Jokes - Page 18

Chris · 09 Oct 2006, 00:11

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories !

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose throws away her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

mszee · 09 Oct 2006, 01:17

Hypnobabe · 09 Oct 2006, 15:44

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike

"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

“Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.

"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.”

“Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,
and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five
quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card
points."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for
good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

wenners · 09 Oct 2006, 21:51

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that

despite
being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to.......

I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind
blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

mszee · 14 Oct 2006, 15:59

1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

********************************

2) Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

she answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid
£400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g
pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

(Thanks, Mike)

Hypnobabe · 14 Oct 2006, 18:55

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Hypnobabe · 14 Oct 2006, 18:57

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?

"Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that"

mjbo · 14 Oct 2006, 21:56

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

mjbo · 14 Oct 2006, 21:59

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

mszee · 17 Oct 2006, 04:23

Another one thanks to Mike...

Octopus walks into a bar, says… I bet I can play any musical instrument. Bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than Jimmy Hendrix.

2nd bloke says…. Bet you can’t play the piano. The octopus plays better than Elton John.

Jock gives him bagpipes, the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused. Jock says… Ha, can ye nae play it?

Octopus…. Play it? I’m going to shag it as soon as I get its f*cking pyjamas off!

mjbo · 21 Oct 2006, 20:16

Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

**The Flying Mouse** · 23 Oct 2006, 00:46

A young couple finally reach the honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

"I'm looking forward to this" says the groom, a masive beam on his face

"Well, before we do", says his bride, "there is something we need to discuss".

"Everytime you make love to me, I expect you to give me £50"

"FIFTY QUID"

he yells in horror.

"Yes, i'm afraid my mind is made up, and that's the way it's going to be"

Unable to control himself any longer, he gives in and promises to pay her the requested £50 fee every time they make love.

50 years later, they are celebrating their anniversary with a big party.

Without a shread of bashfulness, the woman makes her speech to all present, including telling them all of their little "agreement" (much to the old boys embarasment

)

At the end of the speech, she turns to him, and says "but I haven't wasted that money.In fact until last week I never spent one single penny of it.Which is why I was able to go to the travel agents last week, and book a two week holiday in America, front row tickets to the Meat Loaf concert (plug for the boss there

) and £5000 spending money".

The old boy looks amazed

"well you got nothing to say?" she asks.

To which he replied "If I knew you were gonna do that...................

I would have given you ALL my buisness"

**Monstro** · 23 Oct 2006, 04:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by R.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Feckin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Monstro** · 23 Oct 2006, 04:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

The management bible:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%..
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing! will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, Hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

I'm a manager, this one's going on my office wall tomorrow!!!!!!

Hypnobabe · 27 Oct 2006, 14:27

...and kept the same tag lines.....

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

JanT · 27 Oct 2006, 15:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hypnobabe

...and kept the same tag lines.....

**Monstro** · 30 Oct 2006, 01:42

Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you c*nts who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in A hurry! And all of you c*nts who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks with no delays".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to takeall of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing Journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.

**The Flying Mouse** · 06 Nov 2006, 14:52

A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an
overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. "Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

**The Flying Mouse** · 06 Nov 2006, 14:54

A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works.

" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

" Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. "

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question . .

" What's the distance from the earth to the moon ? "

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, " What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out.
He's more than a little frustrated!

He wakes the blonde again and asks, " Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? "

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

**The Flying Mouse** · 06 Nov 2006, 18:48

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"

**The Flying Mouse** · 07 Nov 2006, 17:04

Guy called Dave says to his boss..

"I know everybody in the world.."

His boss says..

"Yeah right..no way"

Dave says..

"I do, just choose someone, anyone at all and I bet I know them"

"OK then, Tom Cruise, bet ya dont know him"

Dave says. "Oh yes I do"

So they get on a plane, fly to Hollywood and make their way to Tom Cruise' house and Dave bangs on the door.

Tom Cruise opens the door and says..

"Oh wow, Dave, how you doing man, come on in for a beer, lets chat and catch up on old news"

After they come out the boss says..

"Well that was pretty cool, but maybe a bit lucky"

So Dave says..

"OK then, pick another, anyone ya want in the whole wide world, go on"

So his boss says..

