Jokes

[mszee]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.

We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax office and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

[daveake]

Scene at Iraqi immigration control:

Immigration officer: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from the US of A"
"Age?"
"45"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

Dave

[Hypnobabe]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

[mszee]

A man took his wife to the Iowa State Fair and one of the first exhibits

they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and

there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50

times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This

bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice

a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in

capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited

that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day

You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with

the same cow."















































































The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he

should eventually make a full recovery.

[mszee]

A Polish man moved to the Ireland and married a Cork girl.


Although his English was Far from perfect, they got along very well


Until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce For him.


The lawyer said getting a divorce would Depend on the circumstances,

and asked him The following questions:


Have you any grounds?


Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.


No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.


I don't think you understand.


Does either of you have a real grudge?


No, we have carport, and not need one.



I mean, how are your relations?


All my relations still in Poland.


Is there infidelity in your marriage?


We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.


Does your wife beat you up?


No, I always up before her.


Is your wife a nagger?


No, she white.


Why do you want this divorce?


She going to kill me.


What makes you think that?


I got proof.


What kind of proof?


She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy and put on Shelf
in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:


"Polish Remover."

[Lord Kagan]

Good joke Zina

[The Flying Mouse]

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?" The koala says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks him what's the matter. The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!" The koala looks down and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude...how much water did you drink?!!"

[Chris]

I've just heard some terrible news - apparently one of my friends has always dreamt of being run over by a train and this weekend he committed suicide by hurling himself under a steam engine.

Still he must have been happy at following his dream, apparently he was chuffed to bits!

[mszee]

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

Finally, a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.

The hottest selling bumper sticker from New York state .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

[Chris]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him
for sex,these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Men sometimes don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

[mszee]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said "Welcome to the gentleman's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three," and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, I think I'm the most aware of the environmental problems of us three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next presidential campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

[The Flying Mouse]

Originally Posted by mszee

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

OMG, that's a funny joke

"I think"

[mszee]

Originally Posted by THE FLYING MOUSE

OMG, that's a funny joke

"I think"

And therein lies Mr. Flying Mouse last post...

[mszee]

Alright then...similar joke...

Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton are on a cruise together when, out of nowhere, the ship hits an iceberg and starts to sink.

Carter cries out, "Save the women and children!".

Nixon replies, "Screw the women and children!",

to which Clinton replies, "Do you think there's time?"

[batoutofhell3]

Originally Posted by mszee

A Polish man moved to the Ireland and married a Cork girl.


Although his English was Far from perfect, they got along very well


Until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce For him.


The lawyer said getting a divorce would Depend on the circumstances,

and asked him The following questions:


Have you any grounds?


Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.


No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.


I don't think you understand.


Does either of you have a real grudge?


No, we have carport, and not need one.



I mean, how are your relations?


All my relations still in Poland.


Is there infidelity in your marriage?


We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.


Does your wife beat you up?


No, I always up before her.


Is your wife a nagger?


No, she white.


Why do you want this divorce?


She going to kill me.


What makes you think that?


I got proof.


What kind of proof?


She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy and put on Shelf
in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:


"Polish Remover."

made me laugh =P

[batoutofhell3]

...A Virgins Nightmare........

girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

That made me laugh so much

[batoutofhell3]

a blonde woman goes into the launderette to get her jumper cleaned, the blonde explains to the woman at the counter that there is a stain on it and it needs to be done in an hour. The woman behind the counter does not hear the blonde properly and replies 'come again?'. The blonde blushes slightly and says no its just mustard this time...

[Hypnobabe]

Originally Posted by mszee

Alright then...similar joke...

Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton are on a cruise together when, out of nowhere, the ship hits an iceberg and starts to sink.

Carter cries out, "Save the women and children!".

Nixon replies, "Screw the women and children!",

to which Clinton replies, "Do you think there's time?"

Originally Posted by batoutofhell3

a blonde woman goes into the launderette to get her jumper cleaned, the blonde explains to the woman at the counter that there is a stain on it and it needs to be done in an hour. The woman behind the counter does not hear the blonde properly and replies 'come again?'. The blonde blushes slightly and says no its just mustard this time...

Loved these two, made me laugh out loud...

Okay, rude one coming up...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too."
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um,equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[mjbo]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[mjbo]

The old lion-tamer was passing on his skills to a young trainee on a work experience course.

"Now, the first technique you must learn is to stare down the lion, to show him who's boss. Before I can show you how to put your head in the lion's mouth, you must gain his respect. Standing in the centre of the ring, fix him with a level gaze. This will arouse his curiousity, and he will start to walk slowly towards you. When he does that, without losing eye contact, pick up your chair, and hold it out in front of you. This will keep him at a safe distance. You mustn't lose eye contact - keep staring at him !"

"But what if it doesn't - what if he knocks the chair away?"

"Well then, hold your whip out in front of you, and without losing eye contact, back slowly away until you get to the door of the cage. This will give you a chance to open the door and get out, without letting the lion close to you. But for God's sake, don't lose eye contact."

"But what if he knocks the whip away before I can open the door - I can't back away any more !"

"OK - keeping your back to the bars, and without losing eye contact, bending your knees very slowly, reach to the sand behind you, pick up a handful of crap, flick it quickly into the lion's eyes, and quickly get out of the door."

"But what if there isn't any crap on the ground ?"

"There will be."

[mjbo]

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[mszee]

One night, George W. Bush is ****ing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[mszee]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Ageing Bat]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER;
she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB;
she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND;
she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY;
she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS;
she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME;
he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers
GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT;
he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not STUPID;
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS;
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has
INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

[mszee]

He is not short also goes politically correct as "vertically challenged"

Great joke...thoroughly American...