Jokes - Page 9

**The Flying Mouse** · 26 Oct 2003, 03:46

Baby camel said to mummy camel,Mum,why do I have long eyelashes?That's to keep the sand out your eyes during sand storms she answerd.
OK,said baby camel,but why do I have this huge hump on my back?Thats so you can store enough moisture in your body to travel accross the desset for weeks on end without needing to drink she said.
I see said baby camel.One more thing,he asked,what the hell are we doing in a zoo then

.

bambi · 26 Oct 2003, 13:25

LOL *rolls around on the floor screamin with laughter!!*

Wild_Honey · 26 Oct 2003, 19:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by THE FLYING MOUSE

Baby camel said to mummy camel,Mum,why do I have long eyelashes?That's to keep the sand out your eyes during sand storms she answerd.
OK,said baby camel,but why do I have this huge hump on my back?Thats so you can store enough moisture in your body to travel accross the desset for weeks on end without needing to drink she said.
I see said baby camel.One more thing,he asked,what the hell are we doing in a zoo then

.

This is actually something that makes you think. :)

Wild_Honey · 26 Oct 2003, 19:20

Chris · 29 Oct 2003, 15:20

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and the auto-answer kicks in. A man engages the hands free speaker- function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Chris · 30 Oct 2003, 23:23

The management bible:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%..
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing! will take you:
A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, Hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

RSG · 17 Nov 2003, 09:04

Yes! An excellent one Chris!

Let me try

(This is a clean joke by the way)

A beautiful young woman came out of the shower one day Hair wet and brushed down, wearing a white towel. "Honey she said, its time to have your shower now."

She heard the doorbell , so she went downstairs to open the door. It was her husband's friend Bill. Well Bill looked at this beautiful young woman and his jaw just dropped!

He thought she was just gorgeus. He said to the woman, "I'll give you $200 if you drop your towel down to your waist." She thought about and realized well we do need to get caught up on our rent this month, so she did. And Bill Gave her $200 dollars, and even more amazed at the site of this woman.

Then Bill says, I will give you another $200 if you drop the towel all together. She thought about it said what the heck. She dropped her towel, and Bill was astonished, completely amazed of this young woman.

He gave her the $200 dollars and left. The woman went back upstairs, and her husband asked, "Who was at the door?" "Oh", she said, "It was just Bill." "Oh", said the husband, "Did he mention anything about the $400 dollars he owes me?

ChrissybabezNI · 21 Nov 2003, 02:21

One day an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotchman were talking about their sons.

My son was born on St. George's day, said the English man. So we decided to call him George.

Thats the same with me, said the Scotchman. Our son was born on St. Andrews day, so we called him Andrew.

Would you believe that! said the Irishman.
Exactly the same thing happened to our son Pancake!

RSG · 21 Nov 2003, 02:34

, lol me like it, lotz!

LP · 24 Nov 2003, 18:41

This is one for the British audience:

A farmer is in despair, it is the bleakest winter he has ever experienced and his cattle are suffering. Soon his desperation turns to sadness as he realises that all of his cattle have been frozen solid. He turns away to walk home and just as he turns he sees a figure walking across his frozen field.

The figure gets closer and it turns out to be a little old lady. The little old lady touches the nose of one of the cows and miraculously it comes back to life!!

The farmer is amazed!

The little old lady touches each of the beasts one by one and they all spring back into life! Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, the little old lady walked away across the field…..

Just at that moment the farmer’s wife walked up to her husband after viewing the spectacle.

“I cant believe what I just saw, who was that women?” Asks the farmer.

“Don’t you know?” Replied the wife

“That was Thora Hird”

I thank you.

