mlukfc.com Forums mlukfc.com
Meat Loaf UK Fanclub 
PO BOX 148 
Cheadle Hulme 
Cheshire SK8 6WN 
Go Back   mlukfc.com » mlukfc.com Forums » Life » Off Topic

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
Old 06 Jul 2007, 17:50   #626
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default The Irish, You Gotta Love Em...

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for
some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.



Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I
want you to think about something... Every time I clap my hands, a child
in Africa dies."



A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin' stop
clappin', ya arsehole!"
mszee is offline  
Old 20 Jul 2007, 10:20   #627
Hypnobabe
mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots
 
Join Date: 13.07.2005
Location:  Hitting the highway like a battering ram...
Posts: 7,686
Default Ron's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his a*** with only 2 inches showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
Hypnobabe is offline  
Old 24 Jul 2007, 17:37   #628
allrevvedup
"Most things that i worry about, never happen anyway"
 
Join Date: 29.11.2003
Location:  Liverpool
Posts: 5,351
Default The Honest Mortician

A man who just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed. He pointed out that the man did look good

in the black suit he was already wearing.



The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the mortician a
blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in a blue suit for the viewing."



The woman returned the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.



She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"



To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check. He
said, "There's no charge."



"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she protested.



"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician said, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after

you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.



"So I switched the heads."
allrevvedup is offline  
Old 24 Jul 2007, 17:40   #629
LucyK!
The Monster Is Luce
 
Join Date: 14.04.2002
Location:  
Posts: 7,547
Default

!!! Love that last one!
LucyK! is offline  
Old 26 Jul 2007, 02:31   #630
tinkerbell
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 16.09.2006
Location: N. Ireland
Posts: 4,562
Default

A Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Welshman shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.) The man shouts back "Im english, speak english, i don't understand you". The Welshman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in"

tinkerbell is offline  
Old 28 Jul 2007, 02:24   #631
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default 3 detectives...

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
mszee is offline  
Old 06 Aug 2007, 12:34   #632
SamCat
Hello Harry!!!!
 
Join Date: 12.09.2006
Location:  London
Posts: 3,086
Default

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on the Thursday with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel There was a computer in his room so he decided to send his wife an email.However he accidently left out one letter in her email address and without realising his error he sent the email.
Meanwhile somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husband funeral He was a minister who had a heart attack and died The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from family and friends.
After reading the first message she screamed and fainted, her son rushed to the computer and read:
To:My loving Wife
Subject:I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me They have computers here now and you are allowed to sent emails to loved ones I've just arrived and have been checked in I see everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
SamCat is offline  
Old 08 Aug 2007, 01:22   #633
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While
her husband is off to work she is going to paint a couple of rooms
in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket
at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting
the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said,





















































"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
mszee is offline  
Old 11 Aug 2007, 07:31   #634
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

A young Florida football player was viciously attacked by a pit bull while practicing with a friend in his yard one warm September afternoon.
His friend witnessed the bloody attack and quickly inserted the blade of his stick between the dog and its collar. With a snap of his wrist, he broke the dog's neck and saved his friend from certain death.

A local reporter, driving by the field saw what happened and quickly parked and attended to the 2 boys. He immediately began writing a story for the newspaper. Scribbling furiously, he penned, "Local Buccaneers fan saves pal from vicious dog". The young lad who saved his friend commented that he was not a Buccaneers fan. The reporter changed the headline to "Local Dolphins fan saves friend from vicious dog".

The young lad again explained that he was not a Dolphins fan but a fan of the New York Jets. The reporter stared in disbelief at the child hero and after some time, changed the headline to read, "Dirty little Yankee ~~~~~~~ from New York murders beloved family pet."
mszee is offline  
Old 14 Aug 2007, 00:55   #635
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

She was in the kitchen preparing soft-boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,

"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
mszee is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 00:02   #636
Hypnobabe
mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots
 
Join Date: 13.07.2005
Location:  Hitting the highway like a battering ram...
Posts: 7,686
Default

A pair of newly-weds are chatting away a few weeks into their marriage, when the talk turns towards their respective pasts.

