Jokes

[Testify]

hehe thats made my day readin that!

this is from the back of my sweet packet.

what lies under the sea and shivers?






a nervous wreck shockin!!

[dottie]

A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. the woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. Tha man went back to reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you alright?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you" the woman replied. "I have a rare condition, when I sneeze I have an orgasm".
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said "Pepper".

[meatfan]

HaHaHa!

Nice one Dottie!

Heather.

[Wild_Honey]

[cerysmeatloaf]

Joke Of The Day



At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives
complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines
him and asks him"What the hell did you do to your
back?"


The patient replies "You know that I work for a
local night club?
Today morning I got home to my apartment early and
heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew
someone had been with my wife and
the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony
door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from
the balcony I saw a man running out and he
was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw
it at him,That's how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in
a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous looked bad,
but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed
for a while now .Today was the first day at my new
job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I
was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it
but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than
the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I
was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the
3rd floor.

[Chris]

A little boy begged his parents for months to be allowed a telly in his room. Eventually they gave in and got him his own TV.

One day he went to his dad and said "Daddy, What's love juice?"

Well, the father sat him down and explained all the ins and outs of the birds and the bees and all about sex. He finally said "Now, tell me son, what filth were you watchign to hear abotu love juice?"

The little boy replied "Wimbledon!"

[tukayaway]

Chris, have you been reading FHM?

[Chris]

Me?? Read FHM??? Never

Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!

[Wild_Honey]

Originally Posted by Chris

Me?? Read FHM??? Never

Couldn't remember where I had read it until you said that!!!

Guys, what IS "FHM"??

[heat]

Originally Posted by Wild_Honey

Guys, what IS "FHM"??

It's a Men's Magazine, Honey

[Wild_Honey]

Originally Posted by heat

It's a Men's Magazine, Honey

Thanks Heat, I HAD thought it was... Just wasn't sure...

[Wild_Honey]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[shadow1000001]

That was very cute Now I have one!!


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a grip on it.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves and her head strikes the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....................................
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse



Maria

[CarolM]

heres a silly one. What is the fastest cake in the world? Scone.

[R.]

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There is only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. The Scouser then calls out : "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table. Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!" Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"

[shadow1000001]

I have a cute poem for all those out there who are not morning people like me!!

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun. It seemed hes very trilling, brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed, then gently shut the window and crushed his f*****g head.
I am not a morning person

Maria

[cerysmeatloaf]

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "what are you doing?"

The child answered, "smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."

[Testify]

hehe good ones

i got one, dont know if its good or not but hey..

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[cerysmeatloaf]

good one Testify i liked it

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

MoHe opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[Testify]

hehe like that one

well here goes another...

...Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

not very good but hey :P

[cerysmeatloaf]

good one testify
how about this


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

[Chris]

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have
someone for you to meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"


He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[shadow1000001]

Cute one Chris!!

...Quote for the Day...

A good friend will come bail you out of jail.....but a true friend will be sitting beside you saying " Damn... We F****D up"

[Testify]

very good! hehe

this one isnt very good.

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

:P

[heat]

Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with the queen, when he turns round and says..

'As i'm the PM, i'm thinking of changeing what the country is, so i'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom'

To which the Queen replied,

'I'm sorry Mr. Blair, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge, and you are NOT a King'

Blair thought for a while and then said,

'How about a Principality then?'

To which the Queen replied,

'Sorry, Mr. Blair, but to be a principality, you have to be a Prince, And you are NOT a Prince.'

Again Blair thought long and hard, and finally said,

'How about an Empire then?'

The Queen, getting a little pissed-off by now, replied,

'Sorry again, Mr. Blair, but to be an Empire you must be an Emporer, and you are NOT an Emporer'

Before Blair could utter another word, the Queen proclaimed,

'Anyway, Mr. Blair, I think we are doing quite nicely as a Country..'