**The Flying Mouse** · 24 Nov 2003, 20:09

A man is driving down a country road when he feels his car go over a bump.He gets out to investigate, and is horrified to find out he has run over a rabbit.The man is utterly distraught and breaks down crying by the side of the road.At this moment, a priest happened to be driving by.He sees the man and stops to see if he can help."Whatever is the matter my son?" the priest asked."Oh father,I have commited a terrible crime" he sobbed."I've killed this poor rabbit.Please father, i've never killed a living thing in my life.Is there anything you can do?Perform last rights perhaps?The priest smiled and said "don't worry, I think I have just the thing".The priest walked back to his car, picked up a bottle and went over to the slain bunny.He sprinkled the contents over the rabbit, who then suddenly sat up.The rabbit sniffed the air and hopped away.When he had gone no further than 5 yards,he turned to the two men and waved.He continued on his way, stopping every 5 yards to stop and wave at the two men."PRAISE THE LORD" the man shouted."It's a miracle.Tell me father, how did you do it?What was it in the bottle?Was it holy water?"No" the priest replied."It's hare restorer with a permanent wave".

ChrissybabezNI · 24 Nov 2003, 20:48

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish"

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

R. · 04 Dec 2003, 23:31

It's opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. " I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Shit," said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

scotty · 05 Dec 2003, 15:14

British Sense Of Humour!

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known a 'E by gum!'

scotty · 05 Dec 2003, 15:19

A little boy comes home from school and says to his mum,'mum,whats lovejuice?',very shocked the mum asks why does he need to know, to which the little boy answered that they have to do research for their homework, so the mum reluctantly describes the ins and out of love juice and how it happens when mummy and daddy get a bit sexual etc,
To which the little boy replies 'what the f..k has that got to do with TENNIS!!!!

Greenster · 05 Dec 2003, 15:27

Hi Guys, hope this works:

Greenster · 05 Dec 2003, 15:29

Hey Hey !, there's more:

-------------------------

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers what'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

-----------------------------

"Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

"Sir, this is a florist shop"

"Yes, I know, but the light was on"

-------------------------------------------------

President George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr.. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr.. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."

Chris · 10 Dec 2003, 19:59

Just wondering if any of the ladies on here have bought one of the new australian rugby bras??

It is green and gold

with plenty of support

BUT NO CUPS!!!!

Chris · 10 Dec 2003, 20:11

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light ? Now ? Does it look like I have an Eastern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't> think so !"

"Well then could you fix the fridge door ? It won't close properly."

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my
forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering.

He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: ..............

"HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Chris · 10 Dec 2003, 20:14

Sad Tale From Sydney
===================

Little Bruce was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician;
Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Bruce aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Bruce, "My father plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

Chris · 10 Dec 2003, 20:17

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass
through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass"
through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied............. ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > WAIT FOR IT
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > ..
> > "They're Carols"

Chris · 24 Dec 2003, 11:22

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said

"Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.

When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how
good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different
person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect
thing to mark this new beginning.

He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"

"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.

"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.

Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a
new shirt?"

Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.

The salesman eyed Jerry again.

"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"

Once again, Jerry was surprised.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"

So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit.

As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about
new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?

So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a
size nine-and-a-half?"

Jerry was astonished.

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these
things!"

Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"

Jerry thought for a second and agreed.

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size
36."

Jerry laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."

"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.

"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."

Chris · 04 Feb 2004, 00:42

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want, He's not gonna come running over!!

=======================================

What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine!!!!

*AndyK* · 04 Feb 2004, 00:49

A three legged dog walks into the saloon bar at the OK Coral.....

He approaches the bar tender and orders whisky in his texan drawl.
"What brings you here pardner?" asks the bar tender as he pours the drink

Brace yourselves................... for the reply..............

"Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot ma paw"

Chris · 04 Feb 2004, 00:50

A horse walke dinto a bar adn asked for a drink

"Sure" said the barman "But why the long face!"

26 Oct 2003, 03:46	#201
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	Baby camel said to mummy camel,Mum,why do I have long eyelashes?That's to keep the sand out your eyes during sand storms she answerd. OK,said baby camel,but why do I have this huge hump on my back?Thats so you can store enough moisture in your body to travel accross the desset for weeks on end without needing to drink she said. I see said baby camel.One more thing,he asked,what the hell are we doing in a zoo then .

