Women Rule

[original sin]

What do you call a woman who know where her husband is every night?

A widow

God's little Joke......giving men both a brain and a p***s, but only enough blood supply to operate one at a time

Difference between a man and a good wine.........wine matures

Do men grow up? or do their toys just get more expensive?

Why do men like BMWs? ..................... They can spell it

Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?........ET phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?..................
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?..................
Divorced

What is the diference between
a) a toilet
b) the 'g' spot
c) wedding anniversaries
Nothing really -- men seem to miss them all!

[The Flying Mouse]

Why do women get married in White?
So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances

And just to clear this up,MEN RULE THE WORLD .
But only because the women let us .

[Testify]

[White of High]

What is the difference between a clever woman and an E.T.?
E.T. has already been seen! :)

[R.]

[Testify]

lol!!

[original sin]

R. I will have my revenge......it may take a while......but........

[Chris]

Anyhting you can do:

Why don't women f*rt?

Because their mouth is never shut long enough for the pressure to build up!

However not all women are bad! Some have even made it into the Guinness Book Of Records:

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37mins later.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990,when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley,smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butcher's to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

[original sin]

My case continues..................

http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionC..._dumbguys.html

[dottie]

and they say blondes are dumb - this is woman power

One day my housework challenged husband decied to wash his sweat shirt, seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It dpends" I replied "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back "University of Okahoma"

A couple lying in bed. The man says "I'm going to make u the happiest woman in the world" the woman says "I'll miss u"

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said thats a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q What do u call an intelligent, good looking sensitive man?
A A rumour

A man and his wife now in their 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that they had been such a devoted couple she would grant them a wish each. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh immediately she had the airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh.... immediately he turned 90.
Gotta love that fairy!

A Womens Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties Box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl, and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[Testify]

ur right nanny dottie!! gota love the fairy!! v good by the way!

[dottie]

Originally Posted by Testify

ur right nanny dottie!! gota love the fairy!! v good by the way!

Not bad for an old stick Eh!

[Testify]

u not old, silly!! remember my mum thought u looked much younger!! your as young as ya feel!! n u must feel 19 or summin jumpin in bed mit Meat!! hehe

[dottie]

Come on you girls - post something - don't let the boys get one over on us oops!

[R.]

Women think they already know everything, but wait ... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[original sin]

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures....... his nose.

Q: What's the difference between government bonds and a typical male?
A: At some points government bonds will mature.

Q: Why are men like trains?
A: They always stop before you get off.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q: What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird.
"The other man looked up and said, "where?"

QUESTION: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
ANSWER: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

QUESTION: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
ANSWER: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

If men got pregnant... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.

[R.]

*cough cough*

15 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women

1. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer.
3. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
4. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
5. If you pour a beer just right you'll always get good head.
6. Hangovers go away.
7. When you are finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
8. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
9. A beer always goes down easy.
10. You can share a beer with your friends.
11. Beer is always wet.
12. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
13. A frigid beer, is a good beer.
14. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
15. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

[original sin]

Why chocolate is better than men

Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate
With chocolate there's no need to fake it
You can have chocolate at any time of the month
Good chocolate is easy to find
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
You are never too young or too old for chocolate
With chocolate size doesn't matter

Reasons why Dogs are Better than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you're gone
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence
Good looking dogs don't know they're good looking
Dogs understand what means
Dogs think you are a culinary genius
You can force a dog to take a bath
Middle-aged dogs don't abandon you for a younger owner

Reason why a Diet Soda is Better than Men:
When you swallow a diet soda you only get 1 calorie
The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight
You can dump it when you're done
A diet soda will treat you the same in the morning as the night before
You can pick one up anywhere without people talking about you
You can do one in the car even while driving
The aftertaste is certainly better
You can get a bigger size without changing brands
You never have to lie to a diet soda
You can have a headache and still enjoy it

[Kat]

Top ten reason why a cucumber is better than a man:

1. Cucumbers stay hard for at least a week
2. The average cucmber is at least 8 inches long
3.Cucumbers can stay up all night
4. Cucumbers wont make you sleep in the wet spot
5. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
6.you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
8. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
9. A cucumber never asks "are you ready yet?"
10. A cucumber wont leave you wondering for amonth

[Testify]

very good ladies!

[dottie]

Originally Posted by Kat

Top ten reason why a cucumber is better than a man:

1. Cucumbers stay hard for at least a week
2. The average cucmber is at least 8 inches long
3.Cucumbers can stay up all night
4. Cucumbers wont make you sleep in the wet spot
5. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
6.you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it
8. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
9. A cucumber never asks "are you ready yet?"
10. A cucumber wont leave you wondering for amonth

Oh Kat this is wonderful!!

[heat]

Originally Posted by dottie

Oh Kat this is wonderful!!

And so bloody true!!!!!

[Rob The Badger]

. . .
This is very very sad.
Is this why the Suffragettes fought for equal rights?
In my view, the whole idea of the battle of the sexes makes me wretch.
The female phyche is a comletely hypocritaical one.
Women claim to want "caring sensetive men".
When one comes along, you blow him off because he's "too nice."
There are intelligent men.
There are sensitive men.
Every male singer songwiter alive is a sensitive one.

Ever read a poetry book. Half of them are men.
This all stems from basic instinct of course.

So it is my conclusion that women don't like men.
You might say, women hate men.
This is because they have been indocrtinated into believing that there is such a thing as the "Fairytal Price" who is in fact a woman's phyche with male
genetalia tucked away somewhere.

We sexes are two different to each other. Why do we continue to interact?
Why?
And why do women hate men?
Men don't hate women.
Quite the opposite.
We love you.
We're not immature. Women are too mature.
What's the point in going through life with this ridiculous notion of the perfect man.
Men want the perfect woman, but we know she doesn't exist.

I'm sorry, I don't like the whole idea of the battle of the sexes, it makes me wretch.

[tukayaway]

The last post has just won the argument for us lads. MEN ROCK!

[dottie]

Originally Posted by tukayaway

The last post has just won the argument for us lads. MEN ROCK!

I don't think so - with men your always between a rock and a hard place neither is very satisfactory