Jokes

[cerysmeatloaf]

here's a joke for ya

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a
bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's
$1,000.Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking only $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.




go on..................scroll down




Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Testify]

lol hehe, where do u lot hear all these jokes??

[R.]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the fool you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store. Amen.

[Chris]

If she's deaf-mute, How does she tell me when tea is ready!!!!

JOKE:

An old couple were sat in their rocking chairs one day quietly rocking away. Suddenly the old woman got up and punched the man that hard he fell backwards off his chair.

"What the ~~~~ was that for?" He asked in astonishment
"That was for 45 years of bad sex!" came the reply

The man sat back down and thought for a few minutes before getting back up and walking over to his wife and slapping her that hard she rolled off the chair! Walkign back to his seat he said:

"That was for knowing the difference!!"

[Chris]

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, I don't know his name ... but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother Of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.". The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

The monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?", the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, but ... he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[The Flying Mouse]

A vicar and a rather umpleasant loudmouthed man were playing golf.
The vicar tee'd off first and got a perfect hole in one.The other guy tee'd off and his ball landed in a bunker.
"S...,F... I missed the B......" said the man.
My son"said the priest,"if you use language like that,then god will surely strike you down".
On the next hole,the vicar once again got a hole in one.
The other guy took his turn and landed in the rough.
"S...,F... I missed the B..... " he said.
"My son,I have already warned you that if use such profanaties,god will surely strike you down"the pained preacher informed him.
This happened on ever hole on the course.The vicar had a perfect score,while the man continually cursed his bad luck.
On the 18th hole the man cursed again.
Suddenly,out of the cloudless sky,a lightening bolt flew down and struck the vicar killing him stone cold dead.
A voice came from the heavens...
"S...,F....,I missed the B......"

[MBrevard]

The Greek scholar took his torn pants to the Greek tailor.

Studying the tear, the tailor asked, "Euripedes?"

The scholar nodded, "Eumenides?"



Love,
MB
xxx

[cerysmeatloaf]

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came
to her father and
asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and
exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree.
Let me show you
what I mean."

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed
a number at
random.
To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is
Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named
Melvin. Why don't
you learn to look up numbers before you dial".

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was
not a bit happy
with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed
him. Now watch...."

The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin
there?" asked
the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just
called this number
and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've
got lot of guts
calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see,
that was anger.
Now I'll show you what exasperation means."

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice
roared, "Hello!"

The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have
there been any
calls for me?"

[MBrevard]

A Fractured Fairy Tale

After she was finished with Cinderella, the fairy godmother paid a visit on another poor young girl, Minuetta. Extremely flat-chested, the woman is convinced that her life would improve if only she had large breasts.

"All right," the fairy godmother said, "How about we fix it so that every time a man says 'pardon' to you, they grow a bit."

Delighted with the arrangement, Minuetta goes to market next day. Bumping into a woodcutter, she's delighted when he tips his hat, says, "I beg your pardon," and her breasts grow nearly an inch.

Later, when a coachman accidentally splashes mud on her, he stops and says, "Pardon me." Her breasts grow again.

Smiling radiantly when she reaches the market, she goes to the vegetable stand and asks the Arab merchant for some bread. While he's handing it to her, he knocks a tub of jam on her dress.

"Oh, dear," he bows and scrapes, "a thousand pardons!"



Love,
MB
xxx
'er, maybe that should be
XXX

[cerysmeatloaf]

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.

One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."

[MBrevard]

It was a violent storm, but Rene Descartes and his colleague Raoul had agreed to attend a philosopher's convention in Paris. En route, their carriage became hopelessly mired in the mud. Refusing to accept defeat, Descartes leapt from the carriage, pushed the driver aside, and began pulling on the horse. The animal bolted and knocked the philosopher back into the mud.

Raoul climbed out and they helped the dazed Frenchman to his feet. "In the future, " the driver said to Raoul, "you would be wise not to put Descartes before the horse."



Don't like that one--you won't like the next one any better!!!!

The ten unusually small pigs walked into the bar and ordered beer after beer. As the night progressed, all but one of them made at least a dozen trips to the bathroom.

After the bartender brought him his twentieth brew, he asked the one pig, "Say, how come you've been drinking all night, yet you haven't gone to the john once?"

The pig looked up. "Because I'm the one that goes wee-wee-wee-wee-wee- all the way home."



Love,
MB
xxx

[Testify]

[cerysmeatloaf]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

[original sin]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

[MBrevard]

I apologize ahead of time for this one!!

When the waters finally subsided, and Noah led all the animals onto dry land, he was distraught by a pair of snakes who refused to leave.