26 Oct 2003, 13:25	#202
bambi Super Loafer Join Date: 04.07.2003 Location: if sum1 knows plz tell me!! Posts: 312	LOL rolls around on the floor screamin with laughter!!

26 Oct 2003, 19:20	#204
Wild_Honey Super Loafer Join Date: 23.03.2003 Location: Windeck, Germany Posts: 606

29 Oct 2003, 15:20	#205
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and the auto-answer kicks in. A man engages the hands free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

30 Oct 2003, 23:23	#206
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	The management bible: From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing! will take you: A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While, Hardwork and knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude will get you there, Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

17 Nov 2003, 09:04	#207
RSG Mega Loafer Join Date: 27.07.2003 Location: Canada Posts: 3,296	Yes! An excellent one Chris! Let me try (This is a clean joke by the way) A beautiful young woman came out of the shower one day Hair wet and brushed down, wearing a white towel. "Honey she said, its time to have your shower now." She heard the doorbell , so she went downstairs to open the door. It was her husband's friend Bill. Well Bill looked at this beautiful young woman and his jaw just dropped! He thought she was just gorgeus. He said to the woman, "I'll give you $200 if you drop your towel down to your waist." She thought about and realized well we do need to get caught up on our rent this month, so she did. And Bill Gave her $200 dollars, and even more amazed at the site of this woman. Then Bill says, I will give you another $200 if you drop the towel all together. She thought about it said what the heck. She dropped her towel, and Bill was astonished, completely amazed of this young woman. He gave her the $200 dollars and left. The woman went back upstairs, and her husband asked, "Who was at the door?" "Oh", she said, "It was just Bill." "Oh", said the husband, "Did he mention anything about the $400 dollars he owes me?

21 Nov 2003, 02:21	#208
ChrissybabezNI Super Loafer Join Date: 18.11.2003 Location: Carrickfergus, Northern Ireland Posts: 352	One day an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotchman were talking about their sons. My son was born on St. George's day, said the English man. So we decided to call him George. Thats the same with me, said the Scotchman. Our son was born on St. Andrews day, so we called him Andrew. Would you believe that! said the Irishman. Exactly the same thing happened to our son Pancake!

21 Nov 2003, 02:34	#209
RSG Mega Loafer Join Date: 27.07.2003 Location: Canada Posts: 3,296	, lol me like it, lotz!

24 Nov 2003, 18:41	#210
LP Super Loafer Join Date: 18.06.2003 Location: Cornwall Posts: 262	This is one for the British audience: A farmer is in despair, it is the bleakest winter he has ever experienced and his cattle are suffering. Soon his desperation turns to sadness as he realises that all of his cattle have been frozen solid. He turns away to walk home and just as he turns he sees a figure walking across his frozen field. The figure gets closer and it turns out to be a little old lady. The little old lady touches the nose of one of the cows and miraculously it comes back to life!! The farmer is amazed! The little old lady touches each of the beasts one by one and they all spring back into life! Then, as mysteriously as she appeared, the little old lady walked away across the field….. Just at that moment the farmer’s wife walked up to her husband after viewing the spectacle. “I cant believe what I just saw, who was that women?” Asks the farmer. “Don’t you know?” Replied the wife “That was Thora Hird” I thank you.

