Jokes

[JanT]

Originally Posted by Lotus96

A dyslexic walks into a bank and pulls a gun on the customers.

"Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a fcuk up"

ROFL am in tucks

[soonerdawg]

a young lady walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch. she is impressed by how healthy he looks given his old age, so she asks," sir, if you don't mind my asking, what has been your secret to such a long life?"

"well," the man answers, "i drink a case of beer a day, smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, i eat oily, fatty foods, and i never exercise."

"wow," the young woman says, clearly impressed. "and if you don't mind my asking, just how old are you?"

"twenty-six."

[mszee]

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[mszee]

Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up

[mszee]

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.


Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.


Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to
your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.


Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way
ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[mszee]

Games for when we're old:

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

5. Musical recliners.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!



Thoughts for the weekend

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now we just go
"chunky dunking."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen a sleep yet.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


But Most Of All, Remember!

And don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
already tomorrow in Australia.

[mszee]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

===========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

===========================



On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

===========================

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

===========================



On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

===========================

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================



On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

===========================

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

===========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

===========================

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???...)

===========================

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

===========================



On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

===========================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

===========================



On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

===========================

Now that you've smiled at least once (maybe even chuckle)...

===========================

****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they
who let in the light*****

[mszee]

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does

[mszee]

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4 Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Speak and Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

[L96]

I went to the ATM the other day, and an old lady was in front of me in queue. She seemed to be having some trouble using hte machine, so I asked if I could help. She asked if I could check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over and said "yep, it's pretty bad".

[mszee]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[mszee]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[mszee]

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[hayley]

No offence to anyone from essex im an essex girl my self!!!!

Q: What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl ?
A: One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus !

Q: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex ?
A: Bus shelters.

Q: Why does an Essex girl wear knickers ?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours ?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board ?
A: Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

[mszee]

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

[L96]

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and... only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

Finally.....in 2000, eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing
up in the toilet.

[L96]

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

[Hypnobabe]

MOM - Job Description

POSITION:Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

[Hypnobabe]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:











"And Tigger?"

[Chris]

How do you cross a road in wales?

Caerphilly!

[mjbo]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[mszee]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[mjbo]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[clpmss]

A man takes his dog to the doctors. The doctor asks "What wrong with your dog?" The man replies, "I think he's dead." The doctor leave the room and returns with a cat. The doctor places the cat on the table with the dog. The cat walks pass the dog, sniffs the dog and then hits the dog. The dog does nothing. The doctor picks up the cat and tells the man that his dog is gone and hands him a bill for $600. The man asks why so much money and the doctor says " $100 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

[RadioMaster]

Paris, 1889: The riots just began, everybody´s running through the streets and beats everybody else up.
One man, runs around and screams: "Menstruation! Menstruation!".
Nobody notices him, so he continues running through the crowd and screams "Mentstruation! Menstruation!"
A woman notices, turns to him and asks: "Excuse me? Did you scream ´Menstruation´?" "Yes. Menstruation! Menstruation!"
"Didnt you mean...Revolution?"
"Oh, yes, sorry, but what the hell! Main thing´s that the blood floats!"