Arms on hips, he glared down at them. "So, why don't you leave?"

"Because we can't go do what the Lord has asked," replied one of the snakes.

"You mean you can't go forth and multiply? Why not??"

The snake said sadly, "Because we're adders."


Okay! Okay! I TOLD you it was a bad one!!
How about another one?


Two nuns were driving down a desolate highway when they ran out of remembered that they had passed a gas station just a few miles back so they started the tiresome walk back.

Once back at the gas station, the nuns explained their problem and asked for some gas and a can to put it in. The attendant explained that they no longer loaned out gas cans as travelers so often failed to return them. The nuns asked him if he had any suggestions and the gas jockey pointed to a trash heap out behind the garage, suggesting that the nuns might find something there in which to carry the fuel back to their car.

After rummaging through the trash for quite some time, the only thing the nuns could find in which to put some gas was an old baby's training potty. Filling the potty with gas, they made the long walk back to their car.

About this time, a drunk happened along and saw this sight on the side of the road. He slammed on the brakes, slid to a stop, jumped out and staggered over to the nuns. Not saying a word, he watched as they poured from the potty into the tank.

Just as the nuns were about to start the car, the drunk straightened up and exclaimed..."Lordie me, Sisters - you sure got more faith than I got!"




They say 'Third time's a charm'...shall we give it a try...?


A Christian in ancient Rome was being pursued by a lion. He ran through the city streets and into the woods, dodging back and forth among the trees.

Finally it became obviously that it was hopeless--the lion was going to catch him. So he turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. "Lord," he prayed desperately, "make this lion a Christian."

Instantly the lion dropped to its knees and prayed, "For this meal of which I am about to partake..."



Love,
MB
xxx

[cerysmeatloaf]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

[MBrevard]

Three International journalists, a Briton, an American and a Frenchman, were captured by terrorists in Iraq. Each man was sentenced to stand before a firing squad.

The Briton was the first to be put against the wall. Standing back, the terrorist in charge said, "Ready, aim--"

At which point the Briton interrupted by shouting, "Earthquake!"

The Firing squad ran for cover, and the Briton escaped.

Regrouping, the Iraqis put the American against the wall. Once again the leader said, "Ready, aim--"

"Flood!" Taking a leaf from the Briton's book, the American yelled.

Once again the Iraqis panicked, and the prisoner escaped.

Finally the French journalist faced the guns, ready to repeat the ploy of his predecessors. The terrorist leader said, "Ready, aim--"

"Fire!" hollered the Frenchman.



Okay! Here's another one with an International theme, which isn't much better!!

The Mafia don learns from his accountant that someone in the family in America has been stealing money. Flying from Sicily, he has all of his young lieutenants brought in one at a time. Alone in a room with his translator, Maria, he asks each of them if they have been taking money. Whenever a man says, "No," the don puts a gun to the man's head. If he still says "No," the don lets him go.

The last lieutenant brought before the don is Salvatore, and he's shaking like a leaf.

"So," says the don through his translator, "Are you the one who has been stealing from me?"

"No, Godfather," says the man.

The Godfather puts the pistol to the man's temple. "I ask you again: Are you the one who has been stealing from me?"

Quaking horribly, the man screams, "Yes! Yes! I took the money and put it in a suitcase in my attic!"

The don looks at his translator.

"Godfather," she reports, "He says, 'I'll bet this old codger doesn't have the guts to pull the trigger.'"



Love,
MB
xxx

[cerysmeatloaf]

A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom.

"In the margin of the paper, the professor commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.

[MBrevard]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."



Love,
MB
xxx

[cerysmeatloaf]

hi mb how r you


Have you recently been diagnosed with AAADD?

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes...


I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .

Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious...

I'd get help...

BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.

[heat]

[Testify]

[original sin]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[MBrevard]

Here's a bad joke to start off the weekend:

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".


Yeah, I know...Shall we try another one??


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience could be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for day after day...

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"




Love,
MB
xxx

[cerysmeatloaf]

hope you can see the funny side to this

There were two nuns...
>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other
>one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are
>still far away from the convent.
>
>
>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
>past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
>
>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
>most?What can we do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
>
>SM: It's not working.
>
>
>SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
>thing. He started to walk faster, too.
>
>
>SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
>minute.
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
>and I'll go this way.He cannot follow us both.
>
>
>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>
>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
>what has happened to Sister Logical.
>
>
>Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
>
>SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
>happened!
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
>us both,so he followed me.
>
>
>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
>could and he started to run as fast as he could.
>
>
>SM: And?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
>
>
>SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
>
>SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
>
>
>
>
>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
>
>SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
>man with his pants down.