"Right, I'll get ya this time..George Bush"

Off they go, board a plane for Washington DC and as they get there everyone is waiting for George Bush to come out and address the nation. Dave positions himself by the edge of the stage with his boss.

As George Bush emerges to address the nation, Dave is furiously waving.

George Bush sees him and smiles, he walks over and says ..

"Hi Dave, I just gotta do this speech and we can go get a coffee afterwards and have a little chat OK"

So they do that and when they come out the Whitehouse, the boss says..

"Wow that is really quite impressive, I am impressed, but if I can choose just one more, then it will be proved beyond doubt Dave and you will be my hero"

So Dave says..

"Yeah no worries, make another choice, I'll prove it beyond all doubt for you"

"OK then, errmmmm.. how about the Pope"

Dave says..

"The Pope, half my family are German, thats an old friend of the family ya picked there, lets go.."

Off they go to Vatican City where there are 250,000 people waiting for the Pope to come out and say prayers.

Dave tells his boss..

"Its too crowded here, I need to get close to The Pope to prove my self. I'll go over there and have a word with the guards.......because I know all of them too....and they will let me inside, and then in about 15 mins I will come out on the balcony right next to The Pope and wave to you OK boss"

Off Dave goes and sure enough 15 mins later he's on the balcony, arm round The Pope waving to his boss.

Dave decides to make his way back to his boss, and when he gets there his boss is surrounded by paramedics.

Dave scrambles through and says to him..

"Jesus boss, whats wrong are you OK"

And his boss looks up at him and says..

"I had a heart attack....I was fine, until you and The Pope walked out and the guy next to me said 'Who the feck is that on the balcony with Dave'"

mszee · 10 Nov 2006, 15:44

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have gotten out today."

R. · 12 Nov 2006, 22:10

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

KebLou · 12 Nov 2006, 22:19

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
-HR

KebLou · 12 Nov 2006, 22:21

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along, for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long, the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off, half an hour ago, to bring me another leopard."

14 Oct 2006, 15:59	#430
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Brave Men... 1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty." ****************************** 2) Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." **************************** 3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" she answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year". ******************************* A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly." (Thanks, Mike)

14 Oct 2006, 18:55	#431
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	Advertisement Feature ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine. White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

14 Oct 2006, 21:56	#433
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	An inmate on death row...... An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

14 Oct 2006, 21:59	#434
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Another one to watch out for !!!! A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". . . . . . . . . "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

23 Oct 2006, 00:46	#437
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	A young couple finally reach the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. "I'm looking forward to this" says the groom, a masive beam on his face "Well, before we do", says his bride, "there is something we need to discuss". "Everytime you make love to me, I expect you to give me £50" "FIFTY QUID" he yells in horror. "Yes, i'm afraid my mind is made up, and that's the way it's going to be" Unable to control himself any longer, he gives in and promises to pay her the requested £50 fee every time they make love. 50 years later, they are celebrating their anniversary with a big party. Without a shread of bashfulness, the woman makes her speech to all present, including telling them all of their little "agreement" (much to the old boys embarasment ) At the end of the speech, she turns to him, and says "but I haven't wasted that money.In fact until last week I never spent one single penny of it.Which is why I was able to go to the travel agents last week, and book a two week holiday in America, front row tickets to the Meat Loaf concert (plug for the boss there ) and £5000 spending money". The old boy looks amazed "well you got nothing to say?" she asks. To which he replied "If I knew you were gonna do that................... I would have given you ALL my buisness" Last edited by The Flying Mouse; 23 Oct 2006 at 13:31.

09 Oct 2006, 00:11	#426
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose throws away her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

09 Oct 2006, 01:17	#427
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252

09 Oct 2006, 15:44	#428
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" “Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.” “Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points." So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer printed the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet 3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better Thank you for shopping at Tesco

09 Oct 2006, 21:51	#429
wenners Senior Loafer Join Date: 24.06.2005 Posts: 182	Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

14 Oct 2006, 18:57	#432
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening? "Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there", says St.Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that"

17 Oct 2006, 04:23	#435
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Another one thanks to Mike... Octopus walks into a bar, says… I bet I can play any musical instrument. Bloke gives him a guitar which he plays better than Jimmy Hendrix. 2nd bloke says…. Bet you can’t play the piano. The octopus plays better than Elton John. Jock gives him bagpipes, the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused. Jock says… Ha, can ye nae play it? Octopus…. Play it? I’m going to shag it as soon as I get its f*cking pyjamas off!