24 Nov 2003, 20:09	#211
The Flying Mouse Armed ba$tard and Jo's other half. Join Date: 06.08.2002 Location: In the middle of nowhere near the end of the line. Posts: 16,104	A man is driving down a country road when he feels his car go over a bump.He gets out to investigate, and is horrified to find out he has run over a rabbit.The man is utterly distraught and breaks down crying by the side of the road.At this moment, a priest happened to be driving by.He sees the man and stops to see if he can help."Whatever is the matter my son?" the priest asked."Oh father,I have commited a terrible crime" he sobbed."I've killed this poor rabbit.Please father, i've never killed a living thing in my life.Is there anything you can do?Perform last rights perhaps?The priest smiled and said "don't worry, I think I have just the thing".The priest walked back to his car, picked up a bottle and went over to the slain bunny.He sprinkled the contents over the rabbit, who then suddenly sat up.The rabbit sniffed the air and hopped away.When he had gone no further than 5 yards,he turned to the two men and waved.He continued on his way, stopping every 5 yards to stop and wave at the two men."PRAISE THE LORD" the man shouted."It's a miracle.Tell me father, how did you do it?What was it in the bottle?Was it holy water?"No" the priest replied."It's hare restorer with a permanent wave".

24 Nov 2003, 20:48	#212
ChrissybabezNI Super Loafer Join Date: 18.11.2003 Location: Carrickfergus, Northern Ireland Posts: 352	The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish" In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

04 Dec 2003, 23:31	#213
R. You dig. Join Date: 02.04.2002 Location: On the fothermucker Posts: 7,179	It's opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. " I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit," said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

05 Dec 2003, 15:14	#214
scotty Mega Loafer Join Date: 25.11.2003 Location: Harlow Essex Posts: 1,166	British Sense Of Humour! Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known a 'E by gum!'

05 Dec 2003, 15:19	#215
scotty Mega Loafer Join Date: 25.11.2003 Location: Harlow Essex Posts: 1,166	A little boy comes home from school and says to his mum,'mum,whats lovejuice?',very shocked the mum asks why does he need to know, to which the little boy answered that they have to do research for their homework, so the mum reluctantly describes the ins and out of love juice and how it happens when mummy and daddy get a bit sexual etc, To which the little boy replies 'what the f..k has that got to do with TENNIS!!!!

05 Dec 2003, 15:27	#216
Greenster Rookie Join Date: 20.11.2003 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 5	Hi Guys, hope this works:

05 Dec 2003, 15:29	#217
Greenster Rookie Join Date: 20.11.2003 Location: Edinburgh Posts: 5	Hey Hey !, there's more: ------------------------- "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers what'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads." ----------------------------- "Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a moth" "Sir, this is a florist shop" "Yes, I know, but the light was on" ------------------------------------------------- President George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr.. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr.. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."

10 Dec 2003, 19:59	#218
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Just wondering if any of the ladies on here have bought one of the new australian rugby bras?? It is green and gold with plenty of support BUT NO CUPS!!!!

10 Dec 2003, 20:11	#219
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light ? Now ? Does it look like I have an Eastern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't> think so !" "Well then could you fix the fridge door ? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" "Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him." "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked. She replied: .............. "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

10 Dec 2003, 20:14	#220
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Sad Tale From Sydney =================== Little Bruce was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him." The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Bruce aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Bruce, "My father plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

10 Dec 2003, 20:17	#221
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass" through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied............. .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > WAIT FOR IT > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > .. > > "They're Carols"

24 Dec 2003, 11:22	#222
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning. He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?" "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing. "I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor. Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed. The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?" Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!" So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?" Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!" Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36." Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34." "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life. "I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

04 Feb 2004, 00:42	#223
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	What do you call a dog with no legs? Anything you want, He's not gonna come running over!! ======================================= What has 100 balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine!!!!

04 Feb 2004, 00:49	#224
AndyK Relentless Join Date: 21.11.2003 Location: Over the top..... seeing what's on the other side Posts: 18,694	A three legged dog walks into the saloon bar at the OK Coral..... He approaches the bar tender and orders whisky in his texan drawl. "What brings you here pardner?" asks the bar tender as he pours the drink Brace yourselves................... for the reply.............. "Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot ma paw"

04 Feb 2004, 00:50	#225
Chris Mega Loafer Join Date: 14.04.2002 Location: Somewhere in the real world. Posts: 7,527	A horse walke dinto a bar adn asked for a drink "Sure" said the barman "But why the long face!"