Jokes

[daveake]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[mszee]

Dave, this is priceless...thank you.

[Hypnobabe]

1 I find your lack of pants disturbing.
2 You are unwise to lower your pants.
3 Your pants, you will not need them.
4 Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
5 I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
6 The Force is strong in my pants.
7 You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
8 In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
9 Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
10 I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.

For more, see http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=1906

[The Flying Mouse]

Originally Posted by Hypnobabe

1 I find your lack of pants disturbing.
2 You are unwise to lower your pants.
3 Your pants, you will not need them.
4 Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
5 I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
6 The Force is strong in my pants.
7 You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
8 In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
9 Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
10 I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.

For more, see http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=1906

Did someone say pants?

[daveake]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out, saving him from drowning.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to now be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act is of an obviously sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[daveake]

Police have found more bodies inside the pie factory at Huddersfield.

The total is now put at approximately 3.142

[Monstro]

Originally Posted by daveake

Police have found more bodies inside the pie factory at Huddersfield.

The total is now put at approximately 3.142

I do like clever humor, nice one

[daveake]

What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG......

clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop ...





An Amish drive-by shooting.

[mjbo]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! Me so sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[mszee]

Yesterday I was sitting with my wife and talked about this and that...somehow we got on the subject of euthanasia...this is a very delicate subject concerning a choice between life and death...

So I told my wife...I wouldn't wish my enemy to get into this type of a position...when you exist in full dependency of the life support machines and the only food you can have is IV fluids. I told her that if I ever get to this point, she should immediately disconnect machines keeping me alive.

She immediately got up, turned off TV and computer and poured all my beer down the sink...

What an idiot!

[daveake]

After 30 years of marriage Janet and her husband Mark went for counselling.

When asked to describe her problems, Janet went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Janet to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately.

A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Janet flushed, tries to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

[daveake]

[daveake]

A Lion, A Bear and A Pig are aguing who is the toughest of them all

The Lion says when I roar the whole jungle runs and hides so I'm the toughest

The Bear says when I roar the whole forest runs and hides so I'm the toughest

The Pig says you're both wrong. I'm the toughest, because when I sneeze the whole world shites itself.

[daveake]

YouTube Video

[daveake]

[Cpl Mickey]

If after a night out drinking and some one you know is a bit worse for wear tell them
They have CRAFT Syndrone (Can't Remember A F*****g Thing) xx

[daveake]

Rick Astley walks into rehab.

The receptionist says, "Feck off - you're never gonna give it up."

[The Flying Mouse]

Originally Posted by daveake

Rick Astley walks into rehab.

The receptionist says, "Feck off - you're never gonna give it up."

I like that one

[daveake]

Not a joke, but funny anyway. An email taken from the " Darwin Awards near misses".

Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun-adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Jacob

[daveake]

Max Mosley Edition ...

[Monstro]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

[daveake]

[daveake]

[daveake]

A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a
special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before
we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes
and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I
cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a
few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She says 'I don't think you understand, my name was Tom and I played
rugby for Wales ...

[daveake]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:
Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht mah cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me."