21 Oct 2006, 20:16	#436
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

27 Oct 2006, 14:27	#440
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	Imagine if major retailers made condoms... ...and kept the same tag lines..... Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better Tesco Condoms - every little helps Nike Condoms - Just do it. Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life. Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk. KFC Condoms - Finger licking good. Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load. Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough. Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going. Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide FCUK condoms - no comment required. Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain. Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile. Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long Renault condoms - size really does matter! Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal Polo condoms - the condom with the hole The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

30 Oct 2006, 01:42	#442
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you cnts who want off, get the fk off now, cause we're in A hurry! And all of you cnts who are getting on, get the fk on, cause we're going down the tracks with no delays". The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to takeall of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing Journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... "For those of you who are pied off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.

06 Nov 2006, 14:52	#443
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	A fleeing Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. The Arab asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5." The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. "Shalom." Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

06 Nov 2006, 14:54	#444
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. " I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. " Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. " This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question . . " What's the distance from the earth to the moon ? " The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, " What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? " The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks, " Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? " The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

06 Nov 2006, 18:48	#445
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"

07 Nov 2006, 17:04	#446
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	Guy called Dave says to his boss.. "I know everybody in the world.." His boss says.. "Yeah right..no way" Dave says.. "I do, just choose someone, anyone at all and I bet I know them" "OK then, Tom Cruise, bet ya dont know him" Dave says. "Oh yes I do" So they get on a plane, fly to Hollywood and make their way to Tom Cruise' house and Dave bangs on the door. Tom Cruise opens the door and says.. "Oh wow, Dave, how you doing man, come on in for a beer, lets chat and catch up on old news" After they come out the boss says.. "Well that was pretty cool, but maybe a bit lucky" So Dave says.. "OK then, pick another, anyone ya want in the whole wide world, go on" So his boss says.. "Right, I'll get ya this time..George Bush" Off they go, board a plane for Washington DC and as they get there everyone is waiting for George Bush to come out and address the nation. Dave positions himself by the edge of the stage with his boss. As George Bush emerges to address the nation, Dave is furiously waving. George Bush sees him and smiles, he walks over and says .. "Hi Dave, I just gotta do this speech and we can go get a coffee afterwards and have a little chat OK" So they do that and when they come out the Whitehouse, the boss says.. "Wow that is really quite impressive, I am impressed, but if I can choose just one more, then it will be proved beyond doubt Dave and you will be my hero" So Dave says.. "Yeah no worries, make another choice, I'll prove it beyond all doubt for you" "OK then, errmmmm.. how about the Pope" Dave says.. "The Pope, half my family are German, thats an old friend of the family ya picked there, lets go.." Off they go to Vatican City where there are 250,000 people waiting for the Pope to come out and say prayers. Dave tells his boss.. "Its too crowded here, I need to get close to The Pope to prove my self. I'll go over there and have a word with the guards.......because I know all of them too....and they will let me inside, and then in about 15 mins I will come out on the balcony right next to The Pope and wave to you OK boss" Off Dave goes and sure enough 15 mins later he's on the balcony, arm round The Pope waving to his boss. Dave decides to make his way back to his boss, and when he gets there his boss is surrounded by paramedics. Dave scrambles through and says to him.. "Jesus boss, whats wrong are you OK" And his boss looks up at him and says.. "I had a heart attack....I was fine, until you and The Pope walked out and the guy next to me said 'Who the feck is that on the balcony with Dave'"

10 Nov 2006, 15:44	#447
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

12 Nov 2006, 22:10	#448
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside

12 Nov 2006, 22:19	#449
KebLou Mega Loafer Join Date: 02.03.2004 Location: The Arena of the Unwell Posts: 3,177	DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done. ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. -HR

12 Nov 2006, 22:21	#450
KebLou Mega Loafer Join Date: 02.03.2004 Location: The Arena of the Unwell Posts: 3,177	A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along, for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long, the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off, half an hour ago, to bring me another leopard."