John Prescott and an MFI flatpack got in common ?

ANSWER BELOW
















A couple of screws in the wrong place, and the whole f#cking cabinet falls apart !!

[L96]

A Happy Woman:

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what
you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[mszee]

Latest Darwin Awards!!


Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the Barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space fo his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 ill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled , leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash from the register with a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
(which proves there is justice in this world.)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewge. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to siphon the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[mszee]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4.. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out].

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer foR missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Scary isn't it.

[L96]

I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and S&M, but I gave it up.







I was flogging a dead horse!

[mszee]

Real newspaper ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better
be a reward for this nasty little thing.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[mszee]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am I am just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, I have seen a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the las t time you had sex?"

"I haven't had any sex since 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! You are not kidding, no sex since 1955?

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[dottie]

When my husband unloaded the washing from the machine he found some shiny loose change 75p, now he is worried he might be called a money launderer

[L96]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Hypnobabe]

Andy & Angus were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Andy came up with brilliant strategy "I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Angus' fly.

They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Angus' fly.
"Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more.

"I just can't do this any more", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much."

"It's all right for you", Angus replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

[R.]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Feck dis. Budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...



































Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...












































Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Feck dis, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his feckin' hengliding!"