Jokes - Page 17

Lord Kagan · 26 Aug 2006, 22:10

What do you call a blonde with brain cells?
Pregnant

mjbo · 27 Aug 2006, 12:59

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

mjbo · 27 Aug 2006, 13:03

A software engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the Internet, which gave humanity the ability to share information and communicate across the globe at such high speeds.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the ability to move from one place to another.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos flask.

" Why a thermos flask?" the others asked." Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

" Yes -- so what?"

" Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Jen · 27 Aug 2006, 20:09

A ventriloquist visiting Aberdeenshire walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!"

Lord Kagan · 27 Aug 2006, 20:20

How do you tell if a blonde is wearing knickers?
Her ankles are warm!

Hypnobabe · 28 Aug 2006, 19:15

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he leaves.

mjbo · 31 Aug 2006, 00:06

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell!

mjbo · 31 Aug 2006, 23:29

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface, was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

gotham_child · 06 Sep 2006, 22:19

i wonder- sex????

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc. 3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4. There is also Social Security Sex ... that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on ... 5. The fifth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some. 6. There is also a sixth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

**The Flying Mouse** · 07 Sep 2006, 14:47

A woman, getting out of the shower, catches sight of herself in the mirror.

For a few minutes, she stands there looking at her own body in the reflection.

After a few minutes thought, she calls through to her hubby, "darling, do you think my breasts would be better if they were a little bigger?"

"Why?What's wrong?" he calls back.

"Nothing, nothing, I was just thinking that's all.I wonder if there's a way to make them bigger without the cost and pain of plastic surgery".

"Look", says her better half, "if you want bigger breasts, but don't want surgery, take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts twice a day"

"will that work?"

"Don't see why not" he replies.

So, although a little confused, she starts doing it.
Twice a day, she rubs between her breasts with toilet paper.

six months go by, and she is no better endowed.

"I thought you said this would work" she fumed at her hubby

"Well, I thought it WOULD" he responded.

"Why on earth, would you think rubbing toilet paper between my breasts would make them bigger?"

"Well", he says...........

It worked on your ass

L96 · 11 Sep 2006, 04:56

Peter Brock and Stevie Irwin meet at the Pearly Gates and Steve says "Crikey mate you here too?".
Peter replies "Yeah we both died in a similar situation."
"What, sting ray?" asked Steve.
"No, fish tail" replies Peter.

What did Steve Irwin say to God when Brocky arrived in heaven?
I asked for a croc not a Brock!!!!

Steve Irwin is up in heaven enjoying his life after death, up walks Peter Brock a bit unhappy that he has come before his time. Steve looks up and says cheerfully, "Crickey Pete, where did you get that awesome Halo?" To which Pete replies, "It isn't a halo, Steve, It's my bloody steering wheel."

What band will play at Steve Irwins funeral?
Sting.

Steve Irwin forgot to put sunscreen on that day he went to work cause he wasn't protected from the rays....
Also heard he put his sunnies on that day but not his Raybans....

rick · 12 Sep 2006, 13:16

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow.

rick · 12 Sep 2006, 13:20

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Hypnobabe · 12 Sep 2006, 14:14

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration.

If you don't get them at first - re-read the address content. Each one can be clicked on and are proper addresses:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky
website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

mszee · 17 Sep 2006, 02:39

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

mszee · 17 Sep 2006, 02:46

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

mszee · 17 Sep 2006, 14:43

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

mszee · 17 Sep 2006, 14:44

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"

mjbo · 28 Sep 2006, 23:46

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

mjbo · 05 Oct 2006, 23:44

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said: "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said: "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a super-power nation and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl: "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic! I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said: "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my school bag."

mjbo · 05 Oct 2006, 23:49

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

**The Flying Mouse** · 05 Oct 2006, 23:53

I've just burst out laughing at that last one

.

Thanks mjbo

mszee · 07 Oct 2006, 18:14

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea," and went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't be worryin' now, I have a plan.
Cheers!"

They downed their drinks and Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through me zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

When the barman saw this, he went berserk and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub!"

(Thanks, Mike, this made me laugh and laugh...)

batcity · 07 Oct 2006, 22:28

A dad has concerns about his daughter whose 16 years old and he angrily says to her "your boyfriend a lazy guy, he does nothing but play video games all day, he don't do a thing, hasn't even got a job!!"

The daughter replies "he's not like that"

The father replies "tell em one thing he's done in the last three months to make you so happy"

the daughter says " well already he's cured me of my monthly illness"

needmoremeat · 07 Oct 2006, 22:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by batcity1

A dad has concerns about his daughter whose 16 years old and he angrily says to her "your boyfriend a lazy guy, he does nothing but play video games all day, he don't do a thing, hasn't even got a job!!"

The daughter replies "he's not like that"

The father replies "tell em one thing he's done in the last three months to make you so happy"

the daughter says " well already he's cured me of my monthly illness"

wish I could be cured of that......

permanently

27 Aug 2006, 13:03	#403
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Greatest Invention of All Times A software engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose the Internet, which gave humanity the ability to share information and communicate across the globe at such high speeds. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the ability to move from one place to another. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos flask. " Why a thermos flask?" the others asked." Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer." " Yes -- so what?" " Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

31 Aug 2006, 00:06	#407
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	The frog and the bear Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell!

