Jokes

[mszee]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Aministration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[allrevvedup]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'

'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday

[mszee]

[snowy]

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once ------- by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed..
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'


Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'

[snowy]

funny blonde joke -

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on
the door.The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her
and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again
catches up .

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues
down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns
green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter

[allrevvedup]

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1st November 2008

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2nd November 2008

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------



FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA
Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.

Pauline.
Note : A Pay Increase Of £10.00 for all employees as requested by the
union to accomodate gift exchnage is not acceptable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------- ----------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2008

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low
fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste
the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the
restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2008

RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2008

RE: Pauline and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John
Note: Pls avoid reference of Vegetarian , Hanukah , Ramadan , Alcoholics
Anonymous , Weight Watchers etc in your get well soon cards as it might
delay her recovery.

[mszee]

Mike, this is classic...my entire office is laughing here...

[mszee]

Proof

Proof that Jesus was...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
for him to do.

[mszee]

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins ......

[mszee]

Are Computers Male or Female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

[Wario]

Whats it called when two Ticks mate?

Incest

[daveake]

Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park is falling into disrepair and there are no funds available to replace it. When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said, "Well, it would just have to try and defend itself the best it could".

[mszee]

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[snowy]

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher


So true!!!!

(p**sed off teacher from north London)

[mszee]

Two hill-billies from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

[mszee]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She
agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her hu sband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'

[mszee]

Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

[mszee]

They Walk Among Us...

People like these make you wonder how they actually survive in this world of ours!


A K-Mart check out clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a 50 bill. She gave
me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had
made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant & informed me she was
educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave
her the money back-same scenario & departed the store with the $46.64.


I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already
buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She
Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them
shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and
said, 'Where'?

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that
stuff.'


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my airport luggage, so I went to the lost luggage office
and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in
good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'


While working at a pizza parlor I heard a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it before responding. 'Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

At a southern fast food restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and French
fries. The young lady taking orders informed that they had no hamburgers
or French fries. I replied that the other customers were being served
hamburgers and French fries. She looked at me quizzically and replied
'those are BURGERS AND FRIES!'

TheyWalk Among Us, they Reproduce, and Worst of all ...THEY VOTED.

[mszee]

Funny Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================




On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


==========================



On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)


=======================



On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================



On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


===========================


On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)


============================





On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)



========================



On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



==============================



On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)


==============================




On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)


==========================



On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================



On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================




On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


========================



On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[daveake]

Police have admitted that they made a big, big mistake when they killed Jean Charles De Menezes.

They were actually after his naughty brother, Dennis.

[angelica]

Originally Posted by mszee

Funny Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================




On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


==========================



On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)


=======================



On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================



On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


===========================


On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)


============================





On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)



========================



On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



==============================



On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)


==============================




On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)


==========================



On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================



On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================




On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


========================



On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Oh these made me chuckle ... especially the last one referring to the Swedish chainsaw! LOL!!!

[Monstro]

Originally Posted by daveake

Police have admitted that they made a big, big mistake when they killed Jean Charles De Menezes.

They were actually after his naughty brother, Dennis.

Sick but that made me laugh out loud!!!!!!!!!

[The Flying Mouse]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

"Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank...I just married his damn widow."

[The Flying Mouse]

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later….. “Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…… “Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

[Cathie]

Classic