Jokes

[Battybarb]

lol

[sexyeyes_jo]

Whats the difference between
heather mills and nothern rock.
One has 25million, is on its
last leg and f*cks old people
for their savings. The other
is a building society

[mszee]

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

[mszee]

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

[allrevvedup]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for Church
ladies
with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or
were announced in church services


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you..


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[angelica]

Originally Posted by allrevvedup

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for Church
ladies
with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or
were announced in church services


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you..


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will
follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person
you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Brilliant! LOL

[Cathie]

That had me giggling out loud, think there were a few raised eyebrows pointing in my direction...

[mjbo]

Originally Posted by allrevvedup

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[mjbo]

One day a little girl (3 years old!) was at home with her Daddy while her Mammy was in the shops. She was playing with a little 'tea set' that was one of her favourite toys.

Her Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mammy came home.

Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch the little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mammy waited, and sure enough, here she came, down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[Hypnobabe]

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.


If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .


They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

D Evans, London .


If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth .


Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.

A Woodward, Sheffield .


They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan .


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .


In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

Martin Harwood, Bradford.


These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey .


Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.


We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.

George Nisbet.


Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Bollockbrain, Braintree .


Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole .


So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .


To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

Danny King, Balham


I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling


If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring


I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy


'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough


So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica , Rhyll


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Warren


THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer


I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray


' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill


'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Raymond Winky

[Cathie]

Originally Posted by Hypnobabe

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

If they start giving out incentives and benefits to nurses with OCD I may retrain. must be easier than this writing malarky that I do. I think I must have an OCD paradox though cos I do all the handwashing but I'm still really messy. Go figure.

[SamCat]

One winter's morning a husband and wife in Aberdeen were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, 'We are
going to have 6 or 7 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get
through.'


So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 7 or 8 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through.' The good wife again went out and moved
her car.


The next week, again during breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We
are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park............'
then the electric power went off. The wife was very upset, and with a

worried look on her face she said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do
now. Which side of the street do I need to park so that the
snowploughs can get through?'


With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?

[meatloaf-unofficial]

I don't know if these have been posted becuase I haven't had time to read all 31 pages... but here goes:

A boy decides he wants to buy a TV for his room, so he goes out and gets a weekend job. After a coupe of weeks, one saturday he goes out and buys one. That night he lies on his bed and switches on and watches.

His dad comes up stairs and he says " Dad, whats love juice?" and his dad replies with "Oh god, time for the whole Sex talk"

After half an hour, he finsihes explaining and his sons eyes at this time are bulging and he says to his son " What programme are you watching?" and he says "Wimbledon!"

[mjbo]

Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells,

"I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.

When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.

When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.

But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said,

'Should we take them with us or eat them here?'

I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[snowy]

Heard yesterday -

'How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 2 2 1 1 2 2 2 1 2

[R.]

I dont't care who your father is, but you will not - I repeat - you will not walk on the water while I'm fishing here!

[mszee]

Best Surgeon in Texas


Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

[mszee]

This joke would have been so much funnier if it wasn't true...

[mjbo]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me.

I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,

I'm going to lose my house as well.

Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery!

I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God,

Why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, and my car.

My children are starving.

I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant to you.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with me on this.... Buy a ticket.

[The Flying Mouse]

Three men, Tom, Dick, and Harry, die and go to heaven.

"OK" says St Peter, "this is how it works.You'll get a car each to drive around in heaven forever more, but that car will reflect how you lived your life on earth.
Now, Tom, you were a very bad man on earth.You cheated on your poor wife over 1000 times.In condemnation of this fact, you will drive a Lada forever".

Tom is given his Lada and he drives off into heaven.

"Now, Dick" continues St Peter, "you cheated on your wife on no fewer than 462 times during your marriage, as this is so, you are to drive a Skoda until t5he end of time".

Dick, behind the wheel of his Skoda, joins the motorway into heaven.


"Now, Harry" St Peter says with a kindly smile, "you were a very good man on earth.You never cheated on your wife in all the years you knew each other, not even looking at another woman even once in all that time.
In recognition of your love and loyalty, i'm delighted to give you the keys to this.........."

With that, a revolving door (a bit like the one from bullseye) rotates and Harry is faced with a brand new, top of the line, Rolls Royce with all the extras.

Understandably, Harry is over the moon, and he jumps into his new car and speeds toward heaven shouting his thanks over his shoulder.

For months Harry drives around receiving envious glances and beaming with all the attention he's getting.

Then, one day while at traffic lights, the three friends find themselves parked next to each other.Harry is leaning on the steering wheel bawling his eyes out.

"Harry, is everything alright?" shouts Tom from his Lada.

Bawling, Harry shakes his head.

"What's the matter?" calls Dick from his Skoda.

To which Harry replies............




"I've just seen my wife go past on a skateboard".

[mszee]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[mjbo]

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

[mjbo]

A Department of Water Resources inspector stopped at a rural farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water Inspector said, ' Look Mister, I have the authority of the Provincial Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself quite clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Inspector running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the Water Inspector with every step who was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out ..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

[R.]

George W.Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you! You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go and you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George reluctantly agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In there was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over, gasping for air, such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said, 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.

'No! I've got this problem with my back. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.

The devil then opened the third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms and legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best!

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I could handle this!'


The devil smiled and said ....'Monica, you're free to go!'

[mszee]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris, could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole.'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd
in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.