Jokes - Page 20

mszee · 16 Dec 2006, 16:10

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Hypnobabe · 20 Dec 2006, 22:46

Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

needmoremeat · 21 Dec 2006, 20:57

Just thought of this one:

Q. What computer does Derek Trotter (Only Fools and Horses) use?

A. a Dell

mjbo · 30 Dec 2006, 13:02

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

Blackkat13 · 02 Jan 2007, 04:28

What green and flys?
Super Pickle

R. · 16 Jan 2007, 21:08

A Toronto lawyer went duck hunting in rural PEI. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in this country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes Down East. We settle small disagreements like this with the Down East Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Down East Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

geordieloaf · 16 Jan 2007, 23:27

Sorry it's a real old one.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?

Today i had a slice of toast.

mjbo · 16 Jan 2007, 23:51

A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep ... every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'round for a while. Then I whistle, and they jump right back into this ice chest, and I take'um home."

"That's a bunch of hogwash ... fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth .. I'll show you! It really works!"

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited and after several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Wario · 16 Jan 2007, 23:56

Thin Man: "I see you lost some weight"

Fat Man: "Thanks"

Thin Man (looking at Fat Man): "Well I think I found it"

(Fat man Proceeds to beat the Thin Man up)

rick · 17 Jan 2007, 03:11

snow white got sacked from disneyland paris yesterday for sitting on pinochio's face and singing "tell me lies tell me sweet little lies"

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by rick

snow white got sacked from disneyland paris yesterday for sitting on pinochio's face and singing "tell me lies tell me sweet little lies"

Thought Warioloaf's was bad enough but I really don't get this one........have I had too much to drink??????

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:14

Shit, just got it..............................

And it's quite funny really

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monstro

Thought Warioloaf's was bad enough but I really don't get this one........have I had too much to drink??????

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rick · 17 Jan 2007, 03:16

what happen's when piochio tell's lies ? please the rest is biology

dohh !!!

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:16

Though Warioloaf's is really still rubbish lolo

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by rick

what happen's when piochio tell's lies ? please the rest is biology

dohh !!!

Too slow!!!!! LOL

rick · 17 Jan 2007, 03:18

way too much to drink ,can you send some over please !!!

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:19

Sends a large JD Rick's way, pleasure to drink with you m8!!!!

rick · 17 Jan 2007, 03:20

extra large baileys back atcha (with ice of course)

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:31

Is there any other way to serve it?????

rick · 17 Jan 2007, 03:32

I V works for me lol !!!

**Monstro** · 17 Jan 2007, 03:33

Yes but I like whisky and the ice doesn't fit down the tube!!!!!!

rick · 17 Jan 2007, 03:35

get a bigger needle ?

**The Flying Mouse** · 17 Jan 2007, 19:24

OK boys, take it over Here please

**The Flying Mouse** · 17 Jan 2007, 20:33

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm

.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over

.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

30 Dec 2006, 13:02	#479
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

16 Jan 2007, 21:08	#481
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	3 kick rule A Toronto lawyer went duck hunting in rural PEI. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in this country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes Down East. We settle small disagreements like this with the Down East Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Down East Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

16 Jan 2007, 23:51	#483
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Smart Poacher A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep ... every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'round for a while. Then I whistle, and they jump right back into this ice chest, and I take'um home." "That's a bunch of hogwash ... fish can't do that!" The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth .. I'll show you! It really works!" "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited and after several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the redneck. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"

16 Dec 2006, 16:10	#476
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

20 Dec 2006, 22:46	#477
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	Mick wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Mick a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Mick is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Mick decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Mick remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

21 Dec 2006, 20:57	#478
needmoremeat Mega Loafer Join Date: 23.11.2003 Location: Sunderland, UK Posts: 1,416	Just thought of this one: Q. What computer does Derek Trotter (Only Fools and Horses) use? A. a Dell

02 Jan 2007, 04:28	#480
Blackkat13 Mega Loafer Join Date: 30.07.2006 Location: Hell, Michigan Posts: 1,989	What green and flys? Super Pickle

16 Jan 2007, 23:27	#482
geordieloaf Can't You See My Faded Geordie Jeans Bursting Apart Join Date: 25.10.2006 Location: Newcastle Posts: 1,360	Sorry it's a real old one. What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast? Today i had a slice of toast.

16 Jan 2007, 23:56	#484
Wario Monstro helps me spell things... Join Date: 05.01.2007 Location: Masculine, Pennsylvania Posts: 9,105	Thin Man: "I see you lost some weight" Fat Man: "Thanks" Thin Man (looking at Fat Man): "Well I think I found it" (Fat man Proceeds to beat the Thin Man up)

17 Jan 2007, 03:11	#485
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	snow white got sacked from disneyland paris yesterday for sitting on pinochio's face and singing "tell me lies tell me sweet little lies"

17 Jan 2007, 03:14	#487
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Shit, just got it.............................. And it's quite funny really

17 Jan 2007, 03:16	#489
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	what happen's when piochio tell's lies ? please the rest is biology dohh !!!

17 Jan 2007, 03:16	#490
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Though Warioloaf's is really still rubbish lolo

17 Jan 2007, 03:18	#492
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	way too much to drink ,can you send some over please !!!

17 Jan 2007, 03:19	#493
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Sends a large JD Rick's way, pleasure to drink with you m8!!!!

17 Jan 2007, 03:20	#494
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	extra large baileys back atcha (with ice of course)

17 Jan 2007, 03:31	#495
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Is there any other way to serve it?????

17 Jan 2007, 03:32	#496
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	I V works for me lol !!!

17 Jan 2007, 03:33	#497
Monstro Promoted to Wario's spellchecker Join Date: 17.09.2005 Location: London Posts: 12,946	Yes but I like whisky and the ice doesn't fit down the tube!!!!!!

17 Jan 2007, 03:35	#498
rick badass bus driver Join Date: 12.11.2003 Location: what do you mean no bloody ticket grandma Posts: 485	get a bigger needle ?

17 Jan 2007, 19:24	#499
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	OK boys, take it over Here please

17 Jan 2007, 20:33	#500
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm . The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over . A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"