Jokes

[Chris]

This was supposedly reported in a Florida Newspaper although I am not sure which one!!! It happened in the town of Crestview.

A man and his wife reached the supermarket just as their car broke down. the husband told his wife to go into the shop and buy the groceries and he would get the car sorted.

Upon leaving the store, the lady noticed a crowd had gathered around the car so she went over to see why. Sticking out form under the jacked-up vehicle was a pair of male legs. The gentleman in question was wearing shorts but no underwear so his private parts were of full public view!!

The wife, unable to bear the humiliation, knelt down, put her hand up the shorts and adjusted everything abck to its proper position.

She stood up to find herself face to face with her husband.

The mechanic removed himself from under the vehicle wearing a large smile!!!!!!

[heat]

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dreamer of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, and will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, Sweet as a rose,
She'll kis you one miniute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, then milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengefull, and merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.









THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

[original sin]

uumm I like that one Heat

[Chris]

A man went to court to ask for a divorce.

After reviewing the papers, the judge asked "Why should I grant you this divorce?"

"Well your honour" replied the man "the problem is that I live in a two story house"

"What the heck does the height of your house have to do with anything?" Asked the Judge

The man replied "No, no, it's a two story house. teh first story is I ahve a headache, and the second sotry isd that time of the month!!!"

[Chris]

Frank gets up one morning and tells the wife to put her good clothes on because he was taking her out for the day

But I've got loads of stuff to do today she protested

Your too miserable he sadi, I'm taking you to the zoo for a day out

So they went off to the zoo and aas they wandered around they went past the gorilla cage

"He fancies you" said frank to his wife

"Does he heck " she replid

He does frank said, go on , flash a bit of leg at him
So she did and the gorilla got more excited. Feeling braver she flashed a bit of cleavage at him adn the gorilla started jumping up and down with joy.

All of a sudden Frank grabbed his wife, shoved her in the gorilla cage adn locked the door.

"Frank" she screamed through the bars "why???"

Frank turned and replied "Now tell HIM you've got a headache!!!"

[Chris]

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like
to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse,
a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

[Chris]

The very first ever Blond GUY Joke... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito

and jumped too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.



At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.




are you ready for it....................

it's worth the wait




here it comes..............................


"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[Chris]

A woman went into a pharmacy adn asked to buy some cyanide. the pharmacist said "What do you want that for? It's very dangerous!!"

I want to kill my husband replied the woman.

Well i'm sorry said the pharmacist, i can't sell you any to commit murder with. Why do you wnat to kill him anyway?

The woman didn't speak adn instead pulled a photo out of her husband with the pharmacists wife

"Ah right" said the pharmacist "Why didn't you say you had a prescription!!!"

[White of High]

A housebraker is climbing into the dark kitchen but in the window he hears the next:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He's affraid but climbing away. When his legs in the kitchen he hears again:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He fears, the ice running on his back, trembling but he reaches out for the switch but he hears again:
- "Jesus listen you!"
He's switching on the light and see a parrott in a cage on the table. He goes there and ask:
- Did you say that "Jesus listen you!"?
- Yes. - say the parrott.
- And are you Jesus?
- No. My name is Clerence.
- Clerence? What a stupid man gives such a name for a parrott?
- Who gives the Jesus name for the pittbull...

[White of High]

A man takes off his trousers at the doctor and show his naked ass!
- Mister! Do you know what are you doing? I am an eye-specialist!
- Yes, I know, I know! But do you see a hairs on my ass?
- Yes.
- And do you see the little knots at the ending on a hairs?
- Yes!
- Well, when I'm scratcing off them my eyes always fill with tears...

[Chris]

A man got up one morning \and went to the kitchen. His wife was in a foul mood!

"And just who is Linda?" she snapped

"Linda??" he asked nervously

"Yes linda, you were shouting her name all night"

"Ah well dear" he said "She is a horse "lucky Linda" that someone gave me a tip on and i was just excited about it because it was such a good tip!"

His wife seemed to accept this so they both went about their days. When the chap got home from work his wife was in an even worse mood. He walked in and she punched hm one

"What the hecks wrong with you?" he asked

Se looked at him before replying "Your horse telephoned!!!"

[Chris]

Rumored Corporate Mergers

It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Failed merger: Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive organs.

Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood

John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da

Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags

[Chris]

A selection of metaphors!!!!


Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31 pence-a-pint night.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[CarolM]

.

[Chris]

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

"A naked woman."

He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

[CarolM]

,Chris your crazy , but funny.

[R.]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

[original sin]

OMG I really need that what a long laugh I've just had!

[R.]

Thigs you shouldn't say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[The Flying Mouse]

A man was walking down the street when he saw a small boy on the oposite side struggling to reach the door bell of a house.He crossed the road and rang the bell for him.Thanks mister said the boy.Now run.

[original sin]

keeping 'em coming guys this is just what I need

[R.]

Originally Posted by R.

Thigs you shouldn't say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

[The Flying Mouse]

Now that is a guy with his priorities in order .

Another thing you should never do to a cop is to sing maybe it's because i'm a Londoner (after drinking to many beers).I know.I was that drunk .
Funny thing is,by the time they finally released me,every cop in the station was either humming,whistling or drumming the tune with their fingers

Anyway,back on topic,
A man was standing at a bus stop eating a bag of chips.The woman next to him had a dog on a lead,that was getting very excited by the smell of the food and jumping up against the man.
Do you mind if I throw him a bit?asked the man.No,not at all said the lady.So the man picked up the dog and threw it over a wall

[Chris]

As a tribute to the weather:

A little bear went up to his mum adn asked "Am I really a polar bear?"

His mum looked at him adn said "Well, white fur, you live at the north pole, me and ya dad are polar bears, So yes you are a polar bear"

So he went to find his dad and asked him "Am I really a polar bear?"

His dad looked at him and said "Well, white fur, you live at the north pole, me and ya mum are polar bears, So yes you are a polar bear"

So he went to find his granny and asked her the same question,

She said "Well, you've got white fur and live at the north pole so yes you are a polar bear. Why do you ask?"

And he looked up at her and said "Because I'm blooming freezing!"

[tukayaway]

The music and football world were rocked today when Sophie Ellis Bexter was found dead at a footballers house.

Apparently it was murder on Zidane's floor.