31 Aug 2006, 23:29	#408
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE! 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19.. Procrastinate Now! 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken. 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface, was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on

06 Sep 2006, 22:19	#409
gotham_child Super Loafer Join Date: 21.07.2006 Location: Midlands UK Posts: 233	joke thread.... i wonder- sex???? 1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc. 3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4. There is also Social Security Sex ... that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on ... 5. The fifth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some. 6. There is also a sixth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

17 Sep 2006, 02:39	#415
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	On the Way to Prison Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

26 Aug 2006, 22:10	#401
Lord Kagan On the other hand, You have different fingers Join Date: 17.05.2006 Location: Belfast Posts: 8,833	What do you call a blonde with brain cells? Pregnant

27 Aug 2006, 12:59	#402
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

27 Aug 2006, 20:09	#404
Jen Arrrgh! Join Date: 01.03.2003 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 2,938	A ventriloquist visiting Aberdeenshire walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doing all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!"

27 Aug 2006, 20:20	#405
Lord Kagan On the other hand, You have different fingers Join Date: 17.05.2006 Location: Belfast Posts: 8,833	How do you tell if a blonde is wearing knickers? Her ankles are warm!

28 Aug 2006, 19:15	#406
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he leaves.

07 Sep 2006, 14:47	#410
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	A woman, getting out of the shower, catches sight of herself in the mirror. For a few minutes, she stands there looking at her own body in the reflection. After a few minutes thought, she calls through to her hubby, "darling, do you think my breasts would be better if they were a little bigger?" "Why?What's wrong?" he calls back. "Nothing, nothing, I was just thinking that's all.I wonder if there's a way to make them bigger without the cost and pain of plastic surgery". "Look", says her better half, "if you want bigger breasts, but don't want surgery, take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts twice a day" "will that work?" "Don't see why not" he replies. So, although a little confused, she starts doing it. Twice a day, she rubs between her breasts with toilet paper. six months go by, and she is no better endowed. "I thought you said this would work" she fumed at her hubby "Well, I thought it WOULD" he responded. "Why on earth, would you think rubbing toilet paper between my breasts would make them bigger?" "Well", he says........... It worked on your ass

11 Sep 2006, 04:56	#411
L96 Inaugural goldfish winner Join Date: 04.07.2005 Location: In a handbasket. Believe me, for someone my height, it's hell... Posts: 2,373	Peter Brock and Stevie Irwin meet at the Pearly Gates and Steve says "Crikey mate you here too?". Peter replies "Yeah we both died in a similar situation." "What, sting ray?" asked Steve. "No, fish tail" replies Peter. What did Steve Irwin say to God when Brocky arrived in heaven? I asked for a croc not a Brock!!!! Steve Irwin is up in heaven enjoying his life after death, up walks Peter Brock a bit unhappy that he has come before his time. Steve looks up and says cheerfully, "Crickey Pete, where did you get that awesome Halo?" To which Pete replies, "It isn't a halo, Steve, It's my bloody steering wheel." What band will play at Steve Irwins funeral? Sting. Steve Irwin forgot to put sunscreen on that day he went to work cause he wasn't protected from the rays.... Also heard he put his sunnies on that day but not his Raybans....

12 Sep 2006, 13:16	#412
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow.

12 Sep 2006, 13:20	#413
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes A woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer Gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

12 Sep 2006, 14:14	#414
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration. If you don't get them at first - re-read the address content. Each one can be clicked on and are proper addresses: 1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it... is www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company... www.powergenitalia.com 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is www.cummingfirst.com 9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

17 Sep 2006, 02:46	#416
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	SuspendersOne day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothi One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!" Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start. They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in. The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off. The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought. suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by. "Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror. RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again! "FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view. RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off. Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car. "WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man. The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

17 Sep 2006, 14:43	#417
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Trick Question A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What kind of question?" the neighbor asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

17 Sep 2006, 14:44	#418
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Lottery A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"

28 Sep 2006, 23:46	#419
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	The Library "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

05 Oct 2006, 23:44	#420
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said: "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said: "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a super-power nation and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl: "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic! I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said: "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my school bag."

05 Oct 2006, 23:49	#421
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

05 Oct 2006, 23:53	#422
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	I've just burst out laughing at that last one . Thanks mjbo

07 Oct 2006, 18:14	#423
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea," and went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money!!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't be worryin' now, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks and Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through me zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." When the barman saw this, he went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!" (Thanks, Mike, this made me laugh and laugh...)

07 Oct 2006, 22:28	#424
batcity Guest Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Posts: 751	A dad has concerns about his daughter whose 16 years old and he angrily says to her "your boyfriend a lazy guy, he does nothing but play video games all day, he don't do a thing, hasn't even got a job!!" The daughter replies "he's not like that" The father replies "tell em one thing he's done in the last three months to make you so happy" the daughter says " well already he's cured me of my monthly illness"