Jokes

[Chris]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for ?"


Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel"

[Chris]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE
Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are
going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my first guess."

[R.]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St.Peter says,"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, until one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on called Todd. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

And Todd says,"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

[Monstro]

Very funny!!!!

[mszee]

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being
absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

(Thanks, Mike)

[mszee]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[mszee]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[mszee]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" T hat's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

" Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[mszee]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[mjbo]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Mary. Mary."

"Is that you Fred"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.""What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."





"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Ireland."

[mszee]

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.


The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Russian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Russian software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...











Can you guess?



















Do you know the answer yet?




















Come on, think like a Russian ...
























... a dozen Russians waiting for a free haircut!

[mjbo]

There are three blondes washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent.

Instantly, she is turned Into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

[mjbo]

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his small bowl........... it is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness he can muster.
Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl......... it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mama Bear who set the table. It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
Mama Bear said, "Now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time - I
HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"

[Monstro]

The three bears go for a walk before breakfast and return hungrier than ever.....

Baby Bear - Who's eaten my porridge?

Mummy Bear - Who's eaten my porridge?

Daddy Bear - F**k the porridge, where's the tv and video???????????

[mszee]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[mszee]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

[mszee]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, I'm your son's teacher."

[R.]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that "

[The Flying Mouse]

A delivery man went into a mental institution to deliver a package. On passing one of the rooms, he heard 'thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' over and over again. He raised an eyebrow and passed on.

After delivering his package he went back through the same route, and again passed the door...'thirteen, thirteen, thirteen' he heard again...unable to contain his curiosity, he peeked through the keyhole to see what was happening.

Suddenly, a straw came through and poked him in the eye!

He stood up, clutching his face and heard..

'fourteen, fourteen fourteen'

[Hypnobabe]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and
dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious!

Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replies, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[mjbo]

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So he is in his room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[R.]

So this irishman walks past a bar.

[The Flying Mouse]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther
always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and
50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I
might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50
dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to
Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[tinkerbell]

Firemen had to rescue an irish man stuck/trapped to a condom machine. They asked what happened. He said the sign says insert £2 and push knob in...

[Hypnobabe]

A young blond walks into a pet shop looking for a pet but not sure what to get, as she is wandering around she notices a box labled SEX FROGS £20 each complete with instructions.
No one is watching so she whispered to the shop keeper, " I'll take one please."
The man packages the frog and says " Just follow the instructions" The blond nods and grabs the box and rushes home.
As soon as she arrives home so eagerly opens the box and reads the instructions---
1 Take a shower
2 Splash on some nice perfume
3 Slip into a sexy nightie
4 Crawl into bed and place frog on the pillow next to you, and allow the frog to do what he is trained to do
She gets into bed and follows the instructions but nothing happens, she waits and waits but nothing , after a while she phones the man at the shop and tells him , The man says " I'll be right over."
Within minutes the man is ringing the doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says" See I have done everything according to the instructions, the damn frog just sits there"
The man , looking very concerned , picks up the frog, stares into eyes and sternly says,
LISTEN TO ME! I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME......