Jokes - Page 25

Hypnobabe · 27 May 2007, 01:45

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish restaurant: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

Hypnobabe · 27 May 2007, 02:06

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots, (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

mszee · 01 Jun 2007, 15:51

Very very funny...thanks!!!

In re: the signs joke above...this is the true story...

There was no movie posters in Russia when I lived there...so every movie theater would have their own artist on stuff to paint - actually paint in oils - the poster for the movie...so every poster was different and up to the artist...

There are many I've seen that were hysterical but would be lost in translation...but one I remember very well...it advertised a very tight murder mystery where you don't know who the murderer is until the last 5 minutes...

One of the artists in my area painted the poster and written brief description of the movie...at the end of the description was following:

The role of murderer is played by Oleg Yankowski...

Bwahahahahahahahaaha

P.S. I have to add here that Oleg Yankowski was one of the biggest Russian movie stars at the time...known to EVERYBODY...

sexyeyes_jo · 04 Jun 2007, 20:06

Michael Jackson has been found not guilty on all accounts of child molestation! His lawyer is now trying to get Stevie Wonder a driving licence!

sexyeyes_jo · 04 Jun 2007, 20:24

Michael Jackson has sacked his chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdic.Mr Poke Um Yung feels michael is over reacting.

Hypnobabe · 05 Jun 2007, 13:16

I walked into a Subway (sandwich shop) with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

===================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Hypnobabe · 05 Jun 2007, 13:38

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."

mszee · 05 Jun 2007, 15:05

Claire...these are priceless...hahahahahaahahahaha

Hypnobabe · 05 Jun 2007, 15:41

You're welcome hon

**The Flying Mouse** · 07 Jun 2007, 18:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hypnobabe

I walked into a Subway (sandwich shop) with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

Was her name Heli by any chance?

*ducks for cover*

mjbo · 08 Jun 2007, 23:16

Paddy asks the dentist what is involved in getting all teeth removed in preparation for dentures.

Dentist : "That's a major procedure. I'll administer a general anaesthetic so there'll be no pain, but it'll cost you €1200"

Paddy : "What! I can't afford that, is there not a cheaper option?"

Dentist : "Well you could go for local anaesthetic, but there would be quite a bit of pain for a few days after, that would be €800"

Paddy : "You must be joking, I'm not paying that, look what is your absolute rock bottom option?"

Dentist : "OK, there is the €150 option, but I would most certainly not recommend it - No anaesthetic, buckets of blood, and excruciating pain for weeks"

Paddy : "Grand cake, book the wife in for noon tomorrow."

mjbo · 08 Jun 2007, 23:20

A woman brought a very limp duck in to see the vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "You haven't done any tests on him or anything. Maybe he's just in a coma or something, I demand a second opinion!"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a brown Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a tabby cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and sniffed delicately at the bird. Then it sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiable, dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and out popped the bill.
He handed it to the duck's owner who gasped in shock, "£150 she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably"

mszee · 08 Jun 2007, 23:45

Mibo, you have the best jokes!!!

JanT · 08 Jun 2007, 23:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjbo

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably"

mjbo · 09 Jun 2007, 00:00

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

mjbo · 11 Jun 2007, 20:33

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air Is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

R. · 18 Jun 2007, 20:34

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"~~~~!" shouts the voice ...

mszee · 20 Jun 2007, 23:14

President of Mexico has officially announced that Mexico will, indeed, not participate in the next Olympic Games.

Direct quote from President's speech: "Everybody who could run, jump or swim already left the country".

mszee · 20 Jun 2007, 23:26

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8. Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

mjbo · 21 Jun 2007, 15:48

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Cpl Mickey · 21 Jun 2007, 18:52

Did you hear about the Irish wood worm?
It was found dead in a brick

mszee · 25 Jun 2007, 20:36

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?" .

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

mjbo · 26 Jun 2007, 21:27

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car.............?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years'?".

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today"

mjbo · 26 Jun 2007, 21:29

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken
surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a
tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him
to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady
little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise"
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you
the Peking Duck"

mszee · 27 Jun 2007, 05:47

Polish women are tough!