"I have something I should tell you", says the wife. "In a previous life I was a hooker".


"Oh yes", says the husband. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he continues "so tell me more; what kind of things did you get up to?"


"Well", says she, "my name was Steve and I played for Wigan".
Hypnobabe is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 00:04   #637
Hypnobabe
mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots
 
Join Date: 13.07.2005
Location:  Hitting the highway like a battering ram...
Posts: 7,686
Default

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman


(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

















I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Hypnobabe is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 02:36   #638
allrevvedup
"Most things that i worry about, never happen anyway"
 
Join Date: 29.11.2003
Location:  Liverpool
Posts: 5,351
Default

i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent
allrevvedup is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 02:37   #639
duke knooby
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 24.06.2005
Location:  belfast
Posts: 17,884
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by allrevvedup View Post
i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent
can you do an irish accent?
duke knooby is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 06:11   #640
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by knooby View Post
can you do an irish accent?
He really can't...he doesn't speak like a Lucky Charms guy at all!!!
mszee is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 11:54   #641
allrevvedup
"Most things that i worry about, never happen anyway"
 
Join Date: 29.11.2003
Location:  Liverpool
Posts: 5,351
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mszee View Post
He really can't...he doesn't speak like a Lucky Charms guy at all!!!
It's cause nobody is ever after my lucky charms...well not recently
allrevvedup is offline  
Old 02 Sep 2007, 13:11   #642
Hypnobabe
mszee's Mistress with sexy goddess boots
 
Join Date: 13.07.2005
Location:  Hitting the highway like a battering ram...
Posts: 7,686
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by allrevvedup View Post
i'm getting you to tell that joke when i see you in november...more to see how you attempt an irish accent
I'll write it down on a bit of paper and give it to you - that should tell you how good I am at Irish accents!!!
Hypnobabe is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 07:27   #643
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by allrevvedup View Post
It's cause nobody is ever after my lucky charms...well not recently
You think?
mszee is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 20:50   #644
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default Power of Positive Thinking

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.
mszee is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 22:46   #645
Monstro
Promoted to Wario's spellchecker
 
Join Date: 17.09.2005
Location:  London
Posts: 12,946
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mszee View Post
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy
two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I
consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had a chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.
I gotta do the math with this and whisky lol
Monstro is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 23:30   #646
sexyeyes_jo
Mrs Mouse
 
Join Date: 17.05.2005
Location:  Liverpool
Posts: 4,633
Default

They said a flower
couldn't signify love.
The rose managed it.
They said a plant
couldn't survive without water.
The cactus proved them wrong.
They said a retard couldn't read text
messages..............Well done kiddo!
sexyeyes_jo is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 23:34   #647
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

mszee is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 23:35   #648
duke knooby
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 24.06.2005
Location:  belfast
Posts: 17,884
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sexyeyes_jo View Post
They said a flower
couldn't signify love.
The rose managed it.
They said a plant
couldn't survive without water.
The cactus proved them wrong.
They said a retard couldn't read text
messages..............Well done kiddo!
what the hells that??? can't you type??? complete drivel lol (no offence)
duke knooby is offline  
Old 03 Sep 2007, 23:38   #649
mszee
Mega Loafer
 
Join Date: 29.03.2006
Location:  And you think you're down under???
Posts: 26,252
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by knooby View Post
what the hells that??? can't you type??? complete drivel lol (no offence)
No, it actually depends on who joke is on or about...
mszee is offline  
Old 04 Sep 2007, 00:25   #650
Monstro
Promoted to Wario's spellchecker
 
Join Date: 17.09.2005
Location:  London
Posts: 12,946
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sexyeyes_jo View Post
They said a flower
couldn't signify love.
The rose managed it.
They said a plant
couldn't survive without water.
The cactus proved them wrong.
They said a retard couldn't read text
messages..............Well done kiddo!
Quote:
Originally Posted by knooby View Post
what the hells that??? can't you type??? complete drivel lol (no offence)
I think you just walked right into that one Knooby Doo lol
Monstro is offline  
Closed Thread


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 23:00.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright ©1999 - mlukfc.com
Made by R.

Page generated in 0.11769 seconds with 13 queries.