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi withFried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

27 May 2007, 01:45	#601
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	Lost in translation... In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish restaurant: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

27 May 2007, 02:06	#602
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	Especially for Zina and Betty... Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots, (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

01 Jun 2007, 15:51	#603
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Very very funny...thanks!!! In re: the signs joke above...this is the true story... There was no movie posters in Russia when I lived there...so every movie theater would have their own artist on stuff to paint - actually paint in oils - the poster for the movie...so every poster was different and up to the artist... There are many I've seen that were hysterical but would be lost in translation...but one I remember very well...it advertised a very tight murder mystery where you don't know who the murderer is until the last 5 minutes... One of the artists in my area painted the poster and written brief description of the movie...at the end of the description was following: The role of murderer is played by Oleg Yankowski... Bwahahahahahahahaaha P.S. I have to add here that Oleg Yankowski was one of the biggest Russian movie stars at the time...known to EVERYBODY... Last edited by mszee; 01 Jun 2007 at 15:57.

05 Jun 2007, 13:38	#607
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	For all our Geordie friends... I can hear the accent as I read... lol.. A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" £124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in heeya to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ruined, you might as well gan fishing."

08 Jun 2007, 23:16	#611
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Paddy goes to the dentist.... Paddy asks the dentist what is involved in getting all teeth removed in preparation for dentures. Dentist : "That's a major procedure. I'll administer a general anaesthetic so there'll be no pain, but it'll cost you €1200" Paddy : "What! I can't afford that, is there not a cheaper option?" Dentist : "Well you could go for local anaesthetic, but there would be quite a bit of pain for a few days after, that would be €800" Paddy : "You must be joking, I'm not paying that, look what is your absolute rock bottom option?" Dentist : "OK, there is the €150 option, but I would most certainly not recommend it - No anaesthetic, buckets of blood, and excruciating pain for weeks" Paddy : "Grand cake, book the wife in for noon tomorrow."

04 Jun 2007, 20:06	#604
sexyeyes_jo Mrs Mouse Join Date: 17.05.2005 Location: Liverpool Posts: 4,633	Michael Jackson has been found not guilty on all accounts of child molestation! His lawyer is now trying to get Stevie Wonder a driving licence!

04 Jun 2007, 20:24	#605
sexyeyes_jo Mrs Mouse Join Date: 17.05.2005 Location: Liverpool Posts: 4,633	Michael Jackson has sacked his chinese lawyer stating he could affect the verdic.Mr Poke Um Yung feels michael is over reacting.

05 Jun 2007, 13:16	#606
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	I walked into a Subway (sandwich shop) with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. =================== One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" ==================== While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." ==================== I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." ==================== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot. ==================== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ==================== I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" ==================== While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

05 Jun 2007, 15:05	#608
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Claire...these are priceless...hahahahahaahahahaha

05 Jun 2007, 15:41	#609
Hypnobabe mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots Join Date: 13.07.2005 Location: Hitting the highway like a battering ram... Posts: 7,686	You're welcome hon

08 Jun 2007, 23:20	#612
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Sick duck A woman brought a very limp duck in to see the vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "You haven't done any tests on him or anything. Maybe he's just in a coma or something, I demand a second opinion!" The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a brown Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a tabby cat. The cat jumped up on the table and sniffed delicately at the bird. Then it sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiable, dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and out popped the bill. He handed it to the duck's owner who gasped in shock, "£150 she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably"

08 Jun 2007, 23:45	#613
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Mibo, you have the best jokes!!!

09 Jun 2007, 00:00	#615
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Revenge A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

11 Jun 2007, 20:33	#616
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	The Supermarket The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air Is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

18 Jun 2007, 20:34	#617
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. "DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the oice again. The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "~~~~!" shouts the voice ...

20 Jun 2007, 23:14	#618
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	President of Mexico has officially announced that Mexico will, indeed, not participate in the next Olympic Games. Direct quote from President's speech: "Everybody who could run, jump or swim already left the country".

20 Jun 2007, 23:26	#619
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Redneck pickup lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8. Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

21 Jun 2007, 15:48	#620
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	The Pope and his driver After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.) "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: " The Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "The President?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? " Cop: " No Sir." Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

21 Jun 2007, 18:52	#621
Cpl Mickey Mega Loafer Join Date: 15.09.2003 Location: Maidstone. England Posts: 1,378	Did you hear about the Irish wood worm? It was found dead in a brick

25 Jun 2007, 20:36	#622
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?" . "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

26 Jun 2007, 21:27	#623
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Do you remember ? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car.............?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years'?". "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today"

26 Jun 2007, 21:29	#624
mjbo Senior Loafer Join Date: 22.05.2006 Location: Dublin, Ireland Posts: 197	Chinese restaurant A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. "Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?" "We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise" "Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peking Duck"

27 Jun 2007, 05:47	#625
mszee Mega Loafer Join Date: 29.03.2006 Location: And you think you're down under??? Posts: 26,252	Polish women are tough! An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi withFried onions wